Sometimes I wish that every day was Sunday and that every day I could have that same experience that I have in church....the one of being in God's presence where every single worry, fear, anxious thought and frustration is wiped away. I am completely at peace and not distracted and I'm reminded for about 1+ hours of who God is, how big He is and that I don't need to worry about anything because He is with me. But I suppose that would be the spiritual equivalent of living in a bubble, never having an opportunity for those weaknesses and struggles to become strengths and triumphs and character to deepen and grow. Oh how I LONG to be in a place of experiencing His Presence again, the way I did while I was waiting to hear about my diagnosis and even for a time after. How I LONG for Heaven! No more tears or fears, no more supplements, no strict/rigid diets, no disappearing friends. Just His constant presence.
I don't know how it happened but somewhere in the midst of doing all of the "tasks" of research and purging my house, changing my diet, preparing for surgery, etc., the "feeling" went away. I know that it's not Him who went away, it was me, spinning and spitting as I went into default mode. The trouble, with default mode, is that you get things done without engaging your mind or your intentions. I have no doubt that God is allowing all of these things to come to the surface. He wants me to really learn about trusting that He is with me ALWAYS. He wants me to seek His Presence in my every day life and He wants me to really KNOW that it's okay to be weak because He is strong. I don't have to be strong all of the time because He will take care of me and when I need to be strong, He wants it to be with His strength, not mine. Problem is, I don't want to learn these things....not really. I don't want to go through more growing pains. But everything on my plate right now is completely and totally overwhelming and my strength is not yet back. And I'm so tired. I'm tired of the number of supplements I need to take 3 times a day and I'm tired of coming up w/fresh recipes that we can all eat. I'm already tired, and it's only been 1 week, of the new elimination diet my Dr. wants me to go on for the next 30 to 90 days (so that's MORE foods to eliminate and less to work with). And I'm tired of being tired but feeling like I HAVE to have energy. Of feeling discouraged but feeling like I HAVE to be positive all the time. Of feeling alone but feeling like I HAVE to have faith. Of feeling weak but feeling like I HAVE to be strong. Thank God that He loves me and that even though I can't feel it right now, He is holding me in the palm of His hand.
Rather than continuing to go on and try and find some nice, neat little bow to tie this all in, I'm just going to leave you with my devotional from today. "I AM WITH YOU AND FOR YOU. You face nothing alone - nothing! When you feel anxious, know that you are focusing on the visible world and leaving Me out of the picture. The remedy is simple: Fix your eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen. Verbalize your trust in Me, the Living One who sees you always. I will get you safely through this day and all your days. But you can find Me only in the present. Each day is a precious gift from My Father. How ridiculous to grasp for future gifts when today's is set before you! Receive today's gift gratefully, unwrapping it tenderly and delving into its depths. As you savor this gift, you find Me." (Jesus Calling)
