"Overcome" - the turning point

Yahweh, Faithful God

This has been a rough week for us topped off by a sucker punch tonight with a separate situation.  The enemy has been hard at work on our family, attacking every front.  The temptation has been to give into bitterness and anger and frustration but God reminded me again that He is SO FAITHFUL.  He prompted me, after a ton of prayer, to go back to my notes from Sunday's incredible time of worship.  We had 2 of the most incredible harvest moons on Friday and Saturday night.  I remember being struck by the beauty and the steadiness of those moons shining into the darkness and wondering if all of the busy people racing around noticed that, even through the moon, God is trying to get our attention.  That all of creation is CRYING out to us that God is here, He is steady, He is magnificent, He is majestic and that He loves us with an everlasting love!  Do you know that He is WAITING for you to come to Him, to cast your cares upon Him and let Him carry you through whatever storm you're going through?!  He WILL be your defender.  He WILL be your provider.  He WILL be your healer.  He holds it ALL in His hands....every last teeny, tiny detail.

This past week our church celebrated how God brought us through one of the darkest days that no church should ever go through.  A gunman entered our campus, shot multiple people, including a father and 2 young girls from one family.  Both girls died.  Our church never thought that they would survive that as 13 months prior their lead pastor was involved in a scandal.  How does a church survive not one but TWO devastating losses in such a short time?  Jim and I were at a different church at that time but unbeknownst to us, God had begun to knit our hearts w/this church.  After the scandal broke, one of the worship leaders, in a time of grief, wrote one of the most incredible songs I've ever heard, called "Overcome."  The lyrics go like this:
"Seated above, enthroned in the Father's love
Destined to die, poured out for all mankind
God's only son perfect and spotless one
He never sinned but suffered as if He did

All authority, every victory is Yours
All authority, every victory is Yours

Savior, worthy of honor and glory
Worthy of all our praise, You overcame
Jesus, awesome in power forever
Awesome and great is Your name, You overcame

Power in hand
Speaking the Father's plan
You're sending us out
Light in this broken land

We will overcome
By the blood of the Lamb
And the word of our testimony
Everyone overcome"

After the shootings, this song became the turning point for this church and they CLUNG to the promises that God gave them.  He WAS and IS faithful and our church is healed and thriving....yes, thriving!  All because God is FAITHFUL!!!

I never knew the story behind that song until later but it became an anthem for me personally not only for each trial that we began to face but the ones in the past.  When we were exhausted from trying to get our house ready to sell, while it took seemingly forever to sell, when we were exhausted from moving and no one came to help, when our church went through a horrific scandal, while we were healing from lies & betrayals, when we got our match from China and wondered how would we complete it....oh the list went on and on.  And after God joined our hearts w/our new church, how He would bring this song over and over again to let us know that we WOULD overcome because He had brought our new church through horrific events.  If He could do that, He could accomplish anything.

There's something about having suffered loss and betrayals and having God bring good out of it and to be with others who have suffered and triumphed....it's the most incredible type of worship for God that you can ever imagine!  Sunday as we sang "Overcome", I was overcome by the incredible depth of God's faithfulness in our church and in our family.  I sobbed tears of joy as I sang, so incredibly thankful to be one of God's children and SO thankful that He has helped us overcome so much! 

This may have been a rough night and rough week but God is faithful!  He will be our defender, provider and our healer.  So as I see it, "What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?  He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?  Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies.  Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.  Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?  As it is written:
   “For your sake we face death all day long;
   we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”
  No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." (Romans 8:31-37)

Here was my devotional today.  "REST IN ME, MY CHILD, forgetting about the worries of the world.  Focus on Me - Emmanuel - and let My living Presence envelop you in Peace.  Tune in to My eternal security, for I am the same yesterday, today, and forever.  If you live on the surface of life by focusing on ever-changing phenomena, you will find yourself echoing the words of Solomon:  "Meaningless!  Meaningless!  Everything is meaningless!" Living in collaboration with Me is the way to instill meaning into your days.  Begin each day alone with Me, so that you can experience the reality of My Presence.  As you spend time with Me, the way before you opens up step by step.  Arise from the stillness of our communion, and gradually begin your journey through the day.  Hold My hand in deliberate dependence on Me, and I will smooth out the path before you."  (Jesus Calling)

God is no different today than He was before time began.  He loves me and He loves you and He is faithful.  I know who holds me.  Who's holding you?

Life out on a limb

Gosh, I love God's timing!  I've read my devotional a few times today just chuckling to myself and wondering how He does it.  How does He ALWAYS know just what we need when we need it?!  Well, yes, He is THE God of the universe so I suppose that makes sense but just think about the details.  How, with billions of people on the planet, does He inspire someone to write something that hits someone else PERFECTLY on the day or days they happen to read it?  And that's just me...what about all of the other people that read this book on perfect days and times specific to them?  How DOES He do it?

Well, here's today's devotional and tell me how perfect this is, "BE WILLING to go out on a limb with Me.  If that is where I am leading you, it is the safest place to be.  Your desire to live a risk-free life is a form of unbelief.  Your longing to live close to Me is at odds with your attempts to minimize risk.  You are approaching a crossroads in your journey.  In order to follow Me wholeheartedly, you must relinquish your tendency to play it safe.  Let Me lead you step by step through this day.  If your primary focus is on Me, you can walk along perilous paths without being afraid.  Eventually, you will learn to relax and enjoy the adventure of our journey together.  As long as you stay close to Me, My sovereign presence protects you wherever you go."  (Jesus Calling)  I KNOW!!!!  As I've been getting closer to this appt. w/Dr. Frahm, I've been starting to feel like we're at a new crossroads.  I can turn back to the conventional or I need to really move forward w/the alternative treatments.  Or at a deeper level, will I follow God out on what feels like a very precarious little limb and go against conventional medicine or do I disobey and stick w/what feels safer but maybe really isn't because God isn't in it (in my case)?  I think we'll be sticking with where God wants us.  We might be hanging on for dear life, but I'd much rather be right in the middle of His will for me than anywhere else.

Today was another busy day.  We had Jasmine's IEP meeting for preschool today, which I had to leave early to head over to my appt. Dr. Frahm.  So his role will be this, to get my body back into balance so that it can do what it was meant to do.  If we don't correct why I got cancer, then it will come back no matter what I do.  So he tested a number of areas and recommended quite a few supplements for the next 30 days.  We'll meet back up after that and he'll retest and see where I'm at.  Not surprisingly my liver, colon, thyroid, stomach, ovaries and my adrenals were all pretty out of wack (I'm sure it's a medical term).  Step 1.  I'm continuing to pray for an MD or DO who can do bloodwork and monitor my tumor markers.

Thank you all for your continued encouragement and prayers on our behalf.  Praise God for His Presence and His interruptions that lead us through the most amazing adventures.

Narrowed perceptions

Oh, had I only gotten in my quiet time yesterday!  Perhaps then I wouldn't have felt so discouraged as I did, focusing on the small things instead of focusing on the largeness and hugeness (yup, they're words now) of God.  "I AM WITH YOU IN ALL THAT YOU DO, even in the most menial task.  I am always aware of you, concerned with every detail of your life.  Nothing escapes My notice - not even the number of hairs on your head.  However, your awareness of My Presence falters and flickers; as a result, your life experience feels fragmented.  When your focus is broad enough to include Me in your thoughts, you feel safe and complete.  When your perception narrows so that problems or details fill your consciousness, you feel empty and incomplete.  Learn to look steadily at Me in all your moments and all your circumstances.  Though the world is unstable and in flux, you can experience continuity through your uninterrupted awareness of My Presence.  Fix your gaze on what is unseen, even as the visible world parades before your eyes."  (Jesus Calling)

I forgot yesterday that God is in and loves the tiniest details of our lives...that includes how I'm going to get things done, cooking, cleaning, saving for a blender, etc.  When I cried out to Him yesterday, He totally came through.  I was able to get some organic gf pumpkin flaxseed pancakes made for the next few days as well as a huge bowl of organic salad, as well as several smoothies.  Then I got to work on my laundry as well as do some de-cluttering of my kitchen, cleaned 1 of the bathrooms, in between which I shuttled Lily back and forth to school and did a couple errands.  Last night after some yummy organic fish taco leftovers, after baths and the girls went to bed, we mostly finished our Christmas decorating.  God sure does have unendless energy, doesn't He?!  He comes through when we call.  I loved it when my devotional said, "I AM WITH YOU IN ALL THAT YOU DO, even in the most menial task."  That was so true yesterday.  God is so good!

The latest update with my search for the right person or people is that I'm meeting with a Dr. Frahm tomorrow morning.  He's written a number of books (2 of which I've been reading) and recently came out w/a book called "The Breast Cancer Pattern."  He's local, a naturopathic doctor as well as master herbalist and He's a christian to boot!  Please pray for wisdom and discernment as I meet w/him tomorrow.  His specialty is working w/cancer patients so even though insurance doesn't cover him, he may be exactly what we're looking and praying for....someone with a plan! 

And, for those of you praying for me yesterday, thank you so much!  Not only did your prayers make a difference but they really helped get me through a tough day.  AND I even sold 1 of my craigslist items!  Yay God! 

For those of you looking for a way to help us, now is the time!  My journey is not over yet, even though I've chosen not to do chemo or radiation.  My body is still healing from surgery and so my strength varies from day to day, especially considering the added stress I'm dealing with.  We could use help w/meals, cleaning, or even childcare for a date night here and there.  There is a link to the left of this blog to a meal site - you can get further instructions/information there.  Enter "Young" and the password "8788" and it should pop you to our info.  Thank you so much for walking through this journey with us!

Rough days

Well, we sure would appreciate your prayers for our family.  We've had a few rough days, a lot due to our kiddos majorly acting out, Jim working long hours and a whole lot of spiritual attack.  We could really use your prayers for us right now.  Being home is nice but incredibly stressful for me, especially w/Jim working late almost every night.  Meals, shopping, kids, cleaning, dogs, appointments, etc. all fall on my shoulders.  And because Jim works late all the time, our only family time is now on the weekends and because I usually like to try and do my bulk cooking on the weekend, we're either feeling more frantic or I'm not getting my cooking done.  You see the cycle.  And that's not even dealing w/the constant frustration w/the girls acting out.  This week I've really felt everything hit me and I've been so exhausted.  On top of all of this, I've been trying to continue my research and hunt down the right person or persons to help get me through the next step.  I'm completely overwhelmed right now.  The good news is when I'm weak, God is strong.  (He must be REALLY strong right now!)

My other prayer request is for financial provision.  I'm trying to sell some things on craigslist.com to help me buy a better blender so that I can do more juicing but so far no luck.  Please pray that my items will sell soon, that Jim will find some freelance work or his work will finally give him a much needed raise so that we can afford to buy some of these things that I need going forward.  Pray also for Jim as he's a lot of ongoing stress at work and there doesn't seem to be any end in sight.  Pray for strength and protection during this season.

It's funny how when you're feeling down and overwhelmed, how everything hits you all at once.  A lovely little strategic move by our enemy, no doubt.  He never does fight fair, does he?  He loves to kick us when we're down.  BUT.....I am the child of the Almighty God and He has already defeated this enemy once and for all on the cross and He NEVER fails to provide for His children.  Thank God, even when things feel tough and impossible, that God is the God of all things possible!  There is no obstacle that is too big for Him to overcome and no problem that doesn't already have it's solution.  Thank you in advance for your prayers.

Our decision

"I AM THE PRINCE OF PEACE.  As I said to My disciples, I say also to you:  Peace be with you.  Since I am your constant Companion, My Peace is steadfastly with you.  When you keep your focus on Me, you experience both My Presence and My Peace.  Worship Me as King of Kings, Lord of lords, and Prince of Peace.  You need My Peace each moment to accomplish My purposes in your life.  Sometimes you are tempted to take shortcuts, in order to reach your goal as quickly as possible.  But if the shortcut requires turning your back on My Peaceful Presence, you must choose the longer route.  Walk with Me along paths of Peace; enjoy the journey in My Presence." (Jesus Calling)

I can't tell you how opportune it was to have this devotional on this day...the day we made our decision on my treatment plan.  I can't even begin to tell you how many hours upon hours upon hours of research that I have done leading up to this day.  You've seen the book list (plus 4-5 more that aren't even listed), but the hours of internet research, the variety of people that I've talked with, prayed with....this has not been an easy decision.  But ultimately, it all boiled down to where the peace was and the peace was NOT with chemo and radiation.  The peace was with the things that God began laying on my heart and path while I was waiting to find out if I had cancer.  And the peace lay in seeking HIS Presence and His plan for me.  We did notify CTCA today and they will not be managing or monitoring me going forward since I am not doing any further traditional treatments.

"Well, if it's not chemo or radiation, what is the plan?," you may ask.  Great question!  That will be the next step and we'd appreciate your prayers for us in this for God to line up the right people for this step.  What I am NOT going to do is just go about my life as if this never happened.  There was a reason that my body didn't and couldn't fight off the cancer cells and if I don't work on figuring that piece out and correcting it, I will probably have cancer again.  When I was diagnosed, the first piece I changed was my diet.  I don't eat a lot of processed food because I'm allergic to wheat and most processed food has wheat in it.  But I still had some things to clean up so I immediately started eating organic, whole fruits, vegetables & grains and went hormone-free w/my meats.  I completely eliminated sugar from my diet as cancer feeds off of sugar.  I've been incorporating all sorts of herbs and spices into the meals that I cook and every ingredient has a purpose - to fight inflammation (which feeds cancer) and to fight the cancer itself.  I've recently begun switching out all of the household chemicals with natural products like baking soda and vinegar to clean my house.  I've continued w/my workout program and will amp things back up in January when I've been cleared to go back to hard workouts (post surgery instructions).  I'm saving to buy a really good blender so that I can begin juicing in earnest.  But I'm not going to stop there either.  Now I'm praying for God to bring the right professionals (i.e. nutritionist, metabolic physician and/or naturopathic doctor) who will help evaluate the imbalances in my body and help me address those needs via nutrition and/or supplements so that my body becomes a powerful cancer fighting machine.  I still want a treatment plan, a step-by-step plan, but one that is natural that will help build my body back up instead of tear it down.  I'm very blessed that I have a wonderful, holistic chiropractor that I have been seeing for several years and she will be playing an integral part in my treatment plan.  But I need all of these other elements to come together and we desperately need God to provide financially as most alternatives aren't covered by insurance.  But, I'm thinking that since God laid these things on my heart even before I knew, that He already has a plan!  Thank God that we don't have to worry over this because He has a plan!

We have had people still ask if there's a way that they can help or bring a meal.  Yes!  Please pray with us and feel free to click on the link to the left to sign up for a meal.  If cooking an organic meal is intimidating, feel free to check out the meal site for other ideas as to how to come alongside of us. 

It also occurred to me that I haven't really shared how I am doing and feeling since my surgery.  Everything is going amazingly well.  Having 1+ months of eating organic in conjuction with having the cancer out of my body has done wonders and I'm starting to get my strength back very quickly.  I find that I'm having more and more energy and I feel strong.  I'm still having to be careful w/heavy lifting and tight hugs on my right side but the pain has been very minimal and completely manageable.  For those of you going through surgery, I HIGHLY recommend ice on the wound area!  CTCA was amazed at how little swelling I had 1 week post surgery and I think it was because of ice several times a day.

Well, thank you all so much for walking through this with us and thank you in advance for praying for wisdom and the right people for this next step.  God is so good and because He holds it all, none of these steps are too big for Him.

Pathology is in!

"PROBLEMS ARE PART OF LIFE.  They are inescapable: woven into the very fabric of this fallen world.  You tend to go into problem-solving mode all too readily, acting as if you have the capacity to fix everything.  This is a habitual response, so automatic that it bypasses your conscious thinking.  Not only does this habit frustrate you, it also distances you from Me.  Do not let fixing things be your top priority.  You are ever so limited in your capacity to correct all that is wrong in the world around you.  Don't weigh yourself down with responsibilities that are not your own.  Instead, make your relationship with Me your primary concern.  Talk with Me about whatever is on your mind, seeking My perspective on the situation.  Rather than trying to fix everything that comes to your attention, ask Me to show you what is truly important.  Remember that you are en route to heaven, and let your problems fade in the Light of eternity."  (Jesus Calling)

Yesterday was my marathon day.  I got up at 4am to go head to the airport and fly to AZ for my appointments at CTCA.  Yesterday was to be the day that they checked my incision, gave me the pathology results and my treatment plan, meet with my oncology "team" for all of their recommendations and then I was to fly home.  My time at CTCA was pretty much an exercise in frustration as they forgot to schedule someone from surgery to take a look at my incision (which, thankfully, they were able to rectify) and I never got to meet at all with the dietician and barely got time w/the naturopathic doctor.  But the good news in the midst of all of the frustration is that they got clean margins on my tumor (meaning they got it all) and there is no cancer in my lymph nodes!!  Yay God!  My tumor was about 2.5 cm, which was about what they thought and that puts me in a stage IIa by 1/2 cm.  :-)

The problems for me yesterday were, in part, disorganization related (especially because I had flown into town just for this) but in larger part, they had to do with the proposed treatment plan.  Let me preface this by saying that, at least with cancer, the journey (especially the treatment) is a very personal one.  When someone is diagnosed, each person must research and decide and pray for themselves what they feel God is leading them to.  I know some wonderful, godly people who have felt led down a more "traditional" path and that is good, because they followed what the Lord led THEM to do.  For me, I have felt strongly that God laid a path for me before I even knew I had cancer.  Our problem has come from the fact that it goes against the traditional medical establishment but is very much in line with some amazing genius doctors who have been curing cancer using alternative methods (NOT fringe quacks).   The proposed treatment plan for me is chemo once every 2-3 weeks for a max. of 4 months and then a few weeks of radiation.  For some this may be a no-brainer but since we've felt like God has given me a different path, we've really been wrestling (and researching...Hello, book list!) over what other traditional treatments besides surgery would we do.  The irony once again is how God has given me answers before I even ask them.  He reminded me that morning before I left, in my devotional, to bring everything to Him and let Him show me.  So that is what we are doing.  Please pray for us as we bring this treatment plan to Him and ask for His wisdom and clear direction in what my next step is.  CTCA has given me a lot of mixed messages as to whether or not they will continue to treat me if I don't do EVERYTHING that is suggested so we will cross that bridge when we come to it.  The step in front of us is to determine what God's plan is for me next.

Praise God that He holds it ALL, including the plan!  We continue to praise God for His healing power on my life and cancer and for each of you who has chosen to walk through this with us.  We are so thankful that we don't have to walk this alone.  We love you.

Moms and beyond

Had an incredible day at Moms and Beyond!  I love it when God gives you a theme and then continues the theme through different venues!  Today's group was about Counting gifts and trying to savor the here and now.  What really resonated with me was excerpts from a book that was shared called "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp.  She was challenged by a friend to try and count 1000 blessings and decided to journal that experience which turned out to be life changing and turned into this book.  You can read more about that in her blog at www.aholyexperience.com  At any rate, in one of the chapters she shares about how in the midst of doing laundry and doing some photography, her 5 year old asked to be able to take some pictures with her camera.  She decided to let her and began to be drawn into this amazing experience w/her little girl at the end of which they shared some precious snuggling & tickling time.  And I was reminded again of God's interruptions and how if she had done what I do all the time and put off her child, she would have missed this precious interruption.  I was again reminded that God wants to interrupt not just my life but my day to day and who knows what kinds of precious and amazing adventures I will have with Him if I am but flexible?!  I thought back to the last few days that have been hard because the girls have been acting out but as a result we've also had some really amazing little conversations.  What if even bad behavior can be an interruption from God, an opportunity for a precious teaching moment with one of my girls?  Oh, how I long to have more of these interruptions from God!  I want the twists and the turns and the adventures!  Imagine how rich life would become if we could be open enough to allow these interruptions and have our tired, boring days turned into vibrant, surprising adventures!  Then we'd truly be able to not only count the blessings and gifts in our lives, we'd be able to treasure them.

Sunday

Gosh, I LOVE Sundays and I LOVE our church!  Everytime we go, God ministers to our hearts and/or speaks to us in some way, shape or form.  Yesterday was no exception.  Jim and I both love how God is in the tiniest of details and we both smiled at each other as "Counting on God" was our first worship song and went right into "Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord."  And then into the song called "Forever Reign" by Hillsong.  One of my favorite parts of that song are these lyrics, "You are here, You are here.  In Your Presence, I'm made whole.  You are God, You are God.  Of all else, I'm letting go."  And then another song called "I will exalt you."  It says "My hiding place, My safe refuge.  My treasure, Lord, you are.  My friend and King, Anointed One, Most Holy."  And then into "I am free."  Aaaahhhh, my soul feels refreshed just remembering.  It was such a beautiful, joyful and powerful time of worship that I wish you all could have been there with us.  We've both been wrestling back and forth wondering about this treatment plan, how will we handle it if they propose something that we don't feel comfortable with, etc.  And once again, God reminds us to count on Him and that our strength will rise as we wait on Him and how in His presence I am made whole and because of that I can let go of everything and hold on to Him.  I can hold onto Him because He is my hiding place and a safe refuge for me...a treasure.  And because of that I am free to run, to dance, to live for Him.  Can you see how it felt like this was just for us?!  God is SO good!

The message was by one of the former staff members who had recently left to plant a church in Fort Collins.  He shared about his process of God leading them to Fort Collins and about how their family really wrestled with hearing God.  It reminded both of us of recently praying leading up to the summer about moving to Austin as well as the journey we're currently in with my cancer.  He shared how God only gave them 1 step at a time.  They could clearly see the step they were on and the next step but everything after that was a fog but how God wanted them to depend on Him.  He talked about how sometimes God does do the dramatic but often it's the quiet whispers that require us to lean in to Him to hear them.  And how life is full of "interruptions."  He spoke about how they were almost in a sweet spot in their lives and along came this "interruption".  And then He quoted C.S. Lewis, “The great thing, if one can, is to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions of one's 'own,' or 'real' life. The truth is of course that what one calls the interruptions are precisely one's real life -- the life God is sending one day by day.”  Then the thought occurred to me..What if life isn't about our plans but God's interruptions?  What if "our plans" are the filler and the interruptions are our real lives?!  I have to say that I've always called these interruptions "new normal."  Married later in life, infertility, adoptive family, multi-cultural family, cancer - these are just a few of our "new normals."  At the time, these were interruptions but perhaps God had intended all of these all along.  Perhaps this is part of the adventure if we are open enough.  So often we wish God would give us some kind of obvious sign or roadmap to help us get through but Aaron pointed out that God "doesn't want to give us just a guidebook, He wants to be our guide."  Oh yeah, that one hit me too.  And my favorite part?  He said, "There isn't an absence of fear in the storm, there's a confidence in the Presence of Jesus."  Amen to that!  It was such an amazing time of God pouring into us and reminding us once again that He holds it all.  He holds this cancer, He holds the solutions, He holds the encouragement before we know we need it and He holds us.

Black Friday

Well, it sure does feel good to be home finally!  We did NOT join the craziness on black Friday and slept in until 7 am instead.  Yesterday was a different kind of black friday for our family.  We really had a rough day as a family.  Our girls are both upset with us for being gone and have started to act out since we've been back.  Yesterday was one of those challenging days of trying to help them heal and grieve and forgive us for having to be gone.  I don't know if this is a normal thing for all families but it is definitely normal for ours because of some of the abandonment our girls experienced before they came to us.  Jim and I both had a few moments yesterday of having to take deep breaths and try and really stretch our already thin patience level.

It was a rough day for Jim also in that he had a rough night the night before, wondering and worrying about what kind of treatment plan will they recommend for me and how will we manage it if I need to be in AZ for several weeks, what if they recommend something that we don't want to do, etc.  I just don't think it's even humanly possible to go through things like this without struggling w/worry and fear and without having to fight for peace.  I have a hard time, being a people-pleaser at heart, knowing that my cancer causes my girls and my family to worry.  To top it off, I'm having to accept help to get through this, which is very humbling, not just because I need the help but because people actually WANT to help.  That's a very new experience for us as well.  God has us in a MAJOR learning curve right now.  I'm so far out of my comfort zone, I don't even know where it is anymore.  The one thing we do know, though, is that God is faithful and He will walk us through this one step at a time.  Jim and I are both planners in different ways and we are both being FORCED to walk this step by step by step.  I KNEW something big was coming but I had no idea that this would be it.

In addition to getting caught up on some errands, I started cleaning out my cabinets in my kitchen.  I threw away old spices, cleaned out the remainder of any foods that do not fight cancer, cleaned cabinets and drawers and got started on cooking some food for the upcoming week.  It felt SO good to get more organized!  Today we're going to continue to do some cooking and cleaning and then put up our Christmas decorations w/the girls.  Over the next few days, I'm looking to replacing our cleaning supplies w/more natural solutions and getting these dangerous chemicals out of my kitchen and getting us back into our old routines.  If any of you are looking for good resources for organic cooking and cancer prevention, take a look at my book list to the right of the blog.  God has put a bunch of awesome resources across our path along these lines and I highly recommend all of these books.

This coming Wednesday, I fly back to AZ to have my incisions checked and meet with my oncology team to get my treatment plan and then fly back home for dinner.  Please continue to pray that God would turn my cancer benign and that there isn't any cancer in my lymph nodes.  Pray that we will have wisdom as we have to submit our insurance paperwork for this next year (due on Wed.) and need to make some decisions about flex plans, etc. without knowing what my treatment plan will be.  Pray that we will continue to grow in our faith and trust God with ALL of the details.  Pray for continued healing and recovery from the surgery.  we love you guys and are so thankful for you and your desire to walk this cancer journey with us.  May God richly bless each and every one of you and fill you with His presence and peace!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Yay God, we are home and have so much that we are thankful for!  We arrived safely last night and got to love on our girls before their bedtime.  Today has been a pretty mellow day overall although we did get to go hang w/my sister & her family and my parents.  We are so incredibly thankful for all that God has brought us through and so thankful to be home!  We are thankful for all of you who have been encouraging us and lifting us up in prayer.  May each of you experience the most amazing blessings upon your families.  Happy Thanksgiving!

Surgery evening

God is SO good!  This afternoon and evening has gone really well!  We've taken a few very short walks today and I had a wonderful organic chicken dinner w/basmati rice and veggies with no problems.  I was also allowed to take a shower tonight (they NEVER let you do that) so it felt awesome to wash off the antiseptic that I was painted with as well as all of the sticky residue from monitoring equipment, tape, etc.  But the best part is it's 10pm and I have hardly any pain!  I haven't taken any pain pills yet (most of the narcotic types make me sick, sick, sick so I've held off) and I'm thrilled to think that I might not have to!  We'll see how tomorrow goes as the day after and 2 days after surgery are usually the hardest, pain-wise.  But I really shouldn't be surprised as I specifically prayed for minimal pain and God always gets us through!  Yay God!  I am just so thankful that He got me through the rough night last night and then this morning!  I was really ragged emotionally but God totally held me.  He didn't choose to take away the emotions but He carried me through the pain of them.  God is SO good!

So, we will be off to bed tonight and then tomorrow we'll be off to the airport around 11am.  The scheduling department made sure to alert our airline that we will need assistance all the way to the gate so we are really hoping for lower stress tomorrow, despite the fact that everyone else will also be traveling.  I'm not allowed to carry anything other than maybe my purse so thankfully, we'll be getting the help we need through the airport.  Please pray for everything to go smoothly and us to get home safely.  Thanks again everyone for all of your encouragement and prayers!  What a HUGE difference they made today and last night.  We love you guys and love that we get to walk this journey with you!  See you tomorrow, Colorado!  :-)

Surgery day

Today was my surgery day and boy am I glad that this part is over!  Yes, I'm actually writing this myself!  I have had 2 (out of 4) very negative surgery experiences where I've experienced waking up in the middle of the surgery, extreme nausea & chills, staff not listening to me, being left alone while freezing cold and trying to wake up and being rushed to get me out well before I was ready.  All (except for the waking up part) I experienced w/my knee surgery back in April and all were deep fears and concerns that I had going into this surgery.  I am DEEPLY thankful that God did not allow any of those to happen today.  The staff was absolutely amazing about making sure that I was warm enough and didn't wake up alone.  The anesthesiologist gave me "less" nausea inducing medicines and anesthesia and really took the time to listen to my fears.  I even got to pray with one of the chaplains' prior to going back and that was really helpful.

So glory and honor to God for really helping me through today!  I am back in our room and out of recovery and doing well with minor pain so far.  The surgeon indicated that everything went well and they were able to get all of the tumor w/clean margins so that is good.  They took my sentinel lymph nodes to biopsy and to see if the cancer has spread.  The sentinel lymph nodes are the first lymph nodes to get the cancer from the tumor IF the cancer spreads so they check those first.  We should have all of that information either by the end of the week or for sure by the time I fly back on 11/30 for my follow up appointment and treatment plan.

Thank you all so much for your prayers!  Today was rough leading up to the surgery so we appreciated and needed every single one!  Tomorrow we fly home so we'd appreciate your prayers that everything goes smoothly and that I'm not too wiped out for the flight.  I'll try and update more tonight but need to get a little rest.  Thank you all SO MUCH!  We love you!

Day 8

Today has been mostly about resting in God's arms and trusting Him to get me through tomorrow.  My devotion this morning was, "THANK ME THROUGHOUT THIS DAY for My Presence and My Peace.  These are gifts of supernatural proportions.  Ever since the resurrection, I have comforted My followers with these Messages: Peace be with you, and I am with you always.  Listen as I offer you My Peace and Presence in full measure.  The best way to receive these glorious gifts is to thank Me for them.  It is impossible to spend too much time thanking and praising Me.  I created you first and foremost to glorify Me.  Thanksgiving and praise put you in proper relationship with Me, opening the way for My riches to flow into you.  As you thank Me for My Presence and Peace, you appropriate My richest gifts."

I just want to go to sleep tonight feeling God's peace and presence and wake up tomorrow the same.  I want to be able to walk into surgery and come out of surgery feeling at peace and feeling His presence.  We've both had a relatively mellow day and yet we're both absolutely exhausted right now.  I feel like we've been fighting all day to try and stay in God's presence, fighting to not jump too far ahead of God.  Funny how sometimes we have to fight for peace.  Fight against the fear and the doubts.  As much as I've felt so thankful in this process, right now I would give just about anything to NOT have cancer or surgery and to have our lives back to the way they were.   I miss my girls, my dogs and my home and I miss our routine.  I'm again reminded of my devotional that God gave to me before I even had an inkling that today would be a rough day.  So despite how I feel right now, I'm going to trust that the peace and presence that I so desperately need are there.  God, thank you that you never with hold your presence from us and that you are ALWAYS with us.

This I Know

Day 7

This morning after breakfast, we decided to try and watch our church's service live online and I'm so glad that we were able to!   They sang one of my favorite songs called "This I Know."   It reminds me that I KNOW that God is a great God and that He is Lord over all things....including my cancer.  It reminds me that He has already brought us through some tough things and given us beauty for our ashes and healing for our broken hearts.  One of the verses shared this morning before the message was Philippians 4:6, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."  She mentioned how she had been convicted of not being thankful for the blessings God had given her and she said, "Even if everything is taken away, Jesus Christ being crucified is enough."  He IS enough and everything in the world combined isn't enough if He isn't part of the equation.  My healing by itself means nothing if I don't have God!  I'm just so thankful that I don't have to go through this without Him and the wonderful friends and family that God has put around us.  God is so good!

Well, only 2 more days until my surgery and 3 until we hopefully leave to head home.  Please continue to pray that everything will go as smoothly as possible so that we are able to travel home on Wednesday.  Continue to pray with me that, if it's God's will, my tumor would turn benign and that there would be no cancer in the lymph nodes.  We will praise God no matter what He chooses to do but I'm also praying for everything to go smoothly w/the anesthesia so that I'm not too sick afterwards.   Thanks so much for praying with us in this!  Please continue to pray for strength for my parents who are taking care of our girls and our girls that everything would continue to go smoothly.  Thank you all for being such prayer warriors!  You are making a difference in our family with your prayers and we so appreciate you.  I'll update more tomorrow but just wanted to share that our God is enough!  All of these details that I ask prayer for...He has already answered.  I DO know that God is a great God.

Saturday - Day 6

Yesterday, we got the opportunity after breakfast, to move from our hotel over here to CTCA.  Boy, it sure feels nice to not have to coordinate everything around the shuttle schedules!  The rooms are a really great size w/2 very comfortable double beds, an apartment sized fridge and a microwave, a huge closet and bathroom and a table and 2 chairs.  We were able to take our laundry to the free laundry facilities just down the hall and get everything washed.  Thank God for that as I've had a few shirts that have started walking around on their own.  It was time!  ;-)

We've also been starting to get to know some of the other patients here and have met a sweet (& feisty) older man, named Jessie.  He has been battling stage IV lung cancer for 2 years and will be here at this facility until just before Christmas.  We've been starting to share our meals with him and had the opportunity to pray with him yesterday.  If you think about it, please pray for his healing and that he would accept Jesus as his savior.  Pray for opportunities to share with him and for his eyes to be opened to how much God loves him.

We also got a chance to take a couple of much needed walks yesterday.  They have a nice sized gym on site, however, we have to sign a bunch of paperwork to use it so walking has been our only real source of exercise.   While we were walking yesterday, we were speculating on how God will heal me and depending on that, how will the staff choose to treat me.  When I forget to give that stuff to God, I do get a little anxious wondering what my treatment plan will look like and how will it affect my body, etc.  So we got home and here was our devotional for the day, "LEAVE OUTCOMES UP TO ME.  Follow Me wherever I lead, without worrying about how it will all turn out.  Think of your life as an adventure, with Me as your Guide and Companion.  Live in the now, concentrating on staying in step with Me.  When our path leads to a cliff, be willing to climb it with My help.   When we come to a resting place, take time to be refreshed in My Presence.  Enjoy the rhythm of life lived close to Me.  You already know the ultimate destination of your journey: your entrance into heaven.  So keep your focus on the path just before you, leaving outcomes up to Me."

I know, right?!  Amazing how God knows what we need even before we need it!  We need to leave the outcomes of my surgery & treatment to Him.  I don't want to be so focused on the end result that I miss the journey and adventure in between!  Oh yeah, I'll be marinating on that one for a while.  Thanks so much for your continued prayers.  We love you!

Day 5

Wow - hard to believe this is only day 5!  It feels like an eternity since we've last been home.  We have never been away from Jasmine for more than a few hours and Lily only 1-2 days, max.  We sure are missing them and missing home!  Today was a relatively easy day.  We had a couple more admin things to nail down and then had my procedure after lunch to drain the cyst in my left breast.  They will hopefully have the pathology results back by Monday so we can verify that everything on that side is benign.  All went really well with that and I am now 5 hours later having no pain so Yay God!

They were able to get us a room at CTCA so we're excited to move there tomorrow after lunch.  The Comfort Suites has really been great but it'll be nice to not have to coordinate w/the shuttle to get back and forth to CTCA.  We're especially excited because this will allow us to be right on site for right before and after my surgery on Tuesday.  That will definitely make things much easier for us.  Other than that, our schedule will be completely free until Tuesday.  We found out that CTCA has free laundry facilities (including soap) for us to use so we're excited to not have to wash any more things in the sink!  ;-)

We are hoping to hook up w/one of the Chaplains, Nick, before my surgery on Tuesday.  We were told that he is a prayer warrior and are looking forward to having him pray for us before the surgery.  He will also be a part of the rotation during my recovery so I'm looking forward to having him pray again after surgery.  Thank you all for praying as well.  We have no idea how God will choose to heal me but are hoping that He will turn this tumor into something benign so that further conventional treatments won't be necessary.  But we continue to lay our will down before His.

This morning God reminded me that I need to not jump too far ahead of Him and to let Him fill me with His peace, so I'm trying to do that.  My devotional today said, "COME TO ME, and rest in My Peace.  My Face is shining upon you, in rays of Peace transcending understanding.  Instead of trying to figure things out yourself, you can relax in the Presence of the One who knows everything.  As you lean on Me in trusting dependence, you feel peaceful and complete.  This is how I designed you to live: in close communion with Me.  When you are around other people, you tend to cater to their expectations - real or imagined.  You feel enslaved to pleasing them, and your awareness of My Presence grows dim.  Your efforts to win their approval eventually exhausts you.  You offer these people dry crumbs rather than the living water of My Spirit flowing through you.  This is not My way for you!  Stay in touch with Me, even during your busiest moments.  Let My Spirit give you words of grace as you live in the Light of My Peace."  May each of you experience this peace in whatever you may be struggling with as well.  God is faithful down to the tiniest of details!  We love you all and thank you for continuing to pray on our behalf!

Day 4

"COME TO ME, and rest in My Peace.  My Face is shining upon you, in rays of Peace transcending understanding.  Instead of trying to figure things out yourself, you can relax in the Presence of the One who knows everything.  As you lean on Me in trusting dependence, you feel peaceful and complete.  This is how I designed you to live:  in close communion with Me.  When you are around other people, you tend to cater to their expectations - real or imagined.  You feel enslaved to pleasing them, and your awareness of My Presence grows dim.  Your efforts to win their approval eventually exhausts you.  You offer these people dry crumbs rather than the living water of My Spirit flowing through you.  This is not My way for you!  Stay in touch with Me, even during your busiest moments.  Let My Spirit give you words of grace as you live in the light of My Peace."  (Jesus Calling, Nov 18)

As Jim described, Wednesday for us, was a very discouraging and frustrating day and yet we know that God is walking every step with us.  He doesn't promise us a perfect, trial-free life or experience but that ALL of this is for our character and perseverance to grow so that we aren't lacking in ANYTHING (my translation).  Everything that we learn with this experience will help us with the next one.  God doesn't waste anything!

Yesterday was a much easier day as we had no appointments scheduled, just needed to take care of and drop off some paperwork.  So, we decided we had earned a much needed date and decided to go to the movies.  The movie we've both been dying to see is "Courageous" and managed to find 1 theater that had it playing at 10:20 yesterday morning.  WOW!  What a powerful movie!  If you haven't seen it, go!  It's inspiring & powerful.  The rest of our day, other than meals and paperwork, was spent at the hotel, doing research, resting, etc.

Today, I am having the cyst in my left breast drained which is a very simple, in and out procedure.  Additionally, they're talking about moving us closer to CTCA before my surgery on Tuesday so we're hoping to get a room onsite or right across the street at the Marriott.  This hotel has been wonderful but it can be a little tiring to have to plan around the shuttles and we'd like to be closer just in case I have any complications on Tuesday.  Other than that, we really don't have anything scheduled until my surgery on Tuesday.  We'd really appreciate your continued prayers for COMPLETE healing, that my tumor would become benign or disappear and that there wouldn't be any cancer in the lymph nodes. Also, if you could pray that I will be peaceful in and out of surgery and pray against nausea as anesthesia usually makes me really sick.  I typically have a rough time coming out of anesthesia so I'm trusting God to override my body and make everything smooth on Tuesday, so that we can come home on Wednesday.

Thanks to all of you who are actively praying and all of those who keep leaving encouraging messages.  I can't tell you how much it means to us to see those and we read every single one so please don't stop!  We need to be reminded that God is in control and that He is holding it ALL.  We love you!

Evals - day 2

(Jim's perspective)

Wednesday was a tougher day.  We spent the entire day in meetings with the various professionals from our cancer treatment team.  Though we appreciated the scope of the care Donna would be receiving, we were discouraged that there was still an emphasis on "standard of care", which means chemo and radiation therapy, with nutrition, supplements, etc., playing a secondary role.  The reality of Donna's cancer became much more tangible today.

For those of you who know Donna, she has spent the past few weeks reading books and doing internet research trying to find the role of alternative treatment methods.  The conclusions were very encouraging - apparently, there are doctors (real doctors - experts in their fields of research - not quacks, witch doctors, or those with mail-order degrees) that successfully treat patients with alternative methods and warn against the significant dangers and health risks of chemotherapy.  Their statistics are very different, and much more encouraging, than those communicated in the standard messaging of the medical community.  It's in this context that we were hopeful to find a more prominent role for alternative treatment options. 

Our first appointment Wednesday was with the surgeon.  He was a nice enough guy, and was willing to let us ask questions.  He was patient and took the time to hear us out and address our concerns, which we appreciated.  He then proceeded to tell us that there is no recognized evidence that nutrition and lifestyle can cure cancer, yet he wrote a book that describes how nutrition and lifestyle can prevent cancer.  Though Donna's research indicates that people have, indeed, had their tumors significantly reduced through nutrition and lifestyle changes, the surgeon's tone left us feeling like fools for daring to question the collective wisdom of the medical community.

As the day continued, we met with others who helped us understand the role they would play in Donna's treatment.  As it turns out, if chemo or radiation are necessary, the "alternative" methods will really serve as "complementary" methods, and will help Donna's body handle the nausea and side effects of the conventional treatment plan.  We were not happy with this outcome, yet we trust God and believe He will guide us through the correct plan for Donna's complete recovery.

By the end of the day, we were told that the first step was a lumpectomy, which is scheduled for next Tuesday.  Pathology tests will be conducted on the tumor and the outcome will determine whether chemo and/or radiation treatments are necessary.  As you can imagine, we are praying that God has already healed Donna and that the tumor is now benign.

We received one very good piece of news.  Since we don't yet have a complete treatment plan, the accommodations are not going to cost us another dime, even though we will be here another few days beyond the original estimate.  We also continue to receive 60% off on all meals at the cancer center's cafeteria.  Donna may have already mentioned this, but the cancer center agreed to bill us according to our in-network insurance benefits.  That's a significant reduction in our out-of-pocket expense.  We are trusting God for His provision and ideal timing of the treatment plan.  Donna will need to come back to AZ about a week after her lumpectomy, and, depending on the pathology results, may need to come back many times for continued treatment.

Though we had our faith tested on Wednesday, we remain steadfast in our belief that God holds it all and that none of this was a surprise to him.  Thank you for your prayers and support.

Pictures from CTCA - the lazyboy (not Jim), the rooftop terrace, the putting green & the inside

Evals - day 1

Wow, what an incredible day!  After enjoying a delicious, organic breakfast and smoothie for less than $5 for the both of us at the CTCA cafeteria, we had about 4 amazing stress-free hours of appointments.  That's right, I said stress-free!  CTCA put us up in a Comfort Suites about 5 minutes away from their facility and they have been amazing!  I got dehydrated from the flight and woke up at 3:45 a.m. with a terrible migraine.  I called down to the front desk and bless their hearts, the staff brought me up some Aleve which helped take away my migraine.  Yay God!  After our breakfast, we met with the finance department who mentioned several times that if we, at any point, have any financial difficulty, to let them know and they can work something out.  "Don't worry about the finances," they said, "just concentrate on getting well."  How many times do you hear a hospital tell you that?!  Every nurse, medical assistant, cafeteria staff member, security guard, intake doctor, finance person and front desk personnel has mentioned to us how much they LOVE their jobs and not one person made us feel stupid, dismissed, or an inconvenience.  What a difference today was from our previous experiences!   We got our own "room" which included a hospital version of a lazy boy chair for me (Seriously - I've got pictures to prove it!) and a flat screen t.v. to watch while we waited.  We actually never had to really turn it on as everyone was on time and we were done with all of our appointments 1/2 hour early!  AMAZING!  Neither one of us felt stressed or even overwhelmed!  And every person that saw us reminded us that they just present the options but the final treatment is up to us!  Amen to that!

After our appointments, we got to wander around and checked out the patient library, gym, the salon, gift shop, the rooftop garden and the outdoor eating area which included a putting green and a shuffleboard court.  I almost feel guilty!  Then we got to enjoy another delicious organic meal while we both sat outside in shorts in 70 degree weather.  What an incredible day.  God is so good!  The best part is the AMAZING amount of peace that we both feel.  We can see God's hand in all of the tiny details and how He pulled all of this together and the ways He keeps reminding us that He's got it and He's got us.  After the rough night, I was feeling a little bit stressed this morning and read this morning's devotional from "Jesus Calling."  Check this out "Approach Problems with a light touch.  When your mind moves toward a problem area, you tend to focus on that situation so intensely that you lose sight of Me.  You pit yourself against the difficulty as if you had to conquer it immediately.  Your mind gears up for battle, and your body becomes tense and anxious.  Unless you achieve total victory, you feel defeated.  There is a better way.  When a problem starts to overshadow your thoughts, bring this matter to Me.  Talk with Me about it and look at it in the Light of My Presence.  This puts some much-needed space between you and your concern, enabling you to see from My perspective.  You will be surprised at the results.  Sometimes you may even laugh at yourself for being so serious about something so insignificant.  You will always face trouble in this life.  But more importantly, you will always have Me with you, helping you to handle whatever you encounter.  Approach problems with a light touch by viewing them in My revealing Light."  Yeah....wow!  Here I was worried about how would we know what decisions to make and what would they say and then God reminds me....Don't worry!  And after that, I walked in His peace the whole day.  I can't wait to read tomorrow's!

Speaking of tomorrow, we have a full day of appointments starting at 8:30am and going until 3ish.  We will be meeting w/my surgical team, the oncologist, the Naturopathic doctors, the mind-body caseworker, the nutritionist and our case manager.  We were told today that by the end of the day tomorrow we will have my treatment plan and that we can opt to immediately start treatment or go home and come back.  Please continue to pray for God's wisdom over those decisions.  Tomorrow will be a BIG day but we know that God is and will be faithful to guide us to the right plan for me.

Why CTCA?

So before I share any further on our trip here, I just wanted to share how we were led to the Cancer Treatment Centers of America.  Over these past couple of years especially, we have seen how God is in AND CARES about the tiniest details of our lives.  This journey has been no exception.  After the whirl-wind of the first week and the discouragement & lack of peace we felt with the doctors, we really began almost begging God for guidance and wisdom to help find the right doctors & the right treatment options for me.  My body has always been super sensitive to medications and such which is why, over the years, I've tried more and more natural remedies for certain things.  This is also why I know without a doubt that, for me, a strictly conventional treatment would not work well.

But, I digress.  :-)  Getting back to my story, the night before my biopsy, I had an appointment with my chiropractor (who also "happens" to have a wholistic practice in the Springs) and told her about what was going on.  In the course of that conversation she mentioned that if I did find out I had cancer, she had heard good things about the Cancer Treatment Centers of America and that they combined conventional with alternative treatments and to check them out.  While I was waiting for my results, I did briefly check them out but once I saw that they weren't in the Springs area, I assumed that was that and ruled them out.   Skipping now past that first week, I had to call our insurance company and our benefits person at Jim's work to get some more information on how our insurance works for a certain test the doctors had wanted to order.  Towards the end of the conversation with the benefits person, she mentioned that we could go out of the city if we didn't find anyone we liked in the Springs area.  "What?"  I asked.  "Oh yeah.  We have a national network so if you don't like what you're finding in the Springs you could go up to Denver and some people even go out of state.  Just try to stay in network because it's cheaper."  Really?!  I started to get excited.  We had been desperately praying for someone in the Springs but what if God allowed our experience to be really negative because He had a different plan all along?!  So then I REALLY started checking into CTCA's website and noticed that not only did they have conventional but they had nutritionists, naturopathic doctors, massage therapists, accupuncturists.  What?!  This seemed too good to be true so I called them up to get more information.  Yes, they verified that all of these pieces are part of an individual treatment plan that they come up with for each patient.  Then they said that they will fly us both out for FREE for the 3-5 day evaluation where they will put us up for up to 6 days for a total of $75 and will give us 60% off the cafeteria food which serves organic, hormone-free (& some gluten free) options.  And then, if I become a patient, they will continue to handle ALL of the transportation for FREE for me for the rest of my treatment and I will pay a discounted rate if I need to stay overnight and will continue to get 60% off the food.  They asked about our insurance and when I told them, they thought that it would be covered but that they would have their finance people call me and verify so that we can decide if we want to set up an evaluation.  I can't even tell you how excited I was when I got off the phone.  This was exactly what we were praying for!  I called Jim and he started praying and then I decided to call my parents and ask them to pray.  This is where it gets even more interesting!  When I brought this up to my mom on the phone, she got so excited.  She told me that she remembered hearing their ads when they lived in Chicago and checked into it (unbeknownst to my dad and myself) when I was diagnosed but when she saw that they weren't in Colorado she ruled it out.  She then shared this w/my dad who got on the phone and said that when I was diagnosed, he was doing research about my cancer on the internet and the site that had the best information was....CTCA!  He checked unbeknownst to my mom and myself and when he realized that there wasn't a location in Colorado, he too ruled it out.  All 3 of us had come across CTCA unbeknownst to the others, all 3 of us got excited about it but then all 3 of us ruled it out when it seemed like it wasn't a possibility.  God then brought it BACK across all of our paths through the benefits person at Jim's work!

So, we all began praying earnestly and trusting God to continue to work out the details.  The next day we heard back from CTCA that we were covered but as an out of network provider BUT....if we would bring a copy of our benefits information, they will HONOR our in-network benefits!!!!  Yay God!!!  And within 1 week, our trip was set up and here we are.  God is IN THE TINEST of details, my friends!  He loves us SO much and cares about the little things.  They might seem insignificant but they are important to Him because we are important to Him.

We are HERE!

I realize that I haven't yet shared the journey to how we picked CTCA but I did want to give an update that, Yay, God, we made here to AZ safely!  I will still share about that piece in a later post.  As for tonight, we arrived at around 6:45 local time and after checking in and praying w/our girls over the phone, we made our way to the baggage claim where we were met by our driver, Carlos.  Wow, what great service CTCA gives to it's patients!  He made sure that we got our luggage and proceeded to take us to get some food, as the cafeteria at CTCA was closed.  After that, he gave us a quick tour of CTCA and I have to say that so far, I'm really impressed!  CTCA has a organic and hormone-free (AND some gluten-free too!) cafeteria, a cafe', gift shop, a full service salon AND library in addition to the clinic.  They will shuttle us to and from the hotel while we're here and while we're at the hospital, they will give us a room and ALL of the doctors, nurses, naturopathic doctors, nutritionists, and everyone else comes to us!  I'm really excited (and a little scared) at what they will all come up with for me.  The more research I do, the less I want anything to do with chemotherapy but I want to stay open to what God is wanting for us and praying that He will make things clear as we talk w/all of the doctors.  I'm really curious to see what they say compared to what we heard from the Colorado Springs doctors.  We are praying that God would heal me so that they won't need to do any "conventional" treatments but whatever God decides to do, we will continue to praise Him.  His plans are ALWAYS better than ours!

One thing I wanted to share w/all of you before we head off to bed.  My Moms group had bought me a book called "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young.  It's a book of little power-packed devotionals.  After reading the devotional for the day, I thought, just for grins, to look at the devotional for the day that I was diagnosed, October 25, even though I didn't have the book at the time.  It said this, "I AM GOD WITH YOU, for all the time and throughout eternity.  Don't let the familiarity of that concept numb its impact on your consciousness.  My perpetual Presence with you can be a continual source of Joy, springing up and flowing out in streams of abundant Life.  Let your mind reverberate with meanings of My Names:  Jesus - the Lord saves, and Emmanuel - God with us.  Strive to remain conscious of My Presence even in your busiest moments.  Talk with Me about whatever is on your mind.  These tiny steps of daily discipline, taken one after the other, will keep you close to Me on the path of Life."  How like God to give us something retroactively that ministers to our very souls!  I felt so much joy and peace the day I was diagnosed and friends, it was NOT FROM ME!  Things like this are why I can praise Him....because He has given me thing after thing after thing that tells me and shows me that He loves me intimately and that I am NOT walking through this alone!

Thank you, once again, for walking this journey with us!  We are so thankful for each and every one of you that has sent us notes, cards, emails, posts, phone calls and prayers.  You are each making a difference in our lives and we are so thankful for you!

Well, we are exhausted and need to get some sleep but we will post more after our appointment marathon tomorrow.  Pray for clarity and God's plan for my treatment to make itself known.

The journey begins

So my journey began a few weeks ago, towards the beginning of October, 2011.  I had been feeling exhausted for the last 1 1/2 years but attributed that to bringing home Jasmine and adjusting to our 2nd kiddo.  I had been putting off my yearly mammogram for about 6 months because things had been busy with Lily entering kindergarten and besides, people like me don't get cancer, right?  And then I had a dream.  In real time, I was laying on my right side and feeling some discomfort.  In my dream, I was in pain because I had cancer and in my dream I had no hair from the chemotherapy.  When I woke up, I didn't think too much of it because I had just started back w/power yoga and I was really sore from my first class back.  But later that evening I decided to check anyway and that's when I found the lump.  It felt significantly different from the cyst I had found in the left one the year before.  It was hard instead of soft.  But, it couldn't be cancer because I hadn't had any of the traditional symptoms.  The next morning I called my OB's office and they were able to get me in that morning.  "Ironically," that doctor thought it was a cyst but went ahead and ordered the mammogram and ultrasound "just to be sure."  I have to say that during that time, I really was amazingly peaceful, for the most part.  The thing I couldn't shake, though, was the dream.  I remembered that I had had a dream like that the night before I miscarried and I started to wonder if perhaps God was trying to prepare me for cancer.  So after 1 1/2 weeks, I had the mammogram.  During that time frame (thank you breast cancer awareness month), I started to feel bombarded w/breast cancer information.  People on my FB page, who had never posted information about cancer, all of the sudden were posting things about cancer, or alternatives to conventional treatments.  I started to feel strongly that God was preparing me.  "Ironically," they almost didn't let me do it because I had mistaken who had done my original mammogram so it didn't give them time to get those films in.   But a doctor ok'd my taking the mammogram and in I went.  Next they sent me to the ultrasound.  The doctor, who told me about the "mass", unfortunately had no bedside manner whatsoever.  She said that it had enough suspicious characteristics about it that they needed to do a biopsy, which they set up with me on right then.  On the one hand, I wasn't surprised because of my dream, but I did feel a little shell-shocked as I walked out to meet Jim and the girls.  At that point, I burst into tears and told Jim that they found a mass and that I have to have a biopsy.

We talked over the next week about him thinking it would be nothing and me thinking it would be cancer.  And the cancer bombardment continued!  I started to not sleep well until I prayed and asked God to override my body and allow me to sleep peacefully.  I've been sleeping like a baby ever since.  He continued to give me peace while I waited and I began to feel like He was literally holding me in the palm of His hands.  I can't even begin to tell you what an amazing feeling that was!  Despite all of the information coming across my path and even my little girl asking me out of the blue, "Mommy, what's breast cancer?"  God continued to hold me close while I waited.  For a while, I actually stopped praying and just let God hold me.  Everyone prayed for us.  Our small groups prayed, Jim's co-workers prayed, my family prayed and the handful of friends that knew prayed.  I began to ask & beg God that if it was cancer that would He use it for good in our lives and in others' lives as well.  I asked Him to help me Praise Him no matter what the outcome.  Once again, our worship time at church was absolutely incredible in shoring us up.  The Sunday before the biopsy, I remember sobbing throughout the whole first song and at the end of the song, the worship leader shared how their team was all going through some really tough things but that God was faithful and He is GREATER than all of those situations.  I felt so humbled that God would speak and minister SO clearly to me and that He was greater than my fears and greater than any cancer.
Thursday, October 20, I had the biopsy.  There were 3 masses total that they were going to look at.  One clearly was a cyst and so it was just the other 2.  We continued to pray and asked others to pray for us during that time.  On Tuesday, October 25, at 8:00am on the dot, I got a call from my OB/GYN's office to see if I could come in right away and discuss the results of my biopsy.   I knew that if it had been good news, they would have told me over the phone.  I called Jim & he hurried over to meet us at the OB's office.  Sure enough, the doctor confirmed that I have Ductal Carcinoma....breast cancer.  Now, I had, on the way over felt quite a bit of panic and fear but as I prayed, I was filled w/God's peace.  As I sat there listening to what every woman dreads hearing, I had the most amazing peace you can imagine.  Medicine confirmed what God had already told me.  Jim was in shock at the news.  He really thought that this would be nothing.  I thought differently because of the dream I had, otherwise I would have been in shock too.  On the way to my mommy's group, I was able to Praise God because He is good.  He loved me and He, the God of the universe, took the time to hold me close and reassure me that He is GREATER than the battle that rages for my life.  He prepared me and He would be there to help me through this journey.

So, now we had to let people know.  Jim notified his co-workers, who had been praying for us, as well as our couple's bible study group and the FPU (Financial Peace University - Dave Ramsey) class & it's leaders that I had cancer.  Later that night, his men's group leader would call him to say that he was prompted by some of the other men to call and check in.  (None of them knew the news yet but felt prompted to have the leader call.)  I called my parents and left a couple of messages w/some close friends and then headed over to my mom's group, a little late.  After our large group session, I started chatted w/some of the women and they began asking me when I would hear back.  I shared that I heard that morning.  I remember my sweet friend, Tammy, leaning over me with this expectant smile on her face as she asked, "And?????"  "I have breast cancer."  Oh, the looks on all of their precious faces.  They were not expecting that answer.  So we all talked and eventually the group laid hands on me and prayed for me while I sobbed.  God is SO good.  The support that started pouring in was incredible.  Later, at home, I phoned my sister and then put the announcement up on Facebook.  People began pouring out the their support to Jim, to me, on Facebook, via email, via phone.  It was incredible to see the love poured out on us.  We had experienced that kind of love only one other time and that was when we went to China to adopt our youngest daughter, Jasmine.  Oh, how God used those precious friends then and oh, how He used them that day to encourage us.  To everyone one of you who prayed, emailed, FB'd or hugged us - You were God's arms to us and we will FOREVER be thankful for each and EVERY one of you!  Jim also rec'd an email from the head of our FPU class, Amie, asking if the entire large group (200+ people) at FPU could pray for us that night.  We said yes.  That night, she brought us up there and God's peace continued to hold us as they invited whomever wanted to come up and pray.  People I didn't even know (and still don't) flocked up to lay hands on us and encircle us and the earnest prayers that they prayed on behalf of people they didn't even know was one of the most beautiful things I had ever heard or been a part of.  It was an incredible time of prayer and so humbling to have so much prayer and support from people who didn't know us.  God is SO good!

One thing I want to end with in this first post is how over these past few weeks, God has POURED out His peace, strength and love on us as we have moved through the process of finding doctors, further testing, research, etc.  He has reminded us over and over again that He holds it ALL, including cancer.  There isn't one thing that can be thrown at me that God hasn't already defeated!  He is GREATER than the battle that rages for my life and one way or another, He WILL heal me.  It may not be the way I want Him to heal but I will either end up in the arms of Jesus, completely healed or I will be healed here on earth. 

Psalm 40:1-3 says "I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire.  He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.  He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God.  Many will see what he has done and be amazed.  They will put their trust in the Lord."  May my cancer be something that others will see what GOD (not me) has done and put their trust in Him!