Scott Hamilton - I Am Second
In light of my post earlier today, I had to share this. SO powerful!
Friday, January 27, 2012
Weakness
It's been a while since I've last updated so before I get into something I'm learning, I wanted to update you all on what's been going on in my life over the last month. In addition to switching my family over to organic foods, and keeping up w/all of the vitamins and supplements, I've been switching out all of my household and personal products. I have been absolutely amazed at how much of my home environment has been rich with cancer causing chemicals. And I'm talking about nice Bath and body products and Victoria Secret products and some expensive shampoos and conditioners! I have thrown out about 5+ boxes worth of products that have things like anti-freeze in them! At the beginning of this journey, I really was amazed that I had gotten cancer...now, I'm surprised it didn't show up sooner! It is unbelievable what these companies put into these products! I encourage you, if this is something you're interested in, to go to http://www.ewg.org/skindeep/ and/or read the little book called "Shopper's Guide to Healthy Living" by Kathy Loidolt. Both have been extremely helpful for me in helping to start switching my products from chemicals to natural. The website will help you look up your products to see how safe they are and if your product isn't listed, you can look up the ingredients. The book is an easy read and shows you how to step by step start replacing your products. Both are very helpful if you're interested in a cleaner, less-chemical environment.
I also had my 30 day re-eval with my N.D. (Naturopathic Doc.) and the good news is that EVERYTHING that tested weak before tested strong this time! Yay God! It was an affirmation that I'm on the right track. There were a couple of vitamins that I didn't even need this time, although all of the main ones I'll need to continue for some time, to keep my body headed on the right track. He even commented that "wow, your body really responds well when it has the right nutrients." Thank you, God, for that. While I've been able to feel strong on the inside again, my energy level is still not there yet. I've had to remind myself that it's only been 2 months since my surgery. So much intensity and urgency was packed into such a short time frame that it feels like a year ago. One other praise is that I found an M.D. in the last month who practices functional medicine AND is covered by my insurance company! Yay God! Functional medicine basically looks at root causes of disease and is a code word in the medical world for wholistic. Integrative medicine is another code word for the same thing, in case you're looking for a doctor who actually looks at the root cause instead of treating the symptoms. Cancer is a symptom that my body has broken down and isn't working properly. Treating the symptom of cancer isn't going to keep the cancer from coming back but treating the root causes will. I met with him this past Monday and he is wonderful. He's also a Christian, which is a bonus for me. He spent almost 2 hours with me, just talking through symptoms and documenting history. The bad news is, in addition to my eliminating sugar, dairy, red meat and gluten, I have to (on a trial basis) eliminate corn, plain yogurt, eggs, citrus and nightshades (tomatoes, peppers, eggplant, potatoes). This past month has been so difficult with making all of the changes that I've already made, combined w/low energy levels, to now add these changes in has been really difficult and led to a very emotionally charged week. I broke down Tuesday night, just sobbing with Jim that I can't do it all and that I can't keep up. Thank God for a supportive, loving husband who told me that he has my back and WE'LL get through this together! I feel so positive about this M.D. that we're going to really get the care that I need but the exhaustion in doing all of these things WHILE doing all of the every day stuff felt so overwhelming to me. I never had any idea of how HARD it would be to get my body healthy again! I assumed that because I was feeling better, things would be easy but that has not been the case AT ALL! And all of this has brought out some issues for me that I really thought I had dealt with and gotten over a long time ago. That has not turned out to be the case. That God, what a kidder. In His infinite wisdom, He is already using this cancer to help me deal with my fear of being "weak" and putting the perfectionism that I had thought was dead and buried, front and center to wrestle with and heal from. And that brings me to the things I've been learning.
I want to share part of my devotional from a few days ago from Jesus Calling. She says, "IT'S ALL RIGHT TO BE HUMAN." At the end, the devotional concludes with "Your weakness and woundedness are the openings through which the Light of the knowledge of My Glory shines forth. My strength and power show themselves most effective in your weakness." I have really been wrestling with this over the past month or so. In fact, part of why I haven't posted is that I've been so worn out from all of the things I'm trying to "do." Why do I feel it necessary to do all and be all? Why is being weak (or admitting it) so negative in our culture and why do we expect each other to be strong all of the time when that clearly is NOT what God expects? We are NOT MEANT TO BE PERFECT here on earth so why do we continually try to be? I can't help but think that this is part of Satan's little ploy to try and keep us so busy that we have no time for God. he's (smaller caps intended) always been the counterfeit to the real, one TRUE God so I suppose that the useless and frustrating cycle of trying to be perfect in a fallen world shouldn't be so shockingly unfulfilling and unattainable. Why do I, knowing all of this, still allow myself to get sucked into this crazy, frustrating cycle of "try harder, do more, fail miserably"? I think my answer was found in yesterday's devotional (done today because I was so worn out yesterday). I think I still have this ill-conceived notion that problems need to be solved and we need to have a happy ending. I just forget that they all WILL be solved and there will be a happy ending but NOT YET. "GIVE UP THE ILLUSION that you deserve a problem-free life. Part of you is still hungering for the resolution of all difficulties." (Isn't that the truth?!) "This is a false hope! As I told My disciples, in the world you will have trouble. Link your hope not to problem solving in this life but to the promise of an eternity of problem-free life in heaven. Instead of seeking perfection in this fallen world, pour your energy into seeking Me: the Perfect One. It is possible to enjoy Me and glorify Me in the midst of adverse circumstances. In fact, My Light shines most brightly through believers who trust Me in the dark. That kind of trust is supernatural: a production of My indwelling Spirit. When things seem all wrong, trust Me anyway. I am much less interested in right circumstances than in right responses to whatever comes your way." (Jesus Calling)
Wow - can you feel the conviction I'm feeling right now? It all goes back to those little "interruptions" from God, doesn't it? C.S. Lewis said, "The great thing, if one can, is to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions of one's 'own,' or 'real' life. The truth is, of course, that what one calls the interruptions are precisely one's real life -- the life God is sending one day by day.” I have been, essentially, fighting the real life that God has sent me and viewed them as interruptions of what I feel I have to do. No wonder I'm so exhausted and worn out! Without even realizing it, I've been fighting against what God has sent me instead of rolling with the "real".
Please pray for me that I'll figure out how to roll with the "real" instead of looking at them as interruptions. Pray that I'll learn to be at peace with being weak & acknowledging my weaknesses so God can be strong in and through my life. If you're actually reading this, then you are a part of my journey and I'm so thankful for you. Thank you for being a part of my journey to healing.
I also had my 30 day re-eval with my N.D. (Naturopathic Doc.) and the good news is that EVERYTHING that tested weak before tested strong this time! Yay God! It was an affirmation that I'm on the right track. There were a couple of vitamins that I didn't even need this time, although all of the main ones I'll need to continue for some time, to keep my body headed on the right track. He even commented that "wow, your body really responds well when it has the right nutrients." Thank you, God, for that. While I've been able to feel strong on the inside again, my energy level is still not there yet. I've had to remind myself that it's only been 2 months since my surgery. So much intensity and urgency was packed into such a short time frame that it feels like a year ago. One other praise is that I found an M.D. in the last month who practices functional medicine AND is covered by my insurance company! Yay God! Functional medicine basically looks at root causes of disease and is a code word in the medical world for wholistic. Integrative medicine is another code word for the same thing, in case you're looking for a doctor who actually looks at the root cause instead of treating the symptoms. Cancer is a symptom that my body has broken down and isn't working properly. Treating the symptom of cancer isn't going to keep the cancer from coming back but treating the root causes will. I met with him this past Monday and he is wonderful. He's also a Christian, which is a bonus for me. He spent almost 2 hours with me, just talking through symptoms and documenting history. The bad news is, in addition to my eliminating sugar, dairy, red meat and gluten, I have to (on a trial basis) eliminate corn, plain yogurt, eggs, citrus and nightshades (tomatoes, peppers, eggplant, potatoes). This past month has been so difficult with making all of the changes that I've already made, combined w/low energy levels, to now add these changes in has been really difficult and led to a very emotionally charged week. I broke down Tuesday night, just sobbing with Jim that I can't do it all and that I can't keep up. Thank God for a supportive, loving husband who told me that he has my back and WE'LL get through this together! I feel so positive about this M.D. that we're going to really get the care that I need but the exhaustion in doing all of these things WHILE doing all of the every day stuff felt so overwhelming to me. I never had any idea of how HARD it would be to get my body healthy again! I assumed that because I was feeling better, things would be easy but that has not been the case AT ALL! And all of this has brought out some issues for me that I really thought I had dealt with and gotten over a long time ago. That has not turned out to be the case. That God, what a kidder. In His infinite wisdom, He is already using this cancer to help me deal with my fear of being "weak" and putting the perfectionism that I had thought was dead and buried, front and center to wrestle with and heal from. And that brings me to the things I've been learning.
I want to share part of my devotional from a few days ago from Jesus Calling. She says, "IT'S ALL RIGHT TO BE HUMAN." At the end, the devotional concludes with "Your weakness and woundedness are the openings through which the Light of the knowledge of My Glory shines forth. My strength and power show themselves most effective in your weakness." I have really been wrestling with this over the past month or so. In fact, part of why I haven't posted is that I've been so worn out from all of the things I'm trying to "do." Why do I feel it necessary to do all and be all? Why is being weak (or admitting it) so negative in our culture and why do we expect each other to be strong all of the time when that clearly is NOT what God expects? We are NOT MEANT TO BE PERFECT here on earth so why do we continually try to be? I can't help but think that this is part of Satan's little ploy to try and keep us so busy that we have no time for God. he's (smaller caps intended) always been the counterfeit to the real, one TRUE God so I suppose that the useless and frustrating cycle of trying to be perfect in a fallen world shouldn't be so shockingly unfulfilling and unattainable. Why do I, knowing all of this, still allow myself to get sucked into this crazy, frustrating cycle of "try harder, do more, fail miserably"? I think my answer was found in yesterday's devotional (done today because I was so worn out yesterday). I think I still have this ill-conceived notion that problems need to be solved and we need to have a happy ending. I just forget that they all WILL be solved and there will be a happy ending but NOT YET. "GIVE UP THE ILLUSION that you deserve a problem-free life. Part of you is still hungering for the resolution of all difficulties." (Isn't that the truth?!) "This is a false hope! As I told My disciples, in the world you will have trouble. Link your hope not to problem solving in this life but to the promise of an eternity of problem-free life in heaven. Instead of seeking perfection in this fallen world, pour your energy into seeking Me: the Perfect One. It is possible to enjoy Me and glorify Me in the midst of adverse circumstances. In fact, My Light shines most brightly through believers who trust Me in the dark. That kind of trust is supernatural: a production of My indwelling Spirit. When things seem all wrong, trust Me anyway. I am much less interested in right circumstances than in right responses to whatever comes your way." (Jesus Calling)
Wow - can you feel the conviction I'm feeling right now? It all goes back to those little "interruptions" from God, doesn't it? C.S. Lewis said, "The great thing, if one can, is to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions of one's 'own,' or 'real' life. The truth is, of course, that what one calls the interruptions are precisely one's real life -- the life God is sending one day by day.” I have been, essentially, fighting the real life that God has sent me and viewed them as interruptions of what I feel I have to do. No wonder I'm so exhausted and worn out! Without even realizing it, I've been fighting against what God has sent me instead of rolling with the "real".
Please pray for me that I'll figure out how to roll with the "real" instead of looking at them as interruptions. Pray that I'll learn to be at peace with being weak & acknowledging my weaknesses so God can be strong in and through my life. If you're actually reading this, then you are a part of my journey and I'm so thankful for you. Thank you for being a part of my journey to healing.
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