Wow, I can't believe it's been 1 1/2 months since I last posted! It has been a rough time but God, as always, is SO faithful and He's gotten me through. I have written multiple blogs in my head during this time, longing to put into writing what it's like to try and get your body healthy from disease and yet not having the words for how difficult it's been. I think people have this misconception about me that because I've chosen not to do traditional treatments, that everything must be fine and easy. I have to say that even I had no idea at how hard this would be going into all of this. This has proven to be one of the hardest challenges that I have ever had. My day is spent either making food, praying about food, researching food, eating food, making food for my family or preparing my supplements. It has been ALL about making this new lifestyle work for me and my family. But, this is my treatment - turning around the disease in my body via nutrition and supplements and lifestyle.
I have also had to make additional changes to my diet, as per my doctor. He put me on an elimination diet almost 2 months ago, to try and see if certain foods were causing inflammation in my body due to an allergic reaction. (Inflammation, btw, is a big feeder of cancer so it's important to eliminate as many causes of inflammation as possible.) So, in addition to all of the changes that I had already made (sugar, wheat, dairy & red meat), I had to eliminate soy, corn, tomatoes, potatoes, peppers, eggs & citrus! (Can you feel the pain that this caused?!) ;-) These past few weeks have been all about me adjusting to this change and trying to adjust as many of our recipes as possible. Tomatoes, in particular, have been a staple of our diets because of their cancer-fighting capabilities. I LOVE salsa and I make an incredible (homemade) tomato sauce as well as use them as a base in my soups. Giving up tomatoes was actually harder than giving up sugar. I also use a lot of citrus in my cooking and for salad dressings so that was also brutal. All in all, it didn't leave me with a lot of food choices (at least not in a cold weather climate where fresh foods really are seasonal in their availability). Thankfully, with a lot of prayer and research, I've started to come up with some different ideas and new recipes. I have learned, as of today, that I am allergic to tomatoes and corn, so many of my ideas will have to become permanent as I can't afford to have allergic reactions cause the cancer to come back.
These past weeks have also been a time of deep wrestling over living in God's presence, one day at a time, and laying down my fears of death at His feet. It's really easy to just get into all of the minutiae of life and forget that we are ALL mortal. But when you deal with a life-threatening illness, all of that comes home pretty quickly. Initially, I felt an incredible amount of peace that if God intended to heal me via bringing me home to heaven, that would be fine with me. It's still fine with me. As my pastor says, Heaven is not a consolation prize. How amazing to be with Jesus! But over the past few months as we've been praying about moving to Austin and continuing to feel God's confirmation, I've struggled with the dreams I have for us in Austin and whether or not God has completely healed my body. I truly felt haunted by my surgeon trying to manipulate me into treatments that were not good for my body, saying "You're going to die." Granted, none of that was done out of his concern for me. All of it was said to intimidate me into doing what he wanted so he could profit from it. (Traditional cancer treatments are BIG money.) Quite frankly, it was evil, what he said. Only God knows when our time to go is. If God intends me to be healed then I will be. Period. And if it's my time, then nothing I do will change that. But being personally at peace with that, is a different story, that each of us must wrestle to the ground at some point. These past 2 weeks have been much more peaceful for me as God has brought some wise people into my life to help me put some of these fears into perspective. Ultimately the enemy is all about destroying ANYTHING good that God desires to give us and he (little "h") has been all over that with me in the past few months, using the surgeon's awful words like a constant echo in my thoughts. he has sought to steal my joy and tried to get me focused on death rather than living the life that God has given me. Thankfully these wise people have pointed this out and reminded me that I am in a spiritual battle with an enemy who does NOT fight fair. he doesn't care that I'm fighting disease and cancer, he only seeks to take advantage and knock me out of the fight. Thank God for this Easter weekend to remind us that satan himself has been FOREVER defeated and his time is coming! Oh, and by the way, satan, I'm on the winning team....FOREVER!
This really seemed like such a crazy thing to do but our family really felt led to be a part of the Thorn this year, in the midst of all of this struggle and discouragement. The Thorn is a massive production that our church does every year around the Easter time frame. It's a massive musical, theatrical, dance, pyrotechnic story about the life, death and resurrection of Jesus. This is the first year that they decided to hold it at a local concert venue called the World Arena. There are literally hundreds of people involved in this and not only do people come from all over to see it but they've also started traveling with the show to other states and cities to do this. We decided, and the girls agreed, to do this as a family and be a part of the general cast. Lily asked if she could try out for a part and ended up getting a little part as a "circle girl" or one of 4 little girls that do a ring-around-the-rosie with Jesus during a Palm Sunday scene. I knew that this would be powerful for our family and I'm so thankful that we all decided to do it together (yup, even Jim). We had about 6 weeks of rehearsals and then a total of 4 performances in Colorado Springs that we were a part of. The coolest thing about doing this for me (besides being able to do this with my husband and children) was watching the scenes with the "supernaturals" as they were called. The supernaturals were dancers & martial artists who were either good angels or demons, warrior angels or warrior demons and the angel of God and satan. The Thorn has a number of scenes depicting the spiritual warfare that may have (and probably did) go on behind the scenes - satan tempting Adam and Eve, satan trying to kill baby Jesus, satan and his demons tempting Judas, satan and his demons trying to attack Jesus while He's praying at the Garden of Gethsemane, etc. I never thought about what kind of taunting that Jesus must have endured from satan himself leading up to and while on the cross.....in addition to the physical torture and then God turning His back on His own son. I can't comprehend why He would do that for us and yet I know that it's because of His great love for us. All of it because He wanted a relationship with us and He didn't want us to be forever separated from Him. What does this have to do with my struggles of the last few months, you might ask? EVERYTHING! Because of Him, Jesus, my life can NEVER be taken away. I will either live here on earth or be with Him forever in heaven and my eternity can NEVER be taken away. Not by satan. Not by cancer. "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him." James 1:2-4,12
Praise be to God who loved us first and showed us what love looks like....Jesus, on a cross, beaten and bloodied so that we didn't have to be. May each of you experience His Love this Easter weekend!
