Wow, I can't believe it's been 1 1/2 months since I last posted! It has been a rough time but God, as always, is SO faithful and He's gotten me through. I have written multiple blogs in my head during this time, longing to put into writing what it's like to try and get your body healthy from disease and yet not having the words for how difficult it's been. I think people have this misconception about me that because I've chosen not to do traditional treatments, that everything must be fine and easy. I have to say that even I had no idea at how hard this would be going into all of this. This has proven to be one of the hardest challenges that I have ever had. My day is spent either making food, praying about food, researching food, eating food, making food for my family or preparing my supplements. It has been ALL about making this new lifestyle work for me and my family. But, this is my treatment - turning around the disease in my body via nutrition and supplements and lifestyle.
I have also had to make additional changes to my diet, as per my doctor. He put me on an elimination diet almost 2 months ago, to try and see if certain foods were causing inflammation in my body due to an allergic reaction. (Inflammation, btw, is a big feeder of cancer so it's important to eliminate as many causes of inflammation as possible.) So, in addition to all of the changes that I had already made (sugar, wheat, dairy & red meat), I had to eliminate soy, corn, tomatoes, potatoes, peppers, eggs & citrus! (Can you feel the pain that this caused?!) ;-) These past few weeks have been all about me adjusting to this change and trying to adjust as many of our recipes as possible. Tomatoes, in particular, have been a staple of our diets because of their cancer-fighting capabilities. I LOVE salsa and I make an incredible (homemade) tomato sauce as well as use them as a base in my soups. Giving up tomatoes was actually harder than giving up sugar. I also use a lot of citrus in my cooking and for salad dressings so that was also brutal. All in all, it didn't leave me with a lot of food choices (at least not in a cold weather climate where fresh foods really are seasonal in their availability). Thankfully, with a lot of prayer and research, I've started to come up with some different ideas and new recipes. I have learned, as of today, that I am allergic to tomatoes and corn, so many of my ideas will have to become permanent as I can't afford to have allergic reactions cause the cancer to come back.
These past weeks have also been a time of deep wrestling over living in God's presence, one day at a time, and laying down my fears of death at His feet. It's really easy to just get into all of the minutiae of life and forget that we are ALL mortal. But when you deal with a life-threatening illness, all of that comes home pretty quickly. Initially, I felt an incredible amount of peace that if God intended to heal me via bringing me home to heaven, that would be fine with me. It's still fine with me. As my pastor says, Heaven is not a consolation prize. How amazing to be with Jesus! But over the past few months as we've been praying about moving to Austin and continuing to feel God's confirmation, I've struggled with the dreams I have for us in Austin and whether or not God has completely healed my body. I truly felt haunted by my surgeon trying to manipulate me into treatments that were not good for my body, saying "You're going to die." Granted, none of that was done out of his concern for me. All of it was said to intimidate me into doing what he wanted so he could profit from it. (Traditional cancer treatments are BIG money.) Quite frankly, it was evil, what he said. Only God knows when our time to go is. If God intends me to be healed then I will be. Period. And if it's my time, then nothing I do will change that. But being personally at peace with that, is a different story, that each of us must wrestle to the ground at some point. These past 2 weeks have been much more peaceful for me as God has brought some wise people into my life to help me put some of these fears into perspective. Ultimately the enemy is all about destroying ANYTHING good that God desires to give us and he (little "h") has been all over that with me in the past few months, using the surgeon's awful words like a constant echo in my thoughts. he has sought to steal my joy and tried to get me focused on death rather than living the life that God has given me. Thankfully these wise people have pointed this out and reminded me that I am in a spiritual battle with an enemy who does NOT fight fair. he doesn't care that I'm fighting disease and cancer, he only seeks to take advantage and knock me out of the fight. Thank God for this Easter weekend to remind us that satan himself has been FOREVER defeated and his time is coming! Oh, and by the way, satan, I'm on the winning team....FOREVER!
This really seemed like such a crazy thing to do but our family really felt led to be a part of the Thorn this year, in the midst of all of this struggle and discouragement. The Thorn is a massive production that our church does every year around the Easter time frame. It's a massive musical, theatrical, dance, pyrotechnic story about the life, death and resurrection of Jesus. This is the first year that they decided to hold it at a local concert venue called the World Arena. There are literally hundreds of people involved in this and not only do people come from all over to see it but they've also started traveling with the show to other states and cities to do this. We decided, and the girls agreed, to do this as a family and be a part of the general cast. Lily asked if she could try out for a part and ended up getting a little part as a "circle girl" or one of 4 little girls that do a ring-around-the-rosie with Jesus during a Palm Sunday scene. I knew that this would be powerful for our family and I'm so thankful that we all decided to do it together (yup, even Jim). We had about 6 weeks of rehearsals and then a total of 4 performances in Colorado Springs that we were a part of. The coolest thing about doing this for me (besides being able to do this with my husband and children) was watching the scenes with the "supernaturals" as they were called. The supernaturals were dancers & martial artists who were either good angels or demons, warrior angels or warrior demons and the angel of God and satan. The Thorn has a number of scenes depicting the spiritual warfare that may have (and probably did) go on behind the scenes - satan tempting Adam and Eve, satan trying to kill baby Jesus, satan and his demons tempting Judas, satan and his demons trying to attack Jesus while He's praying at the Garden of Gethsemane, etc. I never thought about what kind of taunting that Jesus must have endured from satan himself leading up to and while on the cross.....in addition to the physical torture and then God turning His back on His own son. I can't comprehend why He would do that for us and yet I know that it's because of His great love for us. All of it because He wanted a relationship with us and He didn't want us to be forever separated from Him. What does this have to do with my struggles of the last few months, you might ask? EVERYTHING! Because of Him, Jesus, my life can NEVER be taken away. I will either live here on earth or be with Him forever in heaven and my eternity can NEVER be taken away. Not by satan. Not by cancer. "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him." James 1:2-4,12
Praise be to God who loved us first and showed us what love looks like....Jesus, on a cross, beaten and bloodied so that we didn't have to be. May each of you experience His Love this Easter weekend!
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Friday, February 3, 2012
He is with me
Sometimes I wish that every day was Sunday and that every day I could have that same experience that I have in church....the one of being in God's presence where every single worry, fear, anxious thought and frustration is wiped away. I am completely at peace and not distracted and I'm reminded for about 1+ hours of who God is, how big He is and that I don't need to worry about anything because He is with me. But I suppose that would be the spiritual equivalent of living in a bubble, never having an opportunity for those weaknesses and struggles to become strengths and triumphs and character to deepen and grow. Oh how I LONG to be in a place of experiencing His Presence again, the way I did while I was waiting to hear about my diagnosis and even for a time after. How I LONG for Heaven! No more tears or fears, no more supplements, no strict/rigid diets, no disappearing friends. Just His constant presence.
I don't know how it happened but somewhere in the midst of doing all of the "tasks" of research and purging my house, changing my diet, preparing for surgery, etc., the "feeling" went away. I know that it's not Him who went away, it was me, spinning and spitting as I went into default mode. The trouble, with default mode, is that you get things done without engaging your mind or your intentions. I have no doubt that God is allowing all of these things to come to the surface. He wants me to really learn about trusting that He is with me ALWAYS. He wants me to seek His Presence in my every day life and He wants me to really KNOW that it's okay to be weak because He is strong. I don't have to be strong all of the time because He will take care of me and when I need to be strong, He wants it to be with His strength, not mine. Problem is, I don't want to learn these things....not really. I don't want to go through more growing pains. But everything on my plate right now is completely and totally overwhelming and my strength is not yet back. And I'm so tired. I'm tired of the number of supplements I need to take 3 times a day and I'm tired of coming up w/fresh recipes that we can all eat. I'm already tired, and it's only been 1 week, of the new elimination diet my Dr. wants me to go on for the next 30 to 90 days (so that's MORE foods to eliminate and less to work with). And I'm tired of being tired but feeling like I HAVE to have energy. Of feeling discouraged but feeling like I HAVE to be positive all the time. Of feeling alone but feeling like I HAVE to have faith. Of feeling weak but feeling like I HAVE to be strong. Thank God that He loves me and that even though I can't feel it right now, He is holding me in the palm of His hand.
Rather than continuing to go on and try and find some nice, neat little bow to tie this all in, I'm just going to leave you with my devotional from today. "I AM WITH YOU AND FOR YOU. You face nothing alone - nothing! When you feel anxious, know that you are focusing on the visible world and leaving Me out of the picture. The remedy is simple: Fix your eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen. Verbalize your trust in Me, the Living One who sees you always. I will get you safely through this day and all your days. But you can find Me only in the present. Each day is a precious gift from My Father. How ridiculous to grasp for future gifts when today's is set before you! Receive today's gift gratefully, unwrapping it tenderly and delving into its depths. As you savor this gift, you find Me." (Jesus Calling)
I don't know how it happened but somewhere in the midst of doing all of the "tasks" of research and purging my house, changing my diet, preparing for surgery, etc., the "feeling" went away. I know that it's not Him who went away, it was me, spinning and spitting as I went into default mode. The trouble, with default mode, is that you get things done without engaging your mind or your intentions. I have no doubt that God is allowing all of these things to come to the surface. He wants me to really learn about trusting that He is with me ALWAYS. He wants me to seek His Presence in my every day life and He wants me to really KNOW that it's okay to be weak because He is strong. I don't have to be strong all of the time because He will take care of me and when I need to be strong, He wants it to be with His strength, not mine. Problem is, I don't want to learn these things....not really. I don't want to go through more growing pains. But everything on my plate right now is completely and totally overwhelming and my strength is not yet back. And I'm so tired. I'm tired of the number of supplements I need to take 3 times a day and I'm tired of coming up w/fresh recipes that we can all eat. I'm already tired, and it's only been 1 week, of the new elimination diet my Dr. wants me to go on for the next 30 to 90 days (so that's MORE foods to eliminate and less to work with). And I'm tired of being tired but feeling like I HAVE to have energy. Of feeling discouraged but feeling like I HAVE to be positive all the time. Of feeling alone but feeling like I HAVE to have faith. Of feeling weak but feeling like I HAVE to be strong. Thank God that He loves me and that even though I can't feel it right now, He is holding me in the palm of His hand.
Rather than continuing to go on and try and find some nice, neat little bow to tie this all in, I'm just going to leave you with my devotional from today. "I AM WITH YOU AND FOR YOU. You face nothing alone - nothing! When you feel anxious, know that you are focusing on the visible world and leaving Me out of the picture. The remedy is simple: Fix your eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen. Verbalize your trust in Me, the Living One who sees you always. I will get you safely through this day and all your days. But you can find Me only in the present. Each day is a precious gift from My Father. How ridiculous to grasp for future gifts when today's is set before you! Receive today's gift gratefully, unwrapping it tenderly and delving into its depths. As you savor this gift, you find Me." (Jesus Calling)
Friday, January 27, 2012
Weakness
It's been a while since I've last updated so before I get into something I'm learning, I wanted to update you all on what's been going on in my life over the last month. In addition to switching my family over to organic foods, and keeping up w/all of the vitamins and supplements, I've been switching out all of my household and personal products. I have been absolutely amazed at how much of my home environment has been rich with cancer causing chemicals. And I'm talking about nice Bath and body products and Victoria Secret products and some expensive shampoos and conditioners! I have thrown out about 5+ boxes worth of products that have things like anti-freeze in them! At the beginning of this journey, I really was amazed that I had gotten cancer...now, I'm surprised it didn't show up sooner! It is unbelievable what these companies put into these products! I encourage you, if this is something you're interested in, to go to http://www.ewg.org/skindeep/ and/or read the little book called "Shopper's Guide to Healthy Living" by Kathy Loidolt. Both have been extremely helpful for me in helping to start switching my products from chemicals to natural. The website will help you look up your products to see how safe they are and if your product isn't listed, you can look up the ingredients. The book is an easy read and shows you how to step by step start replacing your products. Both are very helpful if you're interested in a cleaner, less-chemical environment.
I also had my 30 day re-eval with my N.D. (Naturopathic Doc.) and the good news is that EVERYTHING that tested weak before tested strong this time! Yay God! It was an affirmation that I'm on the right track. There were a couple of vitamins that I didn't even need this time, although all of the main ones I'll need to continue for some time, to keep my body headed on the right track. He even commented that "wow, your body really responds well when it has the right nutrients." Thank you, God, for that. While I've been able to feel strong on the inside again, my energy level is still not there yet. I've had to remind myself that it's only been 2 months since my surgery. So much intensity and urgency was packed into such a short time frame that it feels like a year ago. One other praise is that I found an M.D. in the last month who practices functional medicine AND is covered by my insurance company! Yay God! Functional medicine basically looks at root causes of disease and is a code word in the medical world for wholistic. Integrative medicine is another code word for the same thing, in case you're looking for a doctor who actually looks at the root cause instead of treating the symptoms. Cancer is a symptom that my body has broken down and isn't working properly. Treating the symptom of cancer isn't going to keep the cancer from coming back but treating the root causes will. I met with him this past Monday and he is wonderful. He's also a Christian, which is a bonus for me. He spent almost 2 hours with me, just talking through symptoms and documenting history. The bad news is, in addition to my eliminating sugar, dairy, red meat and gluten, I have to (on a trial basis) eliminate corn, plain yogurt, eggs, citrus and nightshades (tomatoes, peppers, eggplant, potatoes). This past month has been so difficult with making all of the changes that I've already made, combined w/low energy levels, to now add these changes in has been really difficult and led to a very emotionally charged week. I broke down Tuesday night, just sobbing with Jim that I can't do it all and that I can't keep up. Thank God for a supportive, loving husband who told me that he has my back and WE'LL get through this together! I feel so positive about this M.D. that we're going to really get the care that I need but the exhaustion in doing all of these things WHILE doing all of the every day stuff felt so overwhelming to me. I never had any idea of how HARD it would be to get my body healthy again! I assumed that because I was feeling better, things would be easy but that has not been the case AT ALL! And all of this has brought out some issues for me that I really thought I had dealt with and gotten over a long time ago. That has not turned out to be the case. That God, what a kidder. In His infinite wisdom, He is already using this cancer to help me deal with my fear of being "weak" and putting the perfectionism that I had thought was dead and buried, front and center to wrestle with and heal from. And that brings me to the things I've been learning.
I want to share part of my devotional from a few days ago from Jesus Calling. She says, "IT'S ALL RIGHT TO BE HUMAN." At the end, the devotional concludes with "Your weakness and woundedness are the openings through which the Light of the knowledge of My Glory shines forth. My strength and power show themselves most effective in your weakness." I have really been wrestling with this over the past month or so. In fact, part of why I haven't posted is that I've been so worn out from all of the things I'm trying to "do." Why do I feel it necessary to do all and be all? Why is being weak (or admitting it) so negative in our culture and why do we expect each other to be strong all of the time when that clearly is NOT what God expects? We are NOT MEANT TO BE PERFECT here on earth so why do we continually try to be? I can't help but think that this is part of Satan's little ploy to try and keep us so busy that we have no time for God. he's (smaller caps intended) always been the counterfeit to the real, one TRUE God so I suppose that the useless and frustrating cycle of trying to be perfect in a fallen world shouldn't be so shockingly unfulfilling and unattainable. Why do I, knowing all of this, still allow myself to get sucked into this crazy, frustrating cycle of "try harder, do more, fail miserably"? I think my answer was found in yesterday's devotional (done today because I was so worn out yesterday). I think I still have this ill-conceived notion that problems need to be solved and we need to have a happy ending. I just forget that they all WILL be solved and there will be a happy ending but NOT YET. "GIVE UP THE ILLUSION that you deserve a problem-free life. Part of you is still hungering for the resolution of all difficulties." (Isn't that the truth?!) "This is a false hope! As I told My disciples, in the world you will have trouble. Link your hope not to problem solving in this life but to the promise of an eternity of problem-free life in heaven. Instead of seeking perfection in this fallen world, pour your energy into seeking Me: the Perfect One. It is possible to enjoy Me and glorify Me in the midst of adverse circumstances. In fact, My Light shines most brightly through believers who trust Me in the dark. That kind of trust is supernatural: a production of My indwelling Spirit. When things seem all wrong, trust Me anyway. I am much less interested in right circumstances than in right responses to whatever comes your way." (Jesus Calling)
Wow - can you feel the conviction I'm feeling right now? It all goes back to those little "interruptions" from God, doesn't it? C.S. Lewis said, "The great thing, if one can, is to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions of one's 'own,' or 'real' life. The truth is, of course, that what one calls the interruptions are precisely one's real life -- the life God is sending one day by day.” I have been, essentially, fighting the real life that God has sent me and viewed them as interruptions of what I feel I have to do. No wonder I'm so exhausted and worn out! Without even realizing it, I've been fighting against what God has sent me instead of rolling with the "real".
Please pray for me that I'll figure out how to roll with the "real" instead of looking at them as interruptions. Pray that I'll learn to be at peace with being weak & acknowledging my weaknesses so God can be strong in and through my life. If you're actually reading this, then you are a part of my journey and I'm so thankful for you. Thank you for being a part of my journey to healing.
I also had my 30 day re-eval with my N.D. (Naturopathic Doc.) and the good news is that EVERYTHING that tested weak before tested strong this time! Yay God! It was an affirmation that I'm on the right track. There were a couple of vitamins that I didn't even need this time, although all of the main ones I'll need to continue for some time, to keep my body headed on the right track. He even commented that "wow, your body really responds well when it has the right nutrients." Thank you, God, for that. While I've been able to feel strong on the inside again, my energy level is still not there yet. I've had to remind myself that it's only been 2 months since my surgery. So much intensity and urgency was packed into such a short time frame that it feels like a year ago. One other praise is that I found an M.D. in the last month who practices functional medicine AND is covered by my insurance company! Yay God! Functional medicine basically looks at root causes of disease and is a code word in the medical world for wholistic. Integrative medicine is another code word for the same thing, in case you're looking for a doctor who actually looks at the root cause instead of treating the symptoms. Cancer is a symptom that my body has broken down and isn't working properly. Treating the symptom of cancer isn't going to keep the cancer from coming back but treating the root causes will. I met with him this past Monday and he is wonderful. He's also a Christian, which is a bonus for me. He spent almost 2 hours with me, just talking through symptoms and documenting history. The bad news is, in addition to my eliminating sugar, dairy, red meat and gluten, I have to (on a trial basis) eliminate corn, plain yogurt, eggs, citrus and nightshades (tomatoes, peppers, eggplant, potatoes). This past month has been so difficult with making all of the changes that I've already made, combined w/low energy levels, to now add these changes in has been really difficult and led to a very emotionally charged week. I broke down Tuesday night, just sobbing with Jim that I can't do it all and that I can't keep up. Thank God for a supportive, loving husband who told me that he has my back and WE'LL get through this together! I feel so positive about this M.D. that we're going to really get the care that I need but the exhaustion in doing all of these things WHILE doing all of the every day stuff felt so overwhelming to me. I never had any idea of how HARD it would be to get my body healthy again! I assumed that because I was feeling better, things would be easy but that has not been the case AT ALL! And all of this has brought out some issues for me that I really thought I had dealt with and gotten over a long time ago. That has not turned out to be the case. That God, what a kidder. In His infinite wisdom, He is already using this cancer to help me deal with my fear of being "weak" and putting the perfectionism that I had thought was dead and buried, front and center to wrestle with and heal from. And that brings me to the things I've been learning.
I want to share part of my devotional from a few days ago from Jesus Calling. She says, "IT'S ALL RIGHT TO BE HUMAN." At the end, the devotional concludes with "Your weakness and woundedness are the openings through which the Light of the knowledge of My Glory shines forth. My strength and power show themselves most effective in your weakness." I have really been wrestling with this over the past month or so. In fact, part of why I haven't posted is that I've been so worn out from all of the things I'm trying to "do." Why do I feel it necessary to do all and be all? Why is being weak (or admitting it) so negative in our culture and why do we expect each other to be strong all of the time when that clearly is NOT what God expects? We are NOT MEANT TO BE PERFECT here on earth so why do we continually try to be? I can't help but think that this is part of Satan's little ploy to try and keep us so busy that we have no time for God. he's (smaller caps intended) always been the counterfeit to the real, one TRUE God so I suppose that the useless and frustrating cycle of trying to be perfect in a fallen world shouldn't be so shockingly unfulfilling and unattainable. Why do I, knowing all of this, still allow myself to get sucked into this crazy, frustrating cycle of "try harder, do more, fail miserably"? I think my answer was found in yesterday's devotional (done today because I was so worn out yesterday). I think I still have this ill-conceived notion that problems need to be solved and we need to have a happy ending. I just forget that they all WILL be solved and there will be a happy ending but NOT YET. "GIVE UP THE ILLUSION that you deserve a problem-free life. Part of you is still hungering for the resolution of all difficulties." (Isn't that the truth?!) "This is a false hope! As I told My disciples, in the world you will have trouble. Link your hope not to problem solving in this life but to the promise of an eternity of problem-free life in heaven. Instead of seeking perfection in this fallen world, pour your energy into seeking Me: the Perfect One. It is possible to enjoy Me and glorify Me in the midst of adverse circumstances. In fact, My Light shines most brightly through believers who trust Me in the dark. That kind of trust is supernatural: a production of My indwelling Spirit. When things seem all wrong, trust Me anyway. I am much less interested in right circumstances than in right responses to whatever comes your way." (Jesus Calling)
Wow - can you feel the conviction I'm feeling right now? It all goes back to those little "interruptions" from God, doesn't it? C.S. Lewis said, "The great thing, if one can, is to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions of one's 'own,' or 'real' life. The truth is, of course, that what one calls the interruptions are precisely one's real life -- the life God is sending one day by day.” I have been, essentially, fighting the real life that God has sent me and viewed them as interruptions of what I feel I have to do. No wonder I'm so exhausted and worn out! Without even realizing it, I've been fighting against what God has sent me instead of rolling with the "real".
Please pray for me that I'll figure out how to roll with the "real" instead of looking at them as interruptions. Pray that I'll learn to be at peace with being weak & acknowledging my weaknesses so God can be strong in and through my life. If you're actually reading this, then you are a part of my journey and I'm so thankful for you. Thank you for being a part of my journey to healing.
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