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Wow, I can't believe it's been 1 1/2 months since I last posted!  It has been a rough time but God, as always, is SO faithful and He's gotten me through.  I have written multiple blogs in my head during this time, longing to put into writing what it's like to try and get your body healthy from disease and yet not having the words for how difficult it's been.  I think people have this misconception about me that because I've chosen not to do traditional treatments, that everything must be fine and easy.  I have to say that even I had no idea at how hard this would be going into all of this.  This has proven to be one of the hardest challenges that I have ever had.  My day is spent either making food, praying about food, researching food, eating food, making food for my family or preparing my supplements.  It has been ALL about making this new lifestyle work for me and my family.  But, this is my treatment - turning around the disease in my body via nutrition and supplements and lifestyle. 

I have also had to make additional changes to my diet, as per my doctor.    He put me on an elimination diet almost 2 months ago, to try and see if certain foods were causing inflammation in my body due to an allergic reaction.  (Inflammation, btw, is a big feeder of cancer so it's important to eliminate as many causes of inflammation as possible.)  So, in addition to all of the changes that I had already made (sugar, wheat, dairy & red meat), I had to eliminate soy, corn, tomatoes, potatoes, peppers, eggs & citrus!  (Can you feel the pain that this caused?!)  ;-)   These past few weeks have been all about me adjusting to this change and trying to adjust as many of our recipes as possible.  Tomatoes, in particular, have been a staple of our diets because of their cancer-fighting capabilities.  I LOVE salsa and I make an incredible (homemade) tomato sauce as well as use them as a base in my soups.  Giving up tomatoes was actually harder than giving up sugar.  I also use a lot of citrus in my cooking and for salad dressings so that was also brutal.  All in all, it didn't leave me with a lot of food choices (at least not in a cold weather climate where fresh foods really are seasonal in their availability).  Thankfully, with a lot of prayer and research, I've started to come up with some different ideas and new recipes.  I have learned, as of today, that I am allergic to tomatoes and corn, so many of my ideas will have to become permanent as I can't afford to have allergic reactions cause the cancer to come back.

These past weeks have also been a time of deep wrestling over living in God's presence, one day at a time, and laying down my fears of death at His feet.  It's really easy to just get into all of the minutiae of life and forget that we are ALL mortal.  But when you deal with a life-threatening illness, all of that comes home pretty quickly.  Initially, I felt an incredible amount of peace that if God intended to heal me via bringing me home to heaven, that would be fine with me.  It's still fine with me.  As my pastor says, Heaven is not a consolation prize.  How amazing to be with Jesus!  But over the past few months as we've been praying about moving to Austin and continuing to feel God's confirmation, I've struggled with the dreams I have for us in Austin and whether or not God has completely healed my body.  I truly felt haunted by my surgeon trying to manipulate me into treatments that were not good for my body, saying "You're going to die."  Granted, none of that was done out of his concern for me.  All of it was said to intimidate me into doing what he wanted so he could profit from it.  (Traditional cancer treatments are BIG money.)  Quite frankly, it was evil, what he said.  Only God knows when our time to go is.  If God intends me to be healed then I will be.  Period.  And if it's my time, then nothing I do will change that.  But being personally at peace with that, is a different story, that each of us must wrestle to the ground at some point.  These past 2 weeks have been much more peaceful for me as God has brought some wise people into my life to help me put some of these fears into perspective.  Ultimately the enemy is all about destroying ANYTHING good that God desires to give us and he (little "h") has been all over that with me in the past few months, using the surgeon's awful words like a constant echo in my thoughts.  he has sought to steal my joy and tried to get me focused on death rather than living the life that God has given me.  Thankfully these wise people have pointed this out and reminded me that I am in a spiritual battle with an enemy who does NOT fight fair.  he doesn't care that I'm fighting disease and cancer, he only seeks to take advantage and knock me out of the fight.  Thank God for this Easter weekend to remind us that satan himself has been FOREVER defeated and his time is coming!  Oh, and by the way, satan, I'm on the winning team....FOREVER!

This really seemed like such a crazy thing to do but our family really felt led to be a part of the Thorn this year, in the midst of all of this struggle and discouragement.  The Thorn is a massive production that our church does every year around the Easter time frame.  It's a massive musical, theatrical, dance, pyrotechnic story about the life, death and resurrection of Jesus.  This is the first year that they decided to hold it at a local concert venue called the World Arena.  There are literally hundreds of people involved in this and not only do people come from all over to see it but they've also started traveling with the show to other states and cities to do this.  We decided, and the girls agreed, to do this as a family and be a part of the general cast.  Lily asked if she could try out for a part and ended up getting a little part as a "circle girl" or one of 4 little girls that do a ring-around-the-rosie with Jesus during a Palm Sunday scene.  I knew that this would be powerful for our family and I'm so thankful that we all decided to do it together (yup, even Jim).   We had about 6 weeks of rehearsals and then a total of 4 performances in Colorado Springs that we were a part of.  The coolest thing about doing this for me (besides being able to do this with my husband and children) was watching the scenes with the "supernaturals" as they were called.  The supernaturals were dancers & martial artists who were either good angels or demons, warrior angels or warrior demons and the angel of God and satan.   The Thorn has a number of scenes depicting the spiritual warfare that may have (and probably did) go on behind the scenes - satan tempting Adam and Eve, satan trying to kill baby Jesus, satan and his demons tempting Judas, satan and his demons trying to attack Jesus while He's praying at the Garden of Gethsemane, etc.  I never thought about what kind of taunting that Jesus must have endured from satan himself leading up to and while on the cross.....in addition to the physical torture and then God turning His back on His own son.  I can't comprehend why He would do that for us and yet I know that it's because of His great love for us.  All of it because He wanted a relationship with us and He didn't want us to be forever separated from Him.  What does this have to do with my struggles of the last few months, you might ask?  EVERYTHING!  Because of Him, Jesus, my life can NEVER be taken away.  I will either live here on earth or be with Him forever in heaven and my eternity can NEVER be taken away.  Not by satan.  Not by cancer.  "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,  because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him."  James 1:2-4,12

Praise be to God who loved us first and showed us what love looks like....Jesus, on a cross, beaten and bloodied so that we didn't have to be.  May each of you experience His Love this Easter weekend!

He is with me

Sometimes I wish that every day was Sunday and that every day I could have that same experience that I have in church....the one of being in God's presence where every single worry, fear, anxious thought and frustration is wiped away.  I am completely at peace and not distracted and I'm reminded for about 1+ hours of who God is, how big He is and that I don't need to worry about anything because He is with me.  But I suppose that would be the spiritual equivalent of living in a bubble, never having an opportunity for those weaknesses and struggles to become strengths and triumphs and character to deepen and grow.  Oh how I LONG to be in a place of experiencing His Presence again, the way I did while I was waiting to hear about my diagnosis and even for a time after.  How I LONG for Heaven!  No more tears or fears, no more supplements, no strict/rigid diets, no disappearing friends.  Just His constant presence.

I don't know how it happened but somewhere in the midst of doing all of the "tasks" of research and purging my house, changing my diet, preparing for surgery, etc., the "feeling" went away.  I know that it's not Him who went away, it was me, spinning and spitting as I went into default mode.  The trouble, with default mode, is that you get things done without engaging your mind or your intentions.  I have no doubt that God is allowing all of these things to come to the surface.  He wants me to really learn about trusting that He is with me ALWAYS.  He wants me to seek His Presence in my every day life and He wants me to really KNOW that it's okay to be weak because He is strong.  I don't have to be strong all of the time because He will take care of me and when I need to be strong, He wants it to be with His strength, not mine.  Problem is, I don't want to learn these things....not really.  I don't want to go through more growing pains.   But everything on my plate right now is completely and totally overwhelming and my strength is not yet back.  And I'm so tired.  I'm tired of the number of supplements I need to take 3 times a day and I'm tired of coming up w/fresh recipes that we can all eat.  I'm already tired, and it's only been 1 week, of the new elimination diet my Dr. wants me to go on for the next 30 to 90 days (so that's MORE foods to eliminate and less to work with).  And I'm tired of being tired but feeling like I HAVE to have energy.  Of feeling discouraged but feeling like I HAVE to be positive all the time.  Of feeling alone but feeling like I HAVE to have faith.  Of feeling weak but feeling like I HAVE to be strong.  Thank God that He loves me and that even though I can't feel it right now, He is holding me in the palm of His hand.

Rather than continuing to go on and try and find some nice, neat little bow to tie this all in, I'm just going to leave you with my devotional from today.  "I AM WITH YOU AND FOR YOU.  You face nothing alone - nothing!  When you feel anxious, know that you are focusing on the visible world and leaving Me out of the picture.  The remedy is simple: Fix your eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen.  Verbalize your trust in Me, the Living One who sees you always.  I will get you safely through this day and all your days.  But you can find Me only in the present.  Each day is a precious gift from My Father.  How ridiculous to grasp for future gifts when today's is set before you!  Receive today's gift gratefully, unwrapping it tenderly and delving into its depths.  As you savor this gift, you find Me." (Jesus Calling)

Scott Hamilton - I Am Second

Scott Hamilton - I Am Second

In light of my post earlier today, I had to share this.  SO powerful!

Weakness

It's been a while since I've last updated so before I get into something I'm learning, I wanted to update you all on what's been going on in my life over the last month.  In addition to switching my family over to organic foods, and keeping up w/all of the vitamins and supplements, I've been switching out all of my household and personal products.  I have been absolutely amazed at how much of my home environment has been rich with cancer causing chemicals.  And I'm talking about nice Bath and body products and Victoria Secret products and some expensive shampoos and conditioners!  I have thrown out about 5+ boxes worth of products that have things like anti-freeze in them!  At the beginning of this journey, I really was amazed that I had gotten cancer...now, I'm surprised it didn't show up sooner!  It is unbelievable what these companies put into these products!  I encourage you, if this is something you're interested in, to go to http://www.ewg.org/skindeep/ and/or read the little book called "Shopper's Guide to Healthy Living" by Kathy Loidolt.  Both have been extremely helpful for me in helping to start switching my products from chemicals to natural.  The website will help you look up your products to see how safe they are and if your product isn't listed, you can look up the ingredients.  The book is an easy read and shows you how to step by step start replacing your products.  Both are very helpful if you're interested in a cleaner, less-chemical environment.

I also had my 30 day re-eval with my N.D. (Naturopathic Doc.) and the good news is that EVERYTHING that tested weak before tested strong this time!  Yay God!  It was an affirmation that I'm on the right track.  There were a couple of vitamins that I didn't even need this time, although all of the main ones I'll need to continue for some time, to keep my body headed on the right track.  He even commented that "wow, your body really responds well when it has the right nutrients."  Thank you, God, for that.  While I've been able to feel strong on the inside again, my energy level is still not there yet.  I've had to remind myself that it's only been 2 months since my surgery.  So much intensity and urgency was packed into such a short time frame that it feels like a year ago.  One other praise is that I found an M.D. in the last month who practices functional medicine AND is covered by my insurance company!  Yay God!  Functional medicine basically looks at root causes of disease and is a code word in the medical world for wholistic.  Integrative medicine is another code word for the same thing, in case you're looking for a doctor who actually looks at the root cause instead of treating the symptoms.  Cancer is a symptom that my body has broken down and isn't working properly.  Treating the symptom of cancer isn't going to keep the cancer from coming back but treating the root causes will.  I met with him this past Monday and he is wonderful.  He's also a Christian, which is a bonus for me.  He spent almost 2 hours with me, just talking through symptoms and documenting history.  The bad news is, in addition to my eliminating sugar, dairy, red meat and gluten, I have to (on a trial basis) eliminate corn, plain yogurt, eggs, citrus and nightshades (tomatoes, peppers, eggplant, potatoes).  This past month has been so difficult with making all of the changes that I've already made, combined w/low energy levels, to now add these changes in has been really difficult and led to a very emotionally charged week.  I broke down Tuesday night, just sobbing with Jim that I can't do it all and that I can't keep up.  Thank God for a supportive, loving husband who told me that he has my back and WE'LL get through this together!  I feel so positive about this M.D. that we're going to really get the care that I need but the exhaustion in doing all of these things WHILE doing all of the every day stuff felt so overwhelming to me.  I never had any idea of how HARD it would be to get my body healthy again!  I assumed that because I was feeling better, things would be easy but that has not been the case AT ALL!  And all of this has brought out some issues for me that I really thought I had dealt with and gotten over a long time ago.  That has not turned out to be the case.  That God, what a kidder.  In His infinite wisdom, He is already using this cancer to help me deal with my fear of being "weak" and putting the perfectionism that I had thought was dead and buried, front and center to wrestle with and heal from.  And that brings me to the things I've been learning.

I want to share part of my devotional from a few days ago from Jesus Calling.  She says, "IT'S ALL RIGHT TO BE HUMAN."  At the end, the devotional concludes with "Your weakness and woundedness are the openings through which the Light of the knowledge of My Glory shines forth.  My strength and power show themselves most effective in your weakness."  I have really been wrestling with this over the past month or so.  In fact, part of why I haven't posted is that I've been so worn out from all of the things I'm trying to "do."  Why do I feel it necessary to do all and be all?  Why is being weak (or admitting it) so negative in our culture and why do we expect each other to be strong all of the time when that clearly is NOT what God expects?  We are NOT MEANT TO BE PERFECT here on earth so why do we continually try to be?  I can't help but think that this is part of Satan's little ploy to try and keep us so busy that we have no time for God.  he's (smaller caps intended) always been the counterfeit to the real, one TRUE God so I suppose that the useless and frustrating cycle of trying to be perfect in a fallen world shouldn't be so shockingly unfulfilling and unattainable.  Why do I, knowing all of this, still allow myself to get sucked into this crazy, frustrating cycle of "try harder, do more, fail miserably"?  I think my answer was found in yesterday's devotional (done today because I was so worn out yesterday).  I think I still have this ill-conceived notion that problems need to be solved and we need to have a happy ending.  I just forget that they all WILL be solved and there will be a happy ending but NOT YET.  "GIVE UP THE ILLUSION that you deserve a problem-free life.  Part of you is still hungering for the resolution of all difficulties."  (Isn't that the truth?!)  "This is a false hope!  As I told My disciples, in the world you will have trouble.  Link your hope not to problem solving in this life but to the promise of an eternity of problem-free life in heaven.  Instead of seeking perfection in this fallen world, pour your energy into seeking Me:  the Perfect One.  It is possible to enjoy Me and glorify Me in the midst of adverse circumstances.  In fact, My Light shines most brightly through believers who trust Me in the dark.  That kind of trust is supernatural:  a production of My indwelling Spirit.  When things seem all wrong, trust Me anyway.  I am much less interested in right circumstances than in right responses to whatever comes your way."  (Jesus Calling)

Wow - can you feel the conviction I'm feeling right now?  It all goes back to those little "interruptions" from God, doesn't it?  C.S. Lewis said, "The great thing, if one can, is to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions of one's 'own,' or 'real' life. The truth is, of course, that what one calls the interruptions are precisely one's real life -- the life God is sending one day by day.”  I have been, essentially, fighting the real life that God has sent me and viewed them as interruptions of what I feel I have to do.  No wonder I'm so exhausted and worn out!  Without even realizing it, I've been fighting against what God has sent me instead of rolling with the "real".  

Please pray for me that I'll figure out how to roll with the "real" instead of looking at them as interruptions.  Pray that I'll learn to be at peace with being weak & acknowledging my weaknesses so God can be strong in and through my life.  If you're actually reading this, then you are a part of my journey and I'm so thankful for you.  Thank you for being a part of my journey to healing.

"Overcome" - the turning point

Yahweh, Faithful God

This has been a rough week for us topped off by a sucker punch tonight with a separate situation.  The enemy has been hard at work on our family, attacking every front.  The temptation has been to give into bitterness and anger and frustration but God reminded me again that He is SO FAITHFUL.  He prompted me, after a ton of prayer, to go back to my notes from Sunday's incredible time of worship.  We had 2 of the most incredible harvest moons on Friday and Saturday night.  I remember being struck by the beauty and the steadiness of those moons shining into the darkness and wondering if all of the busy people racing around noticed that, even through the moon, God is trying to get our attention.  That all of creation is CRYING out to us that God is here, He is steady, He is magnificent, He is majestic and that He loves us with an everlasting love!  Do you know that He is WAITING for you to come to Him, to cast your cares upon Him and let Him carry you through whatever storm you're going through?!  He WILL be your defender.  He WILL be your provider.  He WILL be your healer.  He holds it ALL in His hands....every last teeny, tiny detail.

This past week our church celebrated how God brought us through one of the darkest days that no church should ever go through.  A gunman entered our campus, shot multiple people, including a father and 2 young girls from one family.  Both girls died.  Our church never thought that they would survive that as 13 months prior their lead pastor was involved in a scandal.  How does a church survive not one but TWO devastating losses in such a short time?  Jim and I were at a different church at that time but unbeknownst to us, God had begun to knit our hearts w/this church.  After the scandal broke, one of the worship leaders, in a time of grief, wrote one of the most incredible songs I've ever heard, called "Overcome."  The lyrics go like this:
"Seated above, enthroned in the Father's love
Destined to die, poured out for all mankind
God's only son perfect and spotless one
He never sinned but suffered as if He did

All authority, every victory is Yours
All authority, every victory is Yours

Savior, worthy of honor and glory
Worthy of all our praise, You overcame
Jesus, awesome in power forever
Awesome and great is Your name, You overcame

Power in hand
Speaking the Father's plan
You're sending us out
Light in this broken land

We will overcome
By the blood of the Lamb
And the word of our testimony
Everyone overcome"

After the shootings, this song became the turning point for this church and they CLUNG to the promises that God gave them.  He WAS and IS faithful and our church is healed and thriving....yes, thriving!  All because God is FAITHFUL!!!

I never knew the story behind that song until later but it became an anthem for me personally not only for each trial that we began to face but the ones in the past.  When we were exhausted from trying to get our house ready to sell, while it took seemingly forever to sell, when we were exhausted from moving and no one came to help, when our church went through a horrific scandal, while we were healing from lies & betrayals, when we got our match from China and wondered how would we complete it....oh the list went on and on.  And after God joined our hearts w/our new church, how He would bring this song over and over again to let us know that we WOULD overcome because He had brought our new church through horrific events.  If He could do that, He could accomplish anything.

There's something about having suffered loss and betrayals and having God bring good out of it and to be with others who have suffered and triumphed....it's the most incredible type of worship for God that you can ever imagine!  Sunday as we sang "Overcome", I was overcome by the incredible depth of God's faithfulness in our church and in our family.  I sobbed tears of joy as I sang, so incredibly thankful to be one of God's children and SO thankful that He has helped us overcome so much! 

This may have been a rough night and rough week but God is faithful!  He will be our defender, provider and our healer.  So as I see it, "What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?  He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?  Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies.  Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.  Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?  As it is written:
   “For your sake we face death all day long;
   we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”
  No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." (Romans 8:31-37)

Here was my devotional today.  "REST IN ME, MY CHILD, forgetting about the worries of the world.  Focus on Me - Emmanuel - and let My living Presence envelop you in Peace.  Tune in to My eternal security, for I am the same yesterday, today, and forever.  If you live on the surface of life by focusing on ever-changing phenomena, you will find yourself echoing the words of Solomon:  "Meaningless!  Meaningless!  Everything is meaningless!" Living in collaboration with Me is the way to instill meaning into your days.  Begin each day alone with Me, so that you can experience the reality of My Presence.  As you spend time with Me, the way before you opens up step by step.  Arise from the stillness of our communion, and gradually begin your journey through the day.  Hold My hand in deliberate dependence on Me, and I will smooth out the path before you."  (Jesus Calling)

God is no different today than He was before time began.  He loves me and He loves you and He is faithful.  I know who holds me.  Who's holding you?

Life out on a limb

Gosh, I love God's timing!  I've read my devotional a few times today just chuckling to myself and wondering how He does it.  How does He ALWAYS know just what we need when we need it?!  Well, yes, He is THE God of the universe so I suppose that makes sense but just think about the details.  How, with billions of people on the planet, does He inspire someone to write something that hits someone else PERFECTLY on the day or days they happen to read it?  And that's just me...what about all of the other people that read this book on perfect days and times specific to them?  How DOES He do it?

Well, here's today's devotional and tell me how perfect this is, "BE WILLING to go out on a limb with Me.  If that is where I am leading you, it is the safest place to be.  Your desire to live a risk-free life is a form of unbelief.  Your longing to live close to Me is at odds with your attempts to minimize risk.  You are approaching a crossroads in your journey.  In order to follow Me wholeheartedly, you must relinquish your tendency to play it safe.  Let Me lead you step by step through this day.  If your primary focus is on Me, you can walk along perilous paths without being afraid.  Eventually, you will learn to relax and enjoy the adventure of our journey together.  As long as you stay close to Me, My sovereign presence protects you wherever you go."  (Jesus Calling)  I KNOW!!!!  As I've been getting closer to this appt. w/Dr. Frahm, I've been starting to feel like we're at a new crossroads.  I can turn back to the conventional or I need to really move forward w/the alternative treatments.  Or at a deeper level, will I follow God out on what feels like a very precarious little limb and go against conventional medicine or do I disobey and stick w/what feels safer but maybe really isn't because God isn't in it (in my case)?  I think we'll be sticking with where God wants us.  We might be hanging on for dear life, but I'd much rather be right in the middle of His will for me than anywhere else.

Today was another busy day.  We had Jasmine's IEP meeting for preschool today, which I had to leave early to head over to my appt. Dr. Frahm.  So his role will be this, to get my body back into balance so that it can do what it was meant to do.  If we don't correct why I got cancer, then it will come back no matter what I do.  So he tested a number of areas and recommended quite a few supplements for the next 30 days.  We'll meet back up after that and he'll retest and see where I'm at.  Not surprisingly my liver, colon, thyroid, stomach, ovaries and my adrenals were all pretty out of wack (I'm sure it's a medical term).  Step 1.  I'm continuing to pray for an MD or DO who can do bloodwork and monitor my tumor markers.

Thank you all for your continued encouragement and prayers on our behalf.  Praise God for His Presence and His interruptions that lead us through the most amazing adventures.

Narrowed perceptions

Oh, had I only gotten in my quiet time yesterday!  Perhaps then I wouldn't have felt so discouraged as I did, focusing on the small things instead of focusing on the largeness and hugeness (yup, they're words now) of God.  "I AM WITH YOU IN ALL THAT YOU DO, even in the most menial task.  I am always aware of you, concerned with every detail of your life.  Nothing escapes My notice - not even the number of hairs on your head.  However, your awareness of My Presence falters and flickers; as a result, your life experience feels fragmented.  When your focus is broad enough to include Me in your thoughts, you feel safe and complete.  When your perception narrows so that problems or details fill your consciousness, you feel empty and incomplete.  Learn to look steadily at Me in all your moments and all your circumstances.  Though the world is unstable and in flux, you can experience continuity through your uninterrupted awareness of My Presence.  Fix your gaze on what is unseen, even as the visible world parades before your eyes."  (Jesus Calling)

I forgot yesterday that God is in and loves the tiniest details of our lives...that includes how I'm going to get things done, cooking, cleaning, saving for a blender, etc.  When I cried out to Him yesterday, He totally came through.  I was able to get some organic gf pumpkin flaxseed pancakes made for the next few days as well as a huge bowl of organic salad, as well as several smoothies.  Then I got to work on my laundry as well as do some de-cluttering of my kitchen, cleaned 1 of the bathrooms, in between which I shuttled Lily back and forth to school and did a couple errands.  Last night after some yummy organic fish taco leftovers, after baths and the girls went to bed, we mostly finished our Christmas decorating.  God sure does have unendless energy, doesn't He?!  He comes through when we call.  I loved it when my devotional said, "I AM WITH YOU IN ALL THAT YOU DO, even in the most menial task."  That was so true yesterday.  God is so good!

The latest update with my search for the right person or people is that I'm meeting with a Dr. Frahm tomorrow morning.  He's written a number of books (2 of which I've been reading) and recently came out w/a book called "The Breast Cancer Pattern."  He's local, a naturopathic doctor as well as master herbalist and He's a christian to boot!  Please pray for wisdom and discernment as I meet w/him tomorrow.  His specialty is working w/cancer patients so even though insurance doesn't cover him, he may be exactly what we're looking and praying for....someone with a plan! 

And, for those of you praying for me yesterday, thank you so much!  Not only did your prayers make a difference but they really helped get me through a tough day.  AND I even sold 1 of my craigslist items!  Yay God! 

For those of you looking for a way to help us, now is the time!  My journey is not over yet, even though I've chosen not to do chemo or radiation.  My body is still healing from surgery and so my strength varies from day to day, especially considering the added stress I'm dealing with.  We could use help w/meals, cleaning, or even childcare for a date night here and there.  There is a link to the left of this blog to a meal site - you can get further instructions/information there.  Enter "Young" and the password "8788" and it should pop you to our info.  Thank you so much for walking through this journey with us!

Rough days

Well, we sure would appreciate your prayers for our family.  We've had a few rough days, a lot due to our kiddos majorly acting out, Jim working long hours and a whole lot of spiritual attack.  We could really use your prayers for us right now.  Being home is nice but incredibly stressful for me, especially w/Jim working late almost every night.  Meals, shopping, kids, cleaning, dogs, appointments, etc. all fall on my shoulders.  And because Jim works late all the time, our only family time is now on the weekends and because I usually like to try and do my bulk cooking on the weekend, we're either feeling more frantic or I'm not getting my cooking done.  You see the cycle.  And that's not even dealing w/the constant frustration w/the girls acting out.  This week I've really felt everything hit me and I've been so exhausted.  On top of all of this, I've been trying to continue my research and hunt down the right person or persons to help get me through the next step.  I'm completely overwhelmed right now.  The good news is when I'm weak, God is strong.  (He must be REALLY strong right now!)

My other prayer request is for financial provision.  I'm trying to sell some things on craigslist.com to help me buy a better blender so that I can do more juicing but so far no luck.  Please pray that my items will sell soon, that Jim will find some freelance work or his work will finally give him a much needed raise so that we can afford to buy some of these things that I need going forward.  Pray also for Jim as he's a lot of ongoing stress at work and there doesn't seem to be any end in sight.  Pray for strength and protection during this season.

It's funny how when you're feeling down and overwhelmed, how everything hits you all at once.  A lovely little strategic move by our enemy, no doubt.  He never does fight fair, does he?  He loves to kick us when we're down.  BUT.....I am the child of the Almighty God and He has already defeated this enemy once and for all on the cross and He NEVER fails to provide for His children.  Thank God, even when things feel tough and impossible, that God is the God of all things possible!  There is no obstacle that is too big for Him to overcome and no problem that doesn't already have it's solution.  Thank you in advance for your prayers.

Our decision

"I AM THE PRINCE OF PEACE.  As I said to My disciples, I say also to you:  Peace be with you.  Since I am your constant Companion, My Peace is steadfastly with you.  When you keep your focus on Me, you experience both My Presence and My Peace.  Worship Me as King of Kings, Lord of lords, and Prince of Peace.  You need My Peace each moment to accomplish My purposes in your life.  Sometimes you are tempted to take shortcuts, in order to reach your goal as quickly as possible.  But if the shortcut requires turning your back on My Peaceful Presence, you must choose the longer route.  Walk with Me along paths of Peace; enjoy the journey in My Presence." (Jesus Calling)

I can't tell you how opportune it was to have this devotional on this day...the day we made our decision on my treatment plan.  I can't even begin to tell you how many hours upon hours upon hours of research that I have done leading up to this day.  You've seen the book list (plus 4-5 more that aren't even listed), but the hours of internet research, the variety of people that I've talked with, prayed with....this has not been an easy decision.  But ultimately, it all boiled down to where the peace was and the peace was NOT with chemo and radiation.  The peace was with the things that God began laying on my heart and path while I was waiting to find out if I had cancer.  And the peace lay in seeking HIS Presence and His plan for me.  We did notify CTCA today and they will not be managing or monitoring me going forward since I am not doing any further traditional treatments.

"Well, if it's not chemo or radiation, what is the plan?," you may ask.  Great question!  That will be the next step and we'd appreciate your prayers for us in this for God to line up the right people for this step.  What I am NOT going to do is just go about my life as if this never happened.  There was a reason that my body didn't and couldn't fight off the cancer cells and if I don't work on figuring that piece out and correcting it, I will probably have cancer again.  When I was diagnosed, the first piece I changed was my diet.  I don't eat a lot of processed food because I'm allergic to wheat and most processed food has wheat in it.  But I still had some things to clean up so I immediately started eating organic, whole fruits, vegetables & grains and went hormone-free w/my meats.  I completely eliminated sugar from my diet as cancer feeds off of sugar.  I've been incorporating all sorts of herbs and spices into the meals that I cook and every ingredient has a purpose - to fight inflammation (which feeds cancer) and to fight the cancer itself.  I've recently begun switching out all of the household chemicals with natural products like baking soda and vinegar to clean my house.  I've continued w/my workout program and will amp things back up in January when I've been cleared to go back to hard workouts (post surgery instructions).  I'm saving to buy a really good blender so that I can begin juicing in earnest.  But I'm not going to stop there either.  Now I'm praying for God to bring the right professionals (i.e. nutritionist, metabolic physician and/or naturopathic doctor) who will help evaluate the imbalances in my body and help me address those needs via nutrition and/or supplements so that my body becomes a powerful cancer fighting machine.  I still want a treatment plan, a step-by-step plan, but one that is natural that will help build my body back up instead of tear it down.  I'm very blessed that I have a wonderful, holistic chiropractor that I have been seeing for several years and she will be playing an integral part in my treatment plan.  But I need all of these other elements to come together and we desperately need God to provide financially as most alternatives aren't covered by insurance.  But, I'm thinking that since God laid these things on my heart even before I knew, that He already has a plan!  Thank God that we don't have to worry over this because He has a plan!

We have had people still ask if there's a way that they can help or bring a meal.  Yes!  Please pray with us and feel free to click on the link to the left to sign up for a meal.  If cooking an organic meal is intimidating, feel free to check out the meal site for other ideas as to how to come alongside of us. 

It also occurred to me that I haven't really shared how I am doing and feeling since my surgery.  Everything is going amazingly well.  Having 1+ months of eating organic in conjuction with having the cancer out of my body has done wonders and I'm starting to get my strength back very quickly.  I find that I'm having more and more energy and I feel strong.  I'm still having to be careful w/heavy lifting and tight hugs on my right side but the pain has been very minimal and completely manageable.  For those of you going through surgery, I HIGHLY recommend ice on the wound area!  CTCA was amazed at how little swelling I had 1 week post surgery and I think it was because of ice several times a day.

Well, thank you all so much for walking through this with us and thank you in advance for praying for wisdom and the right people for this next step.  God is so good and because He holds it all, none of these steps are too big for Him.

Pathology is in!

"PROBLEMS ARE PART OF LIFE.  They are inescapable: woven into the very fabric of this fallen world.  You tend to go into problem-solving mode all too readily, acting as if you have the capacity to fix everything.  This is a habitual response, so automatic that it bypasses your conscious thinking.  Not only does this habit frustrate you, it also distances you from Me.  Do not let fixing things be your top priority.  You are ever so limited in your capacity to correct all that is wrong in the world around you.  Don't weigh yourself down with responsibilities that are not your own.  Instead, make your relationship with Me your primary concern.  Talk with Me about whatever is on your mind, seeking My perspective on the situation.  Rather than trying to fix everything that comes to your attention, ask Me to show you what is truly important.  Remember that you are en route to heaven, and let your problems fade in the Light of eternity."  (Jesus Calling)

Yesterday was my marathon day.  I got up at 4am to go head to the airport and fly to AZ for my appointments at CTCA.  Yesterday was to be the day that they checked my incision, gave me the pathology results and my treatment plan, meet with my oncology "team" for all of their recommendations and then I was to fly home.  My time at CTCA was pretty much an exercise in frustration as they forgot to schedule someone from surgery to take a look at my incision (which, thankfully, they were able to rectify) and I never got to meet at all with the dietician and barely got time w/the naturopathic doctor.  But the good news in the midst of all of the frustration is that they got clean margins on my tumor (meaning they got it all) and there is no cancer in my lymph nodes!!  Yay God!  My tumor was about 2.5 cm, which was about what they thought and that puts me in a stage IIa by 1/2 cm.  :-)

The problems for me yesterday were, in part, disorganization related (especially because I had flown into town just for this) but in larger part, they had to do with the proposed treatment plan.  Let me preface this by saying that, at least with cancer, the journey (especially the treatment) is a very personal one.  When someone is diagnosed, each person must research and decide and pray for themselves what they feel God is leading them to.  I know some wonderful, godly people who have felt led down a more "traditional" path and that is good, because they followed what the Lord led THEM to do.  For me, I have felt strongly that God laid a path for me before I even knew I had cancer.  Our problem has come from the fact that it goes against the traditional medical establishment but is very much in line with some amazing genius doctors who have been curing cancer using alternative methods (NOT fringe quacks).   The proposed treatment plan for me is chemo once every 2-3 weeks for a max. of 4 months and then a few weeks of radiation.  For some this may be a no-brainer but since we've felt like God has given me a different path, we've really been wrestling (and researching...Hello, book list!) over what other traditional treatments besides surgery would we do.  The irony once again is how God has given me answers before I even ask them.  He reminded me that morning before I left, in my devotional, to bring everything to Him and let Him show me.  So that is what we are doing.  Please pray for us as we bring this treatment plan to Him and ask for His wisdom and clear direction in what my next step is.  CTCA has given me a lot of mixed messages as to whether or not they will continue to treat me if I don't do EVERYTHING that is suggested so we will cross that bridge when we come to it.  The step in front of us is to determine what God's plan is for me next.

Praise God that He holds it ALL, including the plan!  We continue to praise God for His healing power on my life and cancer and for each of you who has chosen to walk through this with us.  We are so thankful that we don't have to walk this alone.  We love you.

Moms and beyond

Had an incredible day at Moms and Beyond!  I love it when God gives you a theme and then continues the theme through different venues!  Today's group was about Counting gifts and trying to savor the here and now.  What really resonated with me was excerpts from a book that was shared called "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp.  She was challenged by a friend to try and count 1000 blessings and decided to journal that experience which turned out to be life changing and turned into this book.  You can read more about that in her blog at www.aholyexperience.com  At any rate, in one of the chapters she shares about how in the midst of doing laundry and doing some photography, her 5 year old asked to be able to take some pictures with her camera.  She decided to let her and began to be drawn into this amazing experience w/her little girl at the end of which they shared some precious snuggling & tickling time.  And I was reminded again of God's interruptions and how if she had done what I do all the time and put off her child, she would have missed this precious interruption.  I was again reminded that God wants to interrupt not just my life but my day to day and who knows what kinds of precious and amazing adventures I will have with Him if I am but flexible?!  I thought back to the last few days that have been hard because the girls have been acting out but as a result we've also had some really amazing little conversations.  What if even bad behavior can be an interruption from God, an opportunity for a precious teaching moment with one of my girls?  Oh, how I long to have more of these interruptions from God!  I want the twists and the turns and the adventures!  Imagine how rich life would become if we could be open enough to allow these interruptions and have our tired, boring days turned into vibrant, surprising adventures!  Then we'd truly be able to not only count the blessings and gifts in our lives, we'd be able to treasure them.

Sunday

Gosh, I LOVE Sundays and I LOVE our church!  Everytime we go, God ministers to our hearts and/or speaks to us in some way, shape or form.  Yesterday was no exception.  Jim and I both love how God is in the tiniest of details and we both smiled at each other as "Counting on God" was our first worship song and went right into "Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord."  And then into the song called "Forever Reign" by Hillsong.  One of my favorite parts of that song are these lyrics, "You are here, You are here.  In Your Presence, I'm made whole.  You are God, You are God.  Of all else, I'm letting go."  And then another song called "I will exalt you."  It says "My hiding place, My safe refuge.  My treasure, Lord, you are.  My friend and King, Anointed One, Most Holy."  And then into "I am free."  Aaaahhhh, my soul feels refreshed just remembering.  It was such a beautiful, joyful and powerful time of worship that I wish you all could have been there with us.  We've both been wrestling back and forth wondering about this treatment plan, how will we handle it if they propose something that we don't feel comfortable with, etc.  And once again, God reminds us to count on Him and that our strength will rise as we wait on Him and how in His presence I am made whole and because of that I can let go of everything and hold on to Him.  I can hold onto Him because He is my hiding place and a safe refuge for me...a treasure.  And because of that I am free to run, to dance, to live for Him.  Can you see how it felt like this was just for us?!  God is SO good!

The message was by one of the former staff members who had recently left to plant a church in Fort Collins.  He shared about his process of God leading them to Fort Collins and about how their family really wrestled with hearing God.  It reminded both of us of recently praying leading up to the summer about moving to Austin as well as the journey we're currently in with my cancer.  He shared how God only gave them 1 step at a time.  They could clearly see the step they were on and the next step but everything after that was a fog but how God wanted them to depend on Him.  He talked about how sometimes God does do the dramatic but often it's the quiet whispers that require us to lean in to Him to hear them.  And how life is full of "interruptions."  He spoke about how they were almost in a sweet spot in their lives and along came this "interruption".  And then He quoted C.S. Lewis, “The great thing, if one can, is to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions of one's 'own,' or 'real' life. The truth is of course that what one calls the interruptions are precisely one's real life -- the life God is sending one day by day.”  Then the thought occurred to me..What if life isn't about our plans but God's interruptions?  What if "our plans" are the filler and the interruptions are our real lives?!  I have to say that I've always called these interruptions "new normal."  Married later in life, infertility, adoptive family, multi-cultural family, cancer - these are just a few of our "new normals."  At the time, these were interruptions but perhaps God had intended all of these all along.  Perhaps this is part of the adventure if we are open enough.  So often we wish God would give us some kind of obvious sign or roadmap to help us get through but Aaron pointed out that God "doesn't want to give us just a guidebook, He wants to be our guide."  Oh yeah, that one hit me too.  And my favorite part?  He said, "There isn't an absence of fear in the storm, there's a confidence in the Presence of Jesus."  Amen to that!  It was such an amazing time of God pouring into us and reminding us once again that He holds it all.  He holds this cancer, He holds the solutions, He holds the encouragement before we know we need it and He holds us.

Black Friday

Well, it sure does feel good to be home finally!  We did NOT join the craziness on black Friday and slept in until 7 am instead.  Yesterday was a different kind of black friday for our family.  We really had a rough day as a family.  Our girls are both upset with us for being gone and have started to act out since we've been back.  Yesterday was one of those challenging days of trying to help them heal and grieve and forgive us for having to be gone.  I don't know if this is a normal thing for all families but it is definitely normal for ours because of some of the abandonment our girls experienced before they came to us.  Jim and I both had a few moments yesterday of having to take deep breaths and try and really stretch our already thin patience level.

It was a rough day for Jim also in that he had a rough night the night before, wondering and worrying about what kind of treatment plan will they recommend for me and how will we manage it if I need to be in AZ for several weeks, what if they recommend something that we don't want to do, etc.  I just don't think it's even humanly possible to go through things like this without struggling w/worry and fear and without having to fight for peace.  I have a hard time, being a people-pleaser at heart, knowing that my cancer causes my girls and my family to worry.  To top it off, I'm having to accept help to get through this, which is very humbling, not just because I need the help but because people actually WANT to help.  That's a very new experience for us as well.  God has us in a MAJOR learning curve right now.  I'm so far out of my comfort zone, I don't even know where it is anymore.  The one thing we do know, though, is that God is faithful and He will walk us through this one step at a time.  Jim and I are both planners in different ways and we are both being FORCED to walk this step by step by step.  I KNEW something big was coming but I had no idea that this would be it.

In addition to getting caught up on some errands, I started cleaning out my cabinets in my kitchen.  I threw away old spices, cleaned out the remainder of any foods that do not fight cancer, cleaned cabinets and drawers and got started on cooking some food for the upcoming week.  It felt SO good to get more organized!  Today we're going to continue to do some cooking and cleaning and then put up our Christmas decorations w/the girls.  Over the next few days, I'm looking to replacing our cleaning supplies w/more natural solutions and getting these dangerous chemicals out of my kitchen and getting us back into our old routines.  If any of you are looking for good resources for organic cooking and cancer prevention, take a look at my book list to the right of the blog.  God has put a bunch of awesome resources across our path along these lines and I highly recommend all of these books.

This coming Wednesday, I fly back to AZ to have my incisions checked and meet with my oncology team to get my treatment plan and then fly back home for dinner.  Please continue to pray that God would turn my cancer benign and that there isn't any cancer in my lymph nodes.  Pray that we will have wisdom as we have to submit our insurance paperwork for this next year (due on Wed.) and need to make some decisions about flex plans, etc. without knowing what my treatment plan will be.  Pray that we will continue to grow in our faith and trust God with ALL of the details.  Pray for continued healing and recovery from the surgery.  we love you guys and are so thankful for you and your desire to walk this cancer journey with us.  May God richly bless each and every one of you and fill you with His presence and peace!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Yay God, we are home and have so much that we are thankful for!  We arrived safely last night and got to love on our girls before their bedtime.  Today has been a pretty mellow day overall although we did get to go hang w/my sister & her family and my parents.  We are so incredibly thankful for all that God has brought us through and so thankful to be home!  We are thankful for all of you who have been encouraging us and lifting us up in prayer.  May each of you experience the most amazing blessings upon your families.  Happy Thanksgiving!

Surgery evening

God is SO good!  This afternoon and evening has gone really well!  We've taken a few very short walks today and I had a wonderful organic chicken dinner w/basmati rice and veggies with no problems.  I was also allowed to take a shower tonight (they NEVER let you do that) so it felt awesome to wash off the antiseptic that I was painted with as well as all of the sticky residue from monitoring equipment, tape, etc.  But the best part is it's 10pm and I have hardly any pain!  I haven't taken any pain pills yet (most of the narcotic types make me sick, sick, sick so I've held off) and I'm thrilled to think that I might not have to!  We'll see how tomorrow goes as the day after and 2 days after surgery are usually the hardest, pain-wise.  But I really shouldn't be surprised as I specifically prayed for minimal pain and God always gets us through!  Yay God!  I am just so thankful that He got me through the rough night last night and then this morning!  I was really ragged emotionally but God totally held me.  He didn't choose to take away the emotions but He carried me through the pain of them.  God is SO good!

So, we will be off to bed tonight and then tomorrow we'll be off to the airport around 11am.  The scheduling department made sure to alert our airline that we will need assistance all the way to the gate so we are really hoping for lower stress tomorrow, despite the fact that everyone else will also be traveling.  I'm not allowed to carry anything other than maybe my purse so thankfully, we'll be getting the help we need through the airport.  Please pray for everything to go smoothly and us to get home safely.  Thanks again everyone for all of your encouragement and prayers!  What a HUGE difference they made today and last night.  We love you guys and love that we get to walk this journey with you!  See you tomorrow, Colorado!  :-)

Surgery day

Today was my surgery day and boy am I glad that this part is over!  Yes, I'm actually writing this myself!  I have had 2 (out of 4) very negative surgery experiences where I've experienced waking up in the middle of the surgery, extreme nausea & chills, staff not listening to me, being left alone while freezing cold and trying to wake up and being rushed to get me out well before I was ready.  All (except for the waking up part) I experienced w/my knee surgery back in April and all were deep fears and concerns that I had going into this surgery.  I am DEEPLY thankful that God did not allow any of those to happen today.  The staff was absolutely amazing about making sure that I was warm enough and didn't wake up alone.  The anesthesiologist gave me "less" nausea inducing medicines and anesthesia and really took the time to listen to my fears.  I even got to pray with one of the chaplains' prior to going back and that was really helpful.

So glory and honor to God for really helping me through today!  I am back in our room and out of recovery and doing well with minor pain so far.  The surgeon indicated that everything went well and they were able to get all of the tumor w/clean margins so that is good.  They took my sentinel lymph nodes to biopsy and to see if the cancer has spread.  The sentinel lymph nodes are the first lymph nodes to get the cancer from the tumor IF the cancer spreads so they check those first.  We should have all of that information either by the end of the week or for sure by the time I fly back on 11/30 for my follow up appointment and treatment plan.

Thank you all so much for your prayers!  Today was rough leading up to the surgery so we appreciated and needed every single one!  Tomorrow we fly home so we'd appreciate your prayers that everything goes smoothly and that I'm not too wiped out for the flight.  I'll try and update more tonight but need to get a little rest.  Thank you all SO MUCH!  We love you!

Day 8

Today has been mostly about resting in God's arms and trusting Him to get me through tomorrow.  My devotion this morning was, "THANK ME THROUGHOUT THIS DAY for My Presence and My Peace.  These are gifts of supernatural proportions.  Ever since the resurrection, I have comforted My followers with these Messages: Peace be with you, and I am with you always.  Listen as I offer you My Peace and Presence in full measure.  The best way to receive these glorious gifts is to thank Me for them.  It is impossible to spend too much time thanking and praising Me.  I created you first and foremost to glorify Me.  Thanksgiving and praise put you in proper relationship with Me, opening the way for My riches to flow into you.  As you thank Me for My Presence and Peace, you appropriate My richest gifts."

I just want to go to sleep tonight feeling God's peace and presence and wake up tomorrow the same.  I want to be able to walk into surgery and come out of surgery feeling at peace and feeling His presence.  We've both had a relatively mellow day and yet we're both absolutely exhausted right now.  I feel like we've been fighting all day to try and stay in God's presence, fighting to not jump too far ahead of God.  Funny how sometimes we have to fight for peace.  Fight against the fear and the doubts.  As much as I've felt so thankful in this process, right now I would give just about anything to NOT have cancer or surgery and to have our lives back to the way they were.   I miss my girls, my dogs and my home and I miss our routine.  I'm again reminded of my devotional that God gave to me before I even had an inkling that today would be a rough day.  So despite how I feel right now, I'm going to trust that the peace and presence that I so desperately need are there.  God, thank you that you never with hold your presence from us and that you are ALWAYS with us.

This I Know

Day 7

This morning after breakfast, we decided to try and watch our church's service live online and I'm so glad that we were able to!   They sang one of my favorite songs called "This I Know."   It reminds me that I KNOW that God is a great God and that He is Lord over all things....including my cancer.  It reminds me that He has already brought us through some tough things and given us beauty for our ashes and healing for our broken hearts.  One of the verses shared this morning before the message was Philippians 4:6, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."  She mentioned how she had been convicted of not being thankful for the blessings God had given her and she said, "Even if everything is taken away, Jesus Christ being crucified is enough."  He IS enough and everything in the world combined isn't enough if He isn't part of the equation.  My healing by itself means nothing if I don't have God!  I'm just so thankful that I don't have to go through this without Him and the wonderful friends and family that God has put around us.  God is so good!

Well, only 2 more days until my surgery and 3 until we hopefully leave to head home.  Please continue to pray that everything will go as smoothly as possible so that we are able to travel home on Wednesday.  Continue to pray with me that, if it's God's will, my tumor would turn benign and that there would be no cancer in the lymph nodes.  We will praise God no matter what He chooses to do but I'm also praying for everything to go smoothly w/the anesthesia so that I'm not too sick afterwards.   Thanks so much for praying with us in this!  Please continue to pray for strength for my parents who are taking care of our girls and our girls that everything would continue to go smoothly.  Thank you all for being such prayer warriors!  You are making a difference in our family with your prayers and we so appreciate you.  I'll update more tomorrow but just wanted to share that our God is enough!  All of these details that I ask prayer for...He has already answered.  I DO know that God is a great God.