“The Skin Horse had lived longer in the nursery than any of the others.
He was so old that his brown coat was bald in patches and showed the
seams underneath, and most of the hairs in his tail had been pulled out
to string bead necklaces. He was wise, for he had seen a long succession
of mechanical toys arrive to boast and swagger, and by-and-by break
their mainsprings and pass away, and he knew that they were only toys,
and would never turn into anything else. For nursery magic is very
strange and wonderful, and only those playthings that are old and wise
and experienced like the Skin Horse understand all about it.
"What
is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side
near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it
mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"
"Real
isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that
happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just
to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"
"It
doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes
a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break
easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.
Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved
off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very
shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real
you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
"I
suppose you are real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not
said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin
Horse only smiled.
"The Boy's Uncle made me Real," he said.
"That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can't become
unreal again. It lasts for always.”
―
Margery Williams,
The Velveteen Rabbit
I can't count how many times I have wanted to blog this last year but every single time words failed me. How do you write about a journey you don't understand? What do you write as the journey itself is stripping away every thing, every comfort, every mask you didn't even know you were wearing? I don't think I've ever felt so naked...so completely and utterly vulnerable in my entire life. We started on this journey with so many hopes and dreams and over the last 1 1/2 years, every single one has been shattered and stripped away. Were we wrong to come here? No. Every time we have brought that question to God, He has come back to us with affirmation that He called us here. Have we done something to offend God or make Him angry? No. Every time we've asked that, He's affirmed His deep love for us and our family.
Why, then, when a family has done all it can to obey, do dreams shatter.....unemployment goes on and on until all finances are depleted....despite every possible life change, cancer comes back....the bottom drops out? Was God pulling a bait and switch? It felt like it at times but He reminded us that He SO LOVED the world, that He sent His son for us. Some of this will sound really trite and pithy but it hasn't been that way for us. It's truly been a deep and constant wrestling between TRUTH and what we felt and experienced. When you experience life on the most basic level, without all of the "things" and without your normal comfort zone, it really does come down to will you believe that God loves you when everything is stripped away? Will you really believe Him that He will provide for all of your needs when you've spent your last dime and there's no job or financial relief in sight? Will you still believe that He heals when cancer comes back? And will you still love Him when He allows the trials to continue well beyond anything you think you can handle? Will you love Him if your circumstances never change? There just aren't enough words in the world to describe the anguish that goes on while TRUTH and feelings battle. Some days you're able to rise above and believe God over the overwhelming feelings and other days, the feelings consume you, pulling you into deep despair. After a while, the journey begins to take it's toll and you watch as every hope and dream is shattered into tiny pieces, your heart along with it. Deep grief pours over you as you think of each loss and struggle to make sense of it, desperate for God to break through the darkness. Desperate for some measure of relief.
Eventually some relief came for us. It wasn't all at once and didn't give us that "aaaaahhhhh" moment we were longing for but it did come. But more importantly, God was there with us. He didn't let us go through the horrible darkness alone. He WAS faithful. He DID provide. He HAS healed. He IS enough. It may not have been the way we wanted and dreamed but it was the way He wanted. And just as He didn't withhold even His own son from us, He didn't withhold during this journey either. I think we often feel that if our lives aren't full of happy, then somehow God is withholding from us. I'm starting to wonder if maybe the reverse is true. What if going through deep hardships and journeys are the real treasures in life? If I think about it, my deepest, most amazing encounters with God have come when I have been the most devastated and broken. Miracles haven't come in my life until I was in a desperate place of needing them. We're starting to catch glimpses of the real treasure of this journey. And it has to do with Him stripping away the useless things and comforts to bring us more of Himself. To bring us to a place where we have no choice but to press in to Him in order to survive. To make us more real and connected to Him, without all of the distractions. But, wow, it sure is painful to get to that place.
We have no idea what to expect from 2015. We're hoping and praying for our breakthrough to come on every possible level but also realizing that God may have different plans. "Surrendered" has new meaning for us. I'm so looking forward to closing the chapter on 2014 and yet I don't want to rush past how God has been there for us, tenderly loving us and strengthening us as we faced some of our darkest moments. I'll close this with 2 verses God put across my path today which I want to share as they are perfect for our hopes for this next year.
"This is what the Lord says— he who
made a way through the sea, a path through the mighty waters, “Forget
the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new
thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in
the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.
Isaiah 43:16, 18-19"
"Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:13-14"
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Hell and 2 little gifts...
So this week has been really rough. I mean ROUGH! We have gone from waiting in anticipation to feeling the most discouraged that we have ever felt over the last few days. I've had a few straight days of sobbing late into the night, begging God for relief, begging Him for the open door He promised us, begging to feel His arms wrapped around me and to be able to know without a doubt that I am safe and still loved. Then waking up completely raw with swollen eyes and a broken heart and the day starts and ends as the one the day before. And to top it off, I see my daughter worrying to the point that she's not sleeping and telling me she has tummy aches. This has been so hard on our family....I honestly can't over-exaggerate in my telling of this. We aren't some great family of faith....we are hurting, broken and lonely, desperately needing God to do a miracle in and for our family. If this were the end of the story, we'd all close the book, go into the closet and hang ourselves. How depressing! Well, I may not know what the end of our story is going to look like but I know who has written our story and I HAVE to believe that it's not going to end like this. I HAVE to believe that He's going to come through somehow, even if it's not how I hope or how I thought I heard. Do you know why? Not because of my need to believe but because God made us promises and He has NEVER, EVER broken a promise EVER.....EVER! And when I'm not seeing my faith and circumstances clash, I do know that God loves me and cares about the tiniest details in my life.
Gift #1. Yesterday, after being up late sobbing the night before, I was walking around like a zombie and needless to say had no brain cells left to homeschool. So, after Jim left for his pt Home Depot job, the girls and I decided to walk to the pool instead. It was nice because no one was there so we had the place to ourselves. We had a great time unwinding and swimming when all of the sudden, we noticed the coolest pale blue dragonfly that we had ever seen. He was dipping and diving above the pool and would, here and there, dip low enough to drink off the top of the water and then it was off again. A few minutes later, we saw one that was a sunflower yellow color, doing the same thing. Then a burnt orange colored one. Then a purple one. Then a red one. Then a pair of green ones. Pretty soon we were more enthralled with the rainbow colored parade of dragonflies than we were of swimming. Watching them dart across the water, some w/a double set of wings, dipping and diving, taking little sips and then taking off again. It was so incredibly amazing and special and even in my brain fog, I felt like those dragonflies were meant just for us.
Gift #2. Today, after Jim left for work again, the girls and I walked a short walk to Whole Foods. The nice thing about this rental is it's in a very quiet neighborhood AND it's within walking distance to Whole Foods, Costco, the library and a bunch of other things. Bordering our neighborhood and between us and the shopping center is a narrow wooded area w/lots of trails. We took one of the trails that cut over to Whole Foods and as we were walking, a movement caught my eye and we stopped. Just to our left, not 10 feet away was a doe and her fawn feeding off of the forest foliage (try saying that five times fast)! She watched us while we watched her and the baby and after a few minutes she ushered the fawn off and we completed our journey to Whole Foods, jabbering the whole way about how amazing that was to see them so close to us. We were used to seeing them in Colorado but we've never lost our awe and appreciation for these gentle creatures. All 3 of us marveled at how God brought them just for us to enjoy and appreciate and decided that God had given us two, much needed gifts, when we needed them the most.
I realized tonight that, just like these 2 gifts God gave us, we may not see God do everything we want when we want Him to (or even how we want Him to) but He WILL come through when we need it the most. We'd so appreciate your prayers as we continue in this journey.
Gift #1. Yesterday, after being up late sobbing the night before, I was walking around like a zombie and needless to say had no brain cells left to homeschool. So, after Jim left for his pt Home Depot job, the girls and I decided to walk to the pool instead. It was nice because no one was there so we had the place to ourselves. We had a great time unwinding and swimming when all of the sudden, we noticed the coolest pale blue dragonfly that we had ever seen. He was dipping and diving above the pool and would, here and there, dip low enough to drink off the top of the water and then it was off again. A few minutes later, we saw one that was a sunflower yellow color, doing the same thing. Then a burnt orange colored one. Then a purple one. Then a red one. Then a pair of green ones. Pretty soon we were more enthralled with the rainbow colored parade of dragonflies than we were of swimming. Watching them dart across the water, some w/a double set of wings, dipping and diving, taking little sips and then taking off again. It was so incredibly amazing and special and even in my brain fog, I felt like those dragonflies were meant just for us.
Gift #2. Today, after Jim left for work again, the girls and I walked a short walk to Whole Foods. The nice thing about this rental is it's in a very quiet neighborhood AND it's within walking distance to Whole Foods, Costco, the library and a bunch of other things. Bordering our neighborhood and between us and the shopping center is a narrow wooded area w/lots of trails. We took one of the trails that cut over to Whole Foods and as we were walking, a movement caught my eye and we stopped. Just to our left, not 10 feet away was a doe and her fawn feeding off of the forest foliage (try saying that five times fast)! She watched us while we watched her and the baby and after a few minutes she ushered the fawn off and we completed our journey to Whole Foods, jabbering the whole way about how amazing that was to see them so close to us. We were used to seeing them in Colorado but we've never lost our awe and appreciation for these gentle creatures. All 3 of us marveled at how God brought them just for us to enjoy and appreciate and decided that God had given us two, much needed gifts, when we needed them the most.
I realized tonight that, just like these 2 gifts God gave us, we may not see God do everything we want when we want Him to (or even how we want Him to) but He WILL come through when we need it the most. We'd so appreciate your prayers as we continue in this journey.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Impossible Possible
Well, yesterday we got what felt like a huge punch in the gut and it knocked the wind out of both of us. Right before church no less, which, turned out to be a good thing because we got to go and worship God anyway. We received word that this job we had been praying about had been offered and accepted by another candidate. For me, it was hard to try and praise God even though I was reeling inside. "Why, if God didn't want us to go this route, didn't He just tell us that as we had been seeking Him on this every day/multiple times a day for weeks? Why have us waste our time and energy on this job? Why not just tell us no and that's the end of it? How could we have been so wrong?" These and many other questions were what was going through my head off and on all day yesterday. It wasn't pretty.
But, here's what I do know. I know my God loves me and loves my family. (John 3:16) He has promised to prosper us and not to harm us and He has promised hope and a future for us. (Jeremiah 29:11-13) He has promised that nothing can separate us from His love (Romans 8:31-39). He has told us that if we are not impatient for Him to act and travel steadily along His path, He will honor us and give us the land (Ps 37:34). He has told us that in times of trouble, He will respond to our cry. That He will keep us safe from all harm. That He will send us help from His sanctuary and strengthen us from Jerusalem. That He remembers our gifts and burnt offerings and they are pleasing to Him. That He will grant our heart's desire and fulfill all our plans and that WE will shout for joy when God gives us the victory! (Ps 20:1-5)
So, that's what I'm standing on today. Just as He raised Lazarus from the dead after 4 days, He can resurrect this job, if that's His will. If not, then He has something else for us. Either way, we know that our God is an awesome God and that He is worthy of all of our praise. Friends, what else do we have but Him?!
One of my favorite songs is "Impossible Possible" by Jared Anderson. I'll wrap this up with the lyrics. "Come all you weary ones
Come all you thirsty sons
Come to the water
The Water that never runs dry
Come all you crooked thieves
Cast your cares and believe
He is the water
The water that never runs drive
Jesus makes the impossible possible
Jesus makes the incapable more than able
If you call He will answer
If you seek you will find
He is the water
The water that never runs dry
Come all you tattered saints
Double minded and afraid
Come to the water
The water that never runs dry
Come all you broken down
Put your feet on His solid ground
Receive the water,the water that never runs dry
Jesus makes the impossible possible
Jesus makes the incapable more than able
If you call He will answer
If you seek you will find
He is the water
The water that never runs dry
Taste and see, come and drink of the water
He is all that we need (x2)
He is all that we need"
But, here's what I do know. I know my God loves me and loves my family. (John 3:16) He has promised to prosper us and not to harm us and He has promised hope and a future for us. (Jeremiah 29:11-13) He has promised that nothing can separate us from His love (Romans 8:31-39). He has told us that if we are not impatient for Him to act and travel steadily along His path, He will honor us and give us the land (Ps 37:34). He has told us that in times of trouble, He will respond to our cry. That He will keep us safe from all harm. That He will send us help from His sanctuary and strengthen us from Jerusalem. That He remembers our gifts and burnt offerings and they are pleasing to Him. That He will grant our heart's desire and fulfill all our plans and that WE will shout for joy when God gives us the victory! (Ps 20:1-5)
So, that's what I'm standing on today. Just as He raised Lazarus from the dead after 4 days, He can resurrect this job, if that's His will. If not, then He has something else for us. Either way, we know that our God is an awesome God and that He is worthy of all of our praise. Friends, what else do we have but Him?!
One of my favorite songs is "Impossible Possible" by Jared Anderson. I'll wrap this up with the lyrics. "Come all you weary ones
Come all you thirsty sons
Come to the water
The Water that never runs dry
Come all you crooked thieves
Cast your cares and believe
He is the water
The water that never runs drive
Jesus makes the impossible possible
Jesus makes the incapable more than able
If you call He will answer
If you seek you will find
He is the water
The water that never runs dry
Come all you tattered saints
Double minded and afraid
Come to the water
The water that never runs dry
Come all you broken down
Put your feet on His solid ground
Receive the water,the water that never runs dry
Jesus makes the impossible possible
Jesus makes the incapable more than able
If you call He will answer
If you seek you will find
He is the water
The water that never runs dry
Taste and see, come and drink of the water
He is all that we need (x2)
He is all that we need"
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Austin, conclusion or continuation?
I wanted to open this post with a quote from some very wise friends, who said over and over that "It's not about the destination, it's about the journey. It's never a straight path from A to B when you are dealing with God." Boy, has this been our experience in this journey! (To hear about the beginning of this, read the post before this one.) This has truly been a very different journey than anything we have ever experienced before. Nothing has happened the way we thought, how we thought or when we thought. But, this has driven us to our knees with a deep desire to better know this adventurous God, who loves us more than we can possibly imagine, who desires to give us things that this world can't steal, or destroy. We have spent much of the almost 4 years of this journey confused and continually amazed. If I were asked to summarize everything that God has been teaching us down to just a couple of points, they would be this. 1. Don't put God in a box. He is HUGE. He is endlessly creative. He is full of adventure and goodness. He is fully just and yet full of grace and mercy. And He is God and He can do whatever He wants to do, however He wants to do it. He is more interested in shaping our characters and making us more like Jesus than how comfortable we are in our circumstances. 2. He is worth surrendering ALL that you have to serve and follow Him. He doesn't waste one single tear in our lives. He never withholds ANYTHING from us....not even His own son was off limits. How can we give any less back to Him?! And finally 3. It is not about the destination, but about the journey! Keep your eyes on Him because it isn't a straight line from A to B!
We got to Austin the beginning of May and began to unwind and partially unpack and try to get to know the lay of the land. I have to say that as much as the first 3+ years of this journey have been tough and confusing, these past 3, almost 4 months have been even more so. We came here, loaded with specific verses and promises from God and fully thought that He would put Jim's job into place quickly, we'd make friends quickly and become a part of that "keep Austin weird" landscape that we'd heard about and grow organic food to our hearts content. Oh, that God, what a kidder! First, I NEVER anticipated the absolute GRIEF that we would go through after we moved here, missing our church and friends and, much to my surprise, grief from old wounds resurfaced as well. We found ourselves not only grieving the recent losses but old losses that we thought were healed....some from the first church we were at for many years in Colorado, some from the loss of my dog, Jake and then discovered there were hurts in our family and marriage that needed to be healed as well. We found ourselves experiencing this unique dynamic of amazement at what God had done to bring us here, amazement at actually being here on this adventure but then on the other hand, this deep grief.
The grief from the old church stuff, for me, made it extremely difficult to be open to any of the churches that we went to, even the one that was planted by our amazing church at home. I never realized, until we got here, at how blessed we were that God got us into New Life back at home so quickly after the mess at our old church. We had the benefit of knowing at how New Life tried to come alongside of us during that awful time and knew their character to be sound. We didn't wrestle for long with where to go and were they healthy and have integrity because God revealed all of that quickly and the healing we received there was truly miraculous. But now we were in a completely new place and all of those questions were coming up like crazy as we tried out several really good churches. I didn't want to go through that old church experience EVER again and really had a hard time until Jim pointed out that if we could trust God in all of the other areas of our lives, we could trust Him in this too. I hadn't realized that this was something I wasn't trusting Him in and to do more surrendering of my plans to His.
Another interesting piece in all of this is that because we weren't tied to a specific church, we weren't making any new friends here. We were rapidly entering the summer phase here in Austin which means people hibernate in the a/c or live at the pool. Jim was able to get into a men's small group that our mortgage guy and friend, Tim, was in and that was great for him as he got to know a few men but I was pretty isolated and didn't have the opportunity until recently to meet any new women friends.
Then there was the job hunt piece...the one piece we thought was going to fall into place quickly but didn't and we went through the myriad of emotions and questions..."Did we make a mistake and hear Austin when God said Boston?" We didn't make a mistake as God would later affirm but at one of our down moments of trying to figure out why all of the doors seemed solidly closed no matter what we did, we briefly thought outside of the box and applied for a job that came up in an unusual way that was out of the area (I will share that story later). The amazing thing about this job has been that it's totally where Jim's passions lie. God had made us a promise during this journey that He had "the best job in the whole world" for Jim. A job with "nice people" and a "good place to work." But, while researching Austin, we determined that we couldn't make a living doing what he loved in such an expensive area and moved on to jobs that he would enjoy but would take care of us financially. This out-of-the-box job would bring us back to what Jim's passions are and how God has gifted him. But this wouldn't strike us until about 1 month later as we both quickly forgot about that job and applied for every other job in the Austin area, all to no avail.
I'm going to skip some pieces of how God brought this job back on our radar and share those a little later but about 1 month ago, God began to put some different things into place. We had just gone from 17+ outstanding job applications down to 2 or 3, 1 of them being this job. As we were talking over what to do next, we began arguing over following up on this job. My point was yes, it's out of the area but it's still open so let's let God close it and Jim's being that it was just a distraction and he didn't want to waste any time on it. At some point, unbeknownst to me, later that day, Jim was praying about what God wanted us to do next and said that he felt this job was a distraction so if God wanted us to consider this, then have them call him. A few hours later, the phone rang. Jim came out of the office area totally laughing and said, guess who just called? Holy cow, talk about TOTAL confusion! They wanted to do a phone interview w/him a few days from that one. We seriously spent the rest of the day in complete shock because we were supposed to be in Austin, right? And God is never unpredictable, right? Over the next few days, we began to pray about this and ask God to show us what to do. The day before the interview, I listened to 2 different messages by 2 different pastors, both sharing similar topics having to do with how our God is a BIG God and the second you start to put Him into a box, He does something differently, etc. We also began to realize at how far away we had gotten from Jim's passions and how this job, as we began making a list of the things he wanted to do, checked every box and then some.
We still didn't know what to do with the Austin piece yet but Jim went into the interview the next day anyway. After telling Jim that his resume' leapt off the page at him, he was asked why did he apply for this job if he thought God had called us to Austin (Jim had shared the unusual nature of how this job came onto our radar w/them and what we thought was a possible calling to Austin). I'm not even sure what Jim answered him but needless to say that became the burning question for us to get answered before we went any further with this organization. We spent the next week+ praying and seeking God's wisdom through listening prayers as well as trusted friends and family who had been a part of this journey with us. Did we actually fulfill God's purposes for us in Austin or did He have further things for us to do here? Did He really want us to consider this job and could/would He actually move us a 2nd time? Did we hear him correctly the first time or did we make a mistake? The more we prayed and sought His wisdom, the more He revealed to us. Our purpose in moving here was for our family...to have hurts be revealed that couldn't have been revealed back in Colorado Springs while we were distracted by Jim's job, selling our house, school, etc. He wanted us here where we had no one and nothing but Him to look to and listen to, where He could bring these unknown hurts up and heal and strengthen our family and our marriage. There were no promises about Austin that He had given us, other than He wanted us here and would we obey Him. Yes, He did not only want us to consider this job but we all heard many times over the next few weeks that Jim would get this job and that this is the job God has for Him. No, we did not make a mistake in moving to Austin. And yes, God is a BIG picking God and He can call us to move again if He wants. He needed to get our attention and needless to say, now He has it.
So, here is the point where everything is now going to fall into place and Jim is going to be told he's going to the next round and soon we'll have a job offer, right? Wrong again....at least, not yet. We received a very confusing letter a week or so ago that they were moving forward with 2 other candidates but will be keeping Jim's resume' on standby as their third option should the other 2 not pan out. We went back to God over and over and over on this asking, are you sure that Jim is going to get this job because it sure doesn't look like it. Last week, all week, I felt like the wind had been punched out of me. God had been affirming up and down that this was the job but the letter said otherwise. Did we hear correctly or had we been taking too many vitamins? I seriously doubt that I'll ever be able to do justice to the amount of stress, turmoil, anxiety, etc that we have had throughout this process in trying to make sure that we were hearing God correctly. We have NEVER gone through anything like this before. If I weren't completely sure that God loves us more than we can ever possibly know or understand, this would feel cruel. But God is not a cruel God. He is loving and amazing, creative and HUGE. He's gotten us through the worst losses and betrayals, cancer and this journey. He's not about to let us down. I believe He's about to come through in such a huge and miraculous way that many will marvel at how He does it. One of the verses that He gave us about 1 1/2 years ago was Psalm 20:1-5:
"In times of trouble, may the Lord respond to your cry. May the God of Israel keep you safe from all harm. May He send you help from His sanctuary and strengthen you from Jerusalem. May He remember all your gifts and look favorably upon your burnt offerings. May He grant your heart's desire and fulfill all your plans. May we shout for joy when we hear of your victory, flying banners to honor our God. May the Lord answer all your prayers."
He has told us to boldly proclaim it so we are. We are standing in faith that our God will come through and He will give Jim a job (this job) that is filled with his areas of God given passions and giftedness because God made us a promise and He always keeps His promises. Will you stand with us?
We got to Austin the beginning of May and began to unwind and partially unpack and try to get to know the lay of the land. I have to say that as much as the first 3+ years of this journey have been tough and confusing, these past 3, almost 4 months have been even more so. We came here, loaded with specific verses and promises from God and fully thought that He would put Jim's job into place quickly, we'd make friends quickly and become a part of that "keep Austin weird" landscape that we'd heard about and grow organic food to our hearts content. Oh, that God, what a kidder! First, I NEVER anticipated the absolute GRIEF that we would go through after we moved here, missing our church and friends and, much to my surprise, grief from old wounds resurfaced as well. We found ourselves not only grieving the recent losses but old losses that we thought were healed....some from the first church we were at for many years in Colorado, some from the loss of my dog, Jake and then discovered there were hurts in our family and marriage that needed to be healed as well. We found ourselves experiencing this unique dynamic of amazement at what God had done to bring us here, amazement at actually being here on this adventure but then on the other hand, this deep grief.
The grief from the old church stuff, for me, made it extremely difficult to be open to any of the churches that we went to, even the one that was planted by our amazing church at home. I never realized, until we got here, at how blessed we were that God got us into New Life back at home so quickly after the mess at our old church. We had the benefit of knowing at how New Life tried to come alongside of us during that awful time and knew their character to be sound. We didn't wrestle for long with where to go and were they healthy and have integrity because God revealed all of that quickly and the healing we received there was truly miraculous. But now we were in a completely new place and all of those questions were coming up like crazy as we tried out several really good churches. I didn't want to go through that old church experience EVER again and really had a hard time until Jim pointed out that if we could trust God in all of the other areas of our lives, we could trust Him in this too. I hadn't realized that this was something I wasn't trusting Him in and to do more surrendering of my plans to His.
Another interesting piece in all of this is that because we weren't tied to a specific church, we weren't making any new friends here. We were rapidly entering the summer phase here in Austin which means people hibernate in the a/c or live at the pool. Jim was able to get into a men's small group that our mortgage guy and friend, Tim, was in and that was great for him as he got to know a few men but I was pretty isolated and didn't have the opportunity until recently to meet any new women friends.
Then there was the job hunt piece...the one piece we thought was going to fall into place quickly but didn't and we went through the myriad of emotions and questions..."Did we make a mistake and hear Austin when God said Boston?" We didn't make a mistake as God would later affirm but at one of our down moments of trying to figure out why all of the doors seemed solidly closed no matter what we did, we briefly thought outside of the box and applied for a job that came up in an unusual way that was out of the area (I will share that story later). The amazing thing about this job has been that it's totally where Jim's passions lie. God had made us a promise during this journey that He had "the best job in the whole world" for Jim. A job with "nice people" and a "good place to work." But, while researching Austin, we determined that we couldn't make a living doing what he loved in such an expensive area and moved on to jobs that he would enjoy but would take care of us financially. This out-of-the-box job would bring us back to what Jim's passions are and how God has gifted him. But this wouldn't strike us until about 1 month later as we both quickly forgot about that job and applied for every other job in the Austin area, all to no avail.
I'm going to skip some pieces of how God brought this job back on our radar and share those a little later but about 1 month ago, God began to put some different things into place. We had just gone from 17+ outstanding job applications down to 2 or 3, 1 of them being this job. As we were talking over what to do next, we began arguing over following up on this job. My point was yes, it's out of the area but it's still open so let's let God close it and Jim's being that it was just a distraction and he didn't want to waste any time on it. At some point, unbeknownst to me, later that day, Jim was praying about what God wanted us to do next and said that he felt this job was a distraction so if God wanted us to consider this, then have them call him. A few hours later, the phone rang. Jim came out of the office area totally laughing and said, guess who just called? Holy cow, talk about TOTAL confusion! They wanted to do a phone interview w/him a few days from that one. We seriously spent the rest of the day in complete shock because we were supposed to be in Austin, right? And God is never unpredictable, right? Over the next few days, we began to pray about this and ask God to show us what to do. The day before the interview, I listened to 2 different messages by 2 different pastors, both sharing similar topics having to do with how our God is a BIG God and the second you start to put Him into a box, He does something differently, etc. We also began to realize at how far away we had gotten from Jim's passions and how this job, as we began making a list of the things he wanted to do, checked every box and then some.
We still didn't know what to do with the Austin piece yet but Jim went into the interview the next day anyway. After telling Jim that his resume' leapt off the page at him, he was asked why did he apply for this job if he thought God had called us to Austin (Jim had shared the unusual nature of how this job came onto our radar w/them and what we thought was a possible calling to Austin). I'm not even sure what Jim answered him but needless to say that became the burning question for us to get answered before we went any further with this organization. We spent the next week+ praying and seeking God's wisdom through listening prayers as well as trusted friends and family who had been a part of this journey with us. Did we actually fulfill God's purposes for us in Austin or did He have further things for us to do here? Did He really want us to consider this job and could/would He actually move us a 2nd time? Did we hear him correctly the first time or did we make a mistake? The more we prayed and sought His wisdom, the more He revealed to us. Our purpose in moving here was for our family...to have hurts be revealed that couldn't have been revealed back in Colorado Springs while we were distracted by Jim's job, selling our house, school, etc. He wanted us here where we had no one and nothing but Him to look to and listen to, where He could bring these unknown hurts up and heal and strengthen our family and our marriage. There were no promises about Austin that He had given us, other than He wanted us here and would we obey Him. Yes, He did not only want us to consider this job but we all heard many times over the next few weeks that Jim would get this job and that this is the job God has for Him. No, we did not make a mistake in moving to Austin. And yes, God is a BIG picking God and He can call us to move again if He wants. He needed to get our attention and needless to say, now He has it.
So, here is the point where everything is now going to fall into place and Jim is going to be told he's going to the next round and soon we'll have a job offer, right? Wrong again....at least, not yet. We received a very confusing letter a week or so ago that they were moving forward with 2 other candidates but will be keeping Jim's resume' on standby as their third option should the other 2 not pan out. We went back to God over and over and over on this asking, are you sure that Jim is going to get this job because it sure doesn't look like it. Last week, all week, I felt like the wind had been punched out of me. God had been affirming up and down that this was the job but the letter said otherwise. Did we hear correctly or had we been taking too many vitamins? I seriously doubt that I'll ever be able to do justice to the amount of stress, turmoil, anxiety, etc that we have had throughout this process in trying to make sure that we were hearing God correctly. We have NEVER gone through anything like this before. If I weren't completely sure that God loves us more than we can ever possibly know or understand, this would feel cruel. But God is not a cruel God. He is loving and amazing, creative and HUGE. He's gotten us through the worst losses and betrayals, cancer and this journey. He's not about to let us down. I believe He's about to come through in such a huge and miraculous way that many will marvel at how He does it. One of the verses that He gave us about 1 1/2 years ago was Psalm 20:1-5:
"In times of trouble, may the Lord respond to your cry. May the God of Israel keep you safe from all harm. May He send you help from His sanctuary and strengthen you from Jerusalem. May He remember all your gifts and look favorably upon your burnt offerings. May He grant your heart's desire and fulfill all your plans. May we shout for joy when we hear of your victory, flying banners to honor our God. May the Lord answer all your prayers."
He has told us to boldly proclaim it so we are. We are standing in faith that our God will come through and He will give Jim a job (this job) that is filled with his areas of God given passions and giftedness because God made us a promise and He always keeps His promises. Will you stand with us?
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Austin - part 1
I'm sitting in my kitchen, in Austin, reflecting on the amazing journey of the past few months (and years, really). First, I still can't believe I'm here and I can't believe all of the amazing things that God did to get us here. In addition to that, though, I'm tripping out at how things may have taken a possible turn and God may be about to do even MORE than we could have ever imagined! Very few people other than my family and a handful of friends even know about how God put us on this journey to Austin and even fewer know the current journey that we're on. With that in mind, I wanted to share some of what God has been doing in our family. The idea of Austin was put on our radar almost 4 years ago when the church that we had just started attending in Colorado Springs, sent off one of their pastors to plant a church in Austin. We had also recently made a move from one side of the city to the other so that in addition to our being new and therefore completely not attached to any of the pastors made this idea of Austin so shocking. But that Sunday, our pastor had called everyone to the stage who was going to be going w/this family to plant this church so that we could all pray over them as a congregation. He additionally invited up anyone who was even thinking about going or feeling tugged and that we would pray for those people too. I turned to Jim and said "I feel tugged" to which he replied, "No you didn't. We just moved. You do not feel tugged." ;-) And that, my friends, began this journey of seeking God on what He had for us in Austin. Not that long afterwards, we got the call that our precious little Jasmine was ready to be brought home from China and that ushered in the time of what our other blog was originally about...our journey to bringing her home. www.4-everfamily-young.blogspot.com We had MANY months (1+ years) of getting adjusted as a family and many mistakes made. Still, here and there God continued to bring back this idea of Austin. We continued to pray and seek. We went thru an additional crisis of my precious lab, Jake, getting the perfect storm of awful autoimmune diseases that ended taking his life and crushing my heart. About 3 years ago, we decided to come out to Austin as neither of us had ever been and see if we could put this idea to rest one way or another. We made a cheap family vaca. out of it and came back, while still wrestling, deciding that if God was in this, that we would continue to follow down this path and see where God led. That led to my husband doing some soul searching to discover where his real passions and heart laid in relation to a career.
A little over 1 year ago, we felt strongly that God wanted us to list our house for sale, which we did. During the months and months following, we continued to pray and wait and at times, question God. Did we really hear from Him or what was the deal? He continued to affirm Austin over and over. During that time frame we met some new friends at our church who had a profound impact on our lives. It was one of those God-ordained meetings and this instant connection of hearts that you just can't explain. They are one of the most beautiful couples I have ever had the privilege to meet and consider myself blessed to have them as friends. God used them countless times to pray over us, prophesy to us and give us His wisdom that it's not about the destination but about the journey and to keep our eyes on God because it's not always a straight path from A-B with God! Boy isn't that the truth! During this time frame we also began to learn how to do listening prayers with God. I have always tried to follow where I thought God was leading me but do you know that if you are His child, you can really learn how to hear His voice speaking to your heart? So we began to do listening prayers, asking God when were we going to Austin, etc. We finally asked Him late 2012 if we should go visit and He told us yes and gave us a date of the end of January. We headed out to Austin, just the 2 of us, to see what God would put together. We did have an amazing trip, connecting w/our realtor and mortgage guy, both of whom God had put across our path after our 1st trip. We felt that something significant had happened and yet, when we got home we continued to wait. In the meantime, we took our home off of the market for 1 month to reset the MLS and then put it back up in March. 4 days later, we got almost a full price offer on our home with a 2 month escrow. We marveled at how perfect these buyers were for our situation. But, in all of this, Jim had yet to get a job offer and that was what we were waiting for in order to move. We had spoken w/my parents numerous times and we were all under the impression that we shouldn't move w/o a job. So, we started getting closer to our close date but no job. Here comes the crazy part. Jim had started to see some action on the job side and we were talking w/our realtor who told us that her rental house was coming up for rent right about the time we needed to be out of our house. There were a few other things that seemed to happen at that same time. I shared this w/my family but no job materialized for Jim so we waited about a week. Then my parents called and said that they wanted to talk w/us about Austin. I was fully prepared that they were going to try and talk us out of it but to my amazement my dad said that he felt we were missing it. We were so afraid to move ahead of God that we were in danger of falling behind. He felt that God was moving and wanted us to take a step of faith and move w/o a job. I reminded him of a conversation we had where he was sharing that he felt we shouldn't move w/o a job. His words to me..."I was wrong." He pointed out all of the things that had happened and really urged us to move (literally) on this. While we were talking, I emailed our realtor asking her if her house were still available. It was! We got off the phone, still reeling from this conversation, where Jim went and emailed an old trusted friend from CA to run this by him and I continued my conversation w/our realtor, Linda. The miracle here is that her rental is in a greatly desired area of Austin and usually is rented the same day it goes up for rent but she had had 3 people in a row w/bad credit and hadn't yet rented it. Hmmm. Then our friend from CA actually got back to Jim w/in minutes urging us to take the step of faith. He said that so many people want to see a miracle but aren't willing to put themselves in a position to receive one. The next day, our "core" of friends all confirmed they saw God's hand in this and so began the 3 week dash to get everything fully packed and ready to go. And we saw thing after thing get put into place for this move. Every obstacle was moved by God and we were off on this journey to Austin. Or, so we thought.....
2 years ago we had the year of what we like to call "3 surgeries." Jasmine had a cyst removed on her hand and then I had my 2nd ACL repaired. We thought we were over the drama when a few months later, I found a lump in my breast and was diagnosed w/breast cancer. Some friends have followed my story on this blog. God has chosen to heal my body thru surgery and a COMPLETE nutritional/lifestyle change. That was a much longer journey to healing than I have time for in this blog but you can look back in previous posts in this blog to read about that. Praise God for His faithfulness!! About a month or so after my surgery, God put Austin back on our radar again thru a pastor at New Life. We continued to pray and seek God in this and waited....and waited.....and waited. During this time, God gave us a few verses and promises that we have been standing on. One was Ps 37:34 "Do not be impatient for the Lord to act. Travel steadily along His path and He will honor you, giving you the land." Another was Ps 20:1-5 "In times of trouble, may the Lord respond to your cry. May the God of Israel keep you safe from all harm. May He send you help from His sanctuary and strengthen you from Jerusalem. May He remember all your gifts and look favorably on your burnt offerings. May He grant your heart’s desires and fulfill all your plans. May we shout for joy when we hear of your victory flying banners to honor our God. May the Lord answer all your prayers."
A little over 1 year ago, we felt strongly that God wanted us to list our house for sale, which we did. During the months and months following, we continued to pray and wait and at times, question God. Did we really hear from Him or what was the deal? He continued to affirm Austin over and over. During that time frame we met some new friends at our church who had a profound impact on our lives. It was one of those God-ordained meetings and this instant connection of hearts that you just can't explain. They are one of the most beautiful couples I have ever had the privilege to meet and consider myself blessed to have them as friends. God used them countless times to pray over us, prophesy to us and give us His wisdom that it's not about the destination but about the journey and to keep our eyes on God because it's not always a straight path from A-B with God! Boy isn't that the truth! During this time frame we also began to learn how to do listening prayers with God. I have always tried to follow where I thought God was leading me but do you know that if you are His child, you can really learn how to hear His voice speaking to your heart? So we began to do listening prayers, asking God when were we going to Austin, etc. We finally asked Him late 2012 if we should go visit and He told us yes and gave us a date of the end of January. We headed out to Austin, just the 2 of us, to see what God would put together. We did have an amazing trip, connecting w/our realtor and mortgage guy, both of whom God had put across our path after our 1st trip. We felt that something significant had happened and yet, when we got home we continued to wait. In the meantime, we took our home off of the market for 1 month to reset the MLS and then put it back up in March. 4 days later, we got almost a full price offer on our home with a 2 month escrow. We marveled at how perfect these buyers were for our situation. But, in all of this, Jim had yet to get a job offer and that was what we were waiting for in order to move. We had spoken w/my parents numerous times and we were all under the impression that we shouldn't move w/o a job. So, we started getting closer to our close date but no job. Here comes the crazy part. Jim had started to see some action on the job side and we were talking w/our realtor who told us that her rental house was coming up for rent right about the time we needed to be out of our house. There were a few other things that seemed to happen at that same time. I shared this w/my family but no job materialized for Jim so we waited about a week. Then my parents called and said that they wanted to talk w/us about Austin. I was fully prepared that they were going to try and talk us out of it but to my amazement my dad said that he felt we were missing it. We were so afraid to move ahead of God that we were in danger of falling behind. He felt that God was moving and wanted us to take a step of faith and move w/o a job. I reminded him of a conversation we had where he was sharing that he felt we shouldn't move w/o a job. His words to me..."I was wrong." He pointed out all of the things that had happened and really urged us to move (literally) on this. While we were talking, I emailed our realtor asking her if her house were still available. It was! We got off the phone, still reeling from this conversation, where Jim went and emailed an old trusted friend from CA to run this by him and I continued my conversation w/our realtor, Linda. The miracle here is that her rental is in a greatly desired area of Austin and usually is rented the same day it goes up for rent but she had had 3 people in a row w/bad credit and hadn't yet rented it. Hmmm. Then our friend from CA actually got back to Jim w/in minutes urging us to take the step of faith. He said that so many people want to see a miracle but aren't willing to put themselves in a position to receive one. The next day, our "core" of friends all confirmed they saw God's hand in this and so began the 3 week dash to get everything fully packed and ready to go. And we saw thing after thing get put into place for this move. Every obstacle was moved by God and we were off on this journey to Austin. Or, so we thought.....
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Austin visit
As I'm typing this, I'm sitting in our motel room in Austin, eagerly waiting to see what miracles God will do today. Jim and I are here for a brief trip in order to look for a job for Jim and to do some house hunting. We have been learning, as a family, how to listen to God more in our prayers, to hear His voice and have felt lead to come for this week. We believe, whether this week or some other time frame, that God is preparing us for a move here. We don't yet know when, how, why or what, but just where. Austin. Do you remember the old dungeons and dragons game that Intellivision did YEARS ago? The one where the little stick figure walks through these dark halls and as it walks only the step in front of it is illuminated? That's exactly how we feel....totally in the dark, except that we KNOW God is leading us.
It has been so long since I have written that I'm pretty much at a loss for words. How do you update the last year of your life in a hand full of paragraphs? To even begin to share this story of Austin and how it began feels overwhelming to me as there have been so many little stories and prayers over the last 3+ years leading up to today. I hope to begin to unpack some of what we have experienced as I share this week. One thing that I can say right now, in faith, is that we will look back someday and God will show us how He wove this experience and that hardship together and how He took all of these seemingly unrelated events and created His Masterpiece. Everything that we have been through and everything He is teaching us right now is preparing us for what He has for us next. God is in the tiniest of details.
Our plans today involve checking out One Chapel, which is a church our church planted 3 1/2 years ago and spending the afternoon with our realtor, Linda. The adventure that God has for us today is yet to be revealed but we CAN'T WAIT to see what He has for us today! We have been praying and fasting, along with our church over the last 21 days, for God to break into our world and other people's worlds and do miracles, heal, change hearts, etc. We are here, in Austin, expectantly waiting to see what God does.
It has been so long since I have written that I'm pretty much at a loss for words. How do you update the last year of your life in a hand full of paragraphs? To even begin to share this story of Austin and how it began feels overwhelming to me as there have been so many little stories and prayers over the last 3+ years leading up to today. I hope to begin to unpack some of what we have experienced as I share this week. One thing that I can say right now, in faith, is that we will look back someday and God will show us how He wove this experience and that hardship together and how He took all of these seemingly unrelated events and created His Masterpiece. Everything that we have been through and everything He is teaching us right now is preparing us for what He has for us next. God is in the tiniest of details.
Our plans today involve checking out One Chapel, which is a church our church planted 3 1/2 years ago and spending the afternoon with our realtor, Linda. The adventure that God has for us today is yet to be revealed but we CAN'T WAIT to see what He has for us today! We have been praying and fasting, along with our church over the last 21 days, for God to break into our world and other people's worlds and do miracles, heal, change hearts, etc. We are here, in Austin, expectantly waiting to see what God does.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Latest and greatest
Wow, I can't believe it's been 1 1/2 months since I last posted! It has been a rough time but God, as always, is SO faithful and He's gotten me through. I have written multiple blogs in my head during this time, longing to put into writing what it's like to try and get your body healthy from disease and yet not having the words for how difficult it's been. I think people have this misconception about me that because I've chosen not to do traditional treatments, that everything must be fine and easy. I have to say that even I had no idea at how hard this would be going into all of this. This has proven to be one of the hardest challenges that I have ever had. My day is spent either making food, praying about food, researching food, eating food, making food for my family or preparing my supplements. It has been ALL about making this new lifestyle work for me and my family. But, this is my treatment - turning around the disease in my body via nutrition and supplements and lifestyle.
I have also had to make additional changes to my diet, as per my doctor. He put me on an elimination diet almost 2 months ago, to try and see if certain foods were causing inflammation in my body due to an allergic reaction. (Inflammation, btw, is a big feeder of cancer so it's important to eliminate as many causes of inflammation as possible.) So, in addition to all of the changes that I had already made (sugar, wheat, dairy & red meat), I had to eliminate soy, corn, tomatoes, potatoes, peppers, eggs & citrus! (Can you feel the pain that this caused?!) ;-) These past few weeks have been all about me adjusting to this change and trying to adjust as many of our recipes as possible. Tomatoes, in particular, have been a staple of our diets because of their cancer-fighting capabilities. I LOVE salsa and I make an incredible (homemade) tomato sauce as well as use them as a base in my soups. Giving up tomatoes was actually harder than giving up sugar. I also use a lot of citrus in my cooking and for salad dressings so that was also brutal. All in all, it didn't leave me with a lot of food choices (at least not in a cold weather climate where fresh foods really are seasonal in their availability). Thankfully, with a lot of prayer and research, I've started to come up with some different ideas and new recipes. I have learned, as of today, that I am allergic to tomatoes and corn, so many of my ideas will have to become permanent as I can't afford to have allergic reactions cause the cancer to come back.
These past weeks have also been a time of deep wrestling over living in God's presence, one day at a time, and laying down my fears of death at His feet. It's really easy to just get into all of the minutiae of life and forget that we are ALL mortal. But when you deal with a life-threatening illness, all of that comes home pretty quickly. Initially, I felt an incredible amount of peace that if God intended to heal me via bringing me home to heaven, that would be fine with me. It's still fine with me. As my pastor says, Heaven is not a consolation prize. How amazing to be with Jesus! But over the past few months as we've been praying about moving to Austin and continuing to feel God's confirmation, I've struggled with the dreams I have for us in Austin and whether or not God has completely healed my body. I truly felt haunted by my surgeon trying to manipulate me into treatments that were not good for my body, saying "You're going to die." Granted, none of that was done out of his concern for me. All of it was said to intimidate me into doing what he wanted so he could profit from it. (Traditional cancer treatments are BIG money.) Quite frankly, it was evil, what he said. Only God knows when our time to go is. If God intends me to be healed then I will be. Period. And if it's my time, then nothing I do will change that. But being personally at peace with that, is a different story, that each of us must wrestle to the ground at some point. These past 2 weeks have been much more peaceful for me as God has brought some wise people into my life to help me put some of these fears into perspective. Ultimately the enemy is all about destroying ANYTHING good that God desires to give us and he (little "h") has been all over that with me in the past few months, using the surgeon's awful words like a constant echo in my thoughts. he has sought to steal my joy and tried to get me focused on death rather than living the life that God has given me. Thankfully these wise people have pointed this out and reminded me that I am in a spiritual battle with an enemy who does NOT fight fair. he doesn't care that I'm fighting disease and cancer, he only seeks to take advantage and knock me out of the fight. Thank God for this Easter weekend to remind us that satan himself has been FOREVER defeated and his time is coming! Oh, and by the way, satan, I'm on the winning team....FOREVER!
This really seemed like such a crazy thing to do but our family really felt led to be a part of the Thorn this year, in the midst of all of this struggle and discouragement. The Thorn is a massive production that our church does every year around the Easter time frame. It's a massive musical, theatrical, dance, pyrotechnic story about the life, death and resurrection of Jesus. This is the first year that they decided to hold it at a local concert venue called the World Arena. There are literally hundreds of people involved in this and not only do people come from all over to see it but they've also started traveling with the show to other states and cities to do this. We decided, and the girls agreed, to do this as a family and be a part of the general cast. Lily asked if she could try out for a part and ended up getting a little part as a "circle girl" or one of 4 little girls that do a ring-around-the-rosie with Jesus during a Palm Sunday scene. I knew that this would be powerful for our family and I'm so thankful that we all decided to do it together (yup, even Jim). We had about 6 weeks of rehearsals and then a total of 4 performances in Colorado Springs that we were a part of. The coolest thing about doing this for me (besides being able to do this with my husband and children) was watching the scenes with the "supernaturals" as they were called. The supernaturals were dancers & martial artists who were either good angels or demons, warrior angels or warrior demons and the angel of God and satan. The Thorn has a number of scenes depicting the spiritual warfare that may have (and probably did) go on behind the scenes - satan tempting Adam and Eve, satan trying to kill baby Jesus, satan and his demons tempting Judas, satan and his demons trying to attack Jesus while He's praying at the Garden of Gethsemane, etc. I never thought about what kind of taunting that Jesus must have endured from satan himself leading up to and while on the cross.....in addition to the physical torture and then God turning His back on His own son. I can't comprehend why He would do that for us and yet I know that it's because of His great love for us. All of it because He wanted a relationship with us and He didn't want us to be forever separated from Him. What does this have to do with my struggles of the last few months, you might ask? EVERYTHING! Because of Him, Jesus, my life can NEVER be taken away. I will either live here on earth or be with Him forever in heaven and my eternity can NEVER be taken away. Not by satan. Not by cancer. "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him." James 1:2-4,12
Praise be to God who loved us first and showed us what love looks like....Jesus, on a cross, beaten and bloodied so that we didn't have to be. May each of you experience His Love this Easter weekend!
I have also had to make additional changes to my diet, as per my doctor. He put me on an elimination diet almost 2 months ago, to try and see if certain foods were causing inflammation in my body due to an allergic reaction. (Inflammation, btw, is a big feeder of cancer so it's important to eliminate as many causes of inflammation as possible.) So, in addition to all of the changes that I had already made (sugar, wheat, dairy & red meat), I had to eliminate soy, corn, tomatoes, potatoes, peppers, eggs & citrus! (Can you feel the pain that this caused?!) ;-) These past few weeks have been all about me adjusting to this change and trying to adjust as many of our recipes as possible. Tomatoes, in particular, have been a staple of our diets because of their cancer-fighting capabilities. I LOVE salsa and I make an incredible (homemade) tomato sauce as well as use them as a base in my soups. Giving up tomatoes was actually harder than giving up sugar. I also use a lot of citrus in my cooking and for salad dressings so that was also brutal. All in all, it didn't leave me with a lot of food choices (at least not in a cold weather climate where fresh foods really are seasonal in their availability). Thankfully, with a lot of prayer and research, I've started to come up with some different ideas and new recipes. I have learned, as of today, that I am allergic to tomatoes and corn, so many of my ideas will have to become permanent as I can't afford to have allergic reactions cause the cancer to come back.
These past weeks have also been a time of deep wrestling over living in God's presence, one day at a time, and laying down my fears of death at His feet. It's really easy to just get into all of the minutiae of life and forget that we are ALL mortal. But when you deal with a life-threatening illness, all of that comes home pretty quickly. Initially, I felt an incredible amount of peace that if God intended to heal me via bringing me home to heaven, that would be fine with me. It's still fine with me. As my pastor says, Heaven is not a consolation prize. How amazing to be with Jesus! But over the past few months as we've been praying about moving to Austin and continuing to feel God's confirmation, I've struggled with the dreams I have for us in Austin and whether or not God has completely healed my body. I truly felt haunted by my surgeon trying to manipulate me into treatments that were not good for my body, saying "You're going to die." Granted, none of that was done out of his concern for me. All of it was said to intimidate me into doing what he wanted so he could profit from it. (Traditional cancer treatments are BIG money.) Quite frankly, it was evil, what he said. Only God knows when our time to go is. If God intends me to be healed then I will be. Period. And if it's my time, then nothing I do will change that. But being personally at peace with that, is a different story, that each of us must wrestle to the ground at some point. These past 2 weeks have been much more peaceful for me as God has brought some wise people into my life to help me put some of these fears into perspective. Ultimately the enemy is all about destroying ANYTHING good that God desires to give us and he (little "h") has been all over that with me in the past few months, using the surgeon's awful words like a constant echo in my thoughts. he has sought to steal my joy and tried to get me focused on death rather than living the life that God has given me. Thankfully these wise people have pointed this out and reminded me that I am in a spiritual battle with an enemy who does NOT fight fair. he doesn't care that I'm fighting disease and cancer, he only seeks to take advantage and knock me out of the fight. Thank God for this Easter weekend to remind us that satan himself has been FOREVER defeated and his time is coming! Oh, and by the way, satan, I'm on the winning team....FOREVER!
This really seemed like such a crazy thing to do but our family really felt led to be a part of the Thorn this year, in the midst of all of this struggle and discouragement. The Thorn is a massive production that our church does every year around the Easter time frame. It's a massive musical, theatrical, dance, pyrotechnic story about the life, death and resurrection of Jesus. This is the first year that they decided to hold it at a local concert venue called the World Arena. There are literally hundreds of people involved in this and not only do people come from all over to see it but they've also started traveling with the show to other states and cities to do this. We decided, and the girls agreed, to do this as a family and be a part of the general cast. Lily asked if she could try out for a part and ended up getting a little part as a "circle girl" or one of 4 little girls that do a ring-around-the-rosie with Jesus during a Palm Sunday scene. I knew that this would be powerful for our family and I'm so thankful that we all decided to do it together (yup, even Jim). We had about 6 weeks of rehearsals and then a total of 4 performances in Colorado Springs that we were a part of. The coolest thing about doing this for me (besides being able to do this with my husband and children) was watching the scenes with the "supernaturals" as they were called. The supernaturals were dancers & martial artists who were either good angels or demons, warrior angels or warrior demons and the angel of God and satan. The Thorn has a number of scenes depicting the spiritual warfare that may have (and probably did) go on behind the scenes - satan tempting Adam and Eve, satan trying to kill baby Jesus, satan and his demons tempting Judas, satan and his demons trying to attack Jesus while He's praying at the Garden of Gethsemane, etc. I never thought about what kind of taunting that Jesus must have endured from satan himself leading up to and while on the cross.....in addition to the physical torture and then God turning His back on His own son. I can't comprehend why He would do that for us and yet I know that it's because of His great love for us. All of it because He wanted a relationship with us and He didn't want us to be forever separated from Him. What does this have to do with my struggles of the last few months, you might ask? EVERYTHING! Because of Him, Jesus, my life can NEVER be taken away. I will either live here on earth or be with Him forever in heaven and my eternity can NEVER be taken away. Not by satan. Not by cancer. "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him." James 1:2-4,12
Praise be to God who loved us first and showed us what love looks like....Jesus, on a cross, beaten and bloodied so that we didn't have to be. May each of you experience His Love this Easter weekend!
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