The journey begins

So my journey began a few weeks ago, towards the beginning of October, 2011.  I had been feeling exhausted for the last 1 1/2 years but attributed that to bringing home Jasmine and adjusting to our 2nd kiddo.  I had been putting off my yearly mammogram for about 6 months because things had been busy with Lily entering kindergarten and besides, people like me don't get cancer, right?  And then I had a dream.  In real time, I was laying on my right side and feeling some discomfort.  In my dream, I was in pain because I had cancer and in my dream I had no hair from the chemotherapy.  When I woke up, I didn't think too much of it because I had just started back w/power yoga and I was really sore from my first class back.  But later that evening I decided to check anyway and that's when I found the lump.  It felt significantly different from the cyst I had found in the left one the year before.  It was hard instead of soft.  But, it couldn't be cancer because I hadn't had any of the traditional symptoms.  The next morning I called my OB's office and they were able to get me in that morning.  "Ironically," that doctor thought it was a cyst but went ahead and ordered the mammogram and ultrasound "just to be sure."  I have to say that during that time, I really was amazingly peaceful, for the most part.  The thing I couldn't shake, though, was the dream.  I remembered that I had had a dream like that the night before I miscarried and I started to wonder if perhaps God was trying to prepare me for cancer.  So after 1 1/2 weeks, I had the mammogram.  During that time frame (thank you breast cancer awareness month), I started to feel bombarded w/breast cancer information.  People on my FB page, who had never posted information about cancer, all of the sudden were posting things about cancer, or alternatives to conventional treatments.  I started to feel strongly that God was preparing me.  "Ironically," they almost didn't let me do it because I had mistaken who had done my original mammogram so it didn't give them time to get those films in.   But a doctor ok'd my taking the mammogram and in I went.  Next they sent me to the ultrasound.  The doctor, who told me about the "mass", unfortunately had no bedside manner whatsoever.  She said that it had enough suspicious characteristics about it that they needed to do a biopsy, which they set up with me on right then.  On the one hand, I wasn't surprised because of my dream, but I did feel a little shell-shocked as I walked out to meet Jim and the girls.  At that point, I burst into tears and told Jim that they found a mass and that I have to have a biopsy.

We talked over the next week about him thinking it would be nothing and me thinking it would be cancer.  And the cancer bombardment continued!  I started to not sleep well until I prayed and asked God to override my body and allow me to sleep peacefully.  I've been sleeping like a baby ever since.  He continued to give me peace while I waited and I began to feel like He was literally holding me in the palm of His hands.  I can't even begin to tell you what an amazing feeling that was!  Despite all of the information coming across my path and even my little girl asking me out of the blue, "Mommy, what's breast cancer?"  God continued to hold me close while I waited.  For a while, I actually stopped praying and just let God hold me.  Everyone prayed for us.  Our small groups prayed, Jim's co-workers prayed, my family prayed and the handful of friends that knew prayed.  I began to ask & beg God that if it was cancer that would He use it for good in our lives and in others' lives as well.  I asked Him to help me Praise Him no matter what the outcome.  Once again, our worship time at church was absolutely incredible in shoring us up.  The Sunday before the biopsy, I remember sobbing throughout the whole first song and at the end of the song, the worship leader shared how their team was all going through some really tough things but that God was faithful and He is GREATER than all of those situations.  I felt so humbled that God would speak and minister SO clearly to me and that He was greater than my fears and greater than any cancer.
Thursday, October 20, I had the biopsy.  There were 3 masses total that they were going to look at.  One clearly was a cyst and so it was just the other 2.  We continued to pray and asked others to pray for us during that time.  On Tuesday, October 25, at 8:00am on the dot, I got a call from my OB/GYN's office to see if I could come in right away and discuss the results of my biopsy.   I knew that if it had been good news, they would have told me over the phone.  I called Jim & he hurried over to meet us at the OB's office.  Sure enough, the doctor confirmed that I have Ductal Carcinoma....breast cancer.  Now, I had, on the way over felt quite a bit of panic and fear but as I prayed, I was filled w/God's peace.  As I sat there listening to what every woman dreads hearing, I had the most amazing peace you can imagine.  Medicine confirmed what God had already told me.  Jim was in shock at the news.  He really thought that this would be nothing.  I thought differently because of the dream I had, otherwise I would have been in shock too.  On the way to my mommy's group, I was able to Praise God because He is good.  He loved me and He, the God of the universe, took the time to hold me close and reassure me that He is GREATER than the battle that rages for my life.  He prepared me and He would be there to help me through this journey.

So, now we had to let people know.  Jim notified his co-workers, who had been praying for us, as well as our couple's bible study group and the FPU (Financial Peace University - Dave Ramsey) class & it's leaders that I had cancer.  Later that night, his men's group leader would call him to say that he was prompted by some of the other men to call and check in.  (None of them knew the news yet but felt prompted to have the leader call.)  I called my parents and left a couple of messages w/some close friends and then headed over to my mom's group, a little late.  After our large group session, I started chatted w/some of the women and they began asking me when I would hear back.  I shared that I heard that morning.  I remember my sweet friend, Tammy, leaning over me with this expectant smile on her face as she asked, "And?????"  "I have breast cancer."  Oh, the looks on all of their precious faces.  They were not expecting that answer.  So we all talked and eventually the group laid hands on me and prayed for me while I sobbed.  God is SO good.  The support that started pouring in was incredible.  Later, at home, I phoned my sister and then put the announcement up on Facebook.  People began pouring out the their support to Jim, to me, on Facebook, via email, via phone.  It was incredible to see the love poured out on us.  We had experienced that kind of love only one other time and that was when we went to China to adopt our youngest daughter, Jasmine.  Oh, how God used those precious friends then and oh, how He used them that day to encourage us.  To everyone one of you who prayed, emailed, FB'd or hugged us - You were God's arms to us and we will FOREVER be thankful for each and EVERY one of you!  Jim also rec'd an email from the head of our FPU class, Amie, asking if the entire large group (200+ people) at FPU could pray for us that night.  We said yes.  That night, she brought us up there and God's peace continued to hold us as they invited whomever wanted to come up and pray.  People I didn't even know (and still don't) flocked up to lay hands on us and encircle us and the earnest prayers that they prayed on behalf of people they didn't even know was one of the most beautiful things I had ever heard or been a part of.  It was an incredible time of prayer and so humbling to have so much prayer and support from people who didn't know us.  God is SO good!

One thing I want to end with in this first post is how over these past few weeks, God has POURED out His peace, strength and love on us as we have moved through the process of finding doctors, further testing, research, etc.  He has reminded us over and over again that He holds it ALL, including cancer.  There isn't one thing that can be thrown at me that God hasn't already defeated!  He is GREATER than the battle that rages for my life and one way or another, He WILL heal me.  It may not be the way I want Him to heal but I will either end up in the arms of Jesus, completely healed or I will be healed here on earth. 

Psalm 40:1-3 says "I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire.  He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.  He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God.  Many will see what he has done and be amazed.  They will put their trust in the Lord."  May my cancer be something that others will see what GOD (not me) has done and put their trust in Him!